Grief

balletshoes

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

Yes its next Monday afternoon

good stuff, remember and take notes with you about how you have been feeling and for how long, it will keep you focussed.

Crisp_£_note

I havent missed 1 day this week calling Mum (I just cant face the lecture and reprimand if I do).
Yet at about 5pm today my mum rang me :eek: she told me that she went to my Dads grave and laid some flowers for me and my brother on Friday as its Fathers day tomorrow. I thankd her and said I was greatful and then she said she had called to ask me to phone my brother (who is 6 years older than me) as he has been crying today as he misses our Dad.

I told mum I have already been in contact with him via FaceBook and text up to around 4 - 430pm.

Its not an issue of supporting my brother but what upsets me is yet again neither of them seems to have thought how I am feeling and rung me to give me support. I just feel again this is unfair and I am left out to care for them.

meritaten

Crisp - I dont know if you read the thread a few weeks back about Narcisists? But, forgive me, your mum sounds like a classic case. I dont think I spelled it right but if you look up Narcisism then I think you will understand a bit more about your mum and what you are really dealing with.
You have to look after yourself - YOU need help coping with YOUR grief! Dont think you have to spill every detail if you phone Cruse or Samaritans - they will listen while you get things 'off your chest' and I think you need to vent tbh!
or post on here - or do both!
I have a fair idea of what is happening with you - and you have a right to feel aggrieved and angry.
I am Welsh Valleys and know how close knit communities and families work - and how one person can skew perception so that SHE is the hard done by one (while the offspring are jumping through hoops trying to help - somehow they come across as lonely and the kids dont care! sound familiar?) and bravely trying to carry on!

Crisp_£_note

I can understand the Narcisists thing but to be honest I can be a little that way as well (cant we all?!).


Went to see the Dr chased up referal to berevement coouncellor she looked on screen backdated to last year (thankfully it was easy to recall roughly when I saw originaly as it was just after dads day then) she told me there was NO referal made Note just reads refered to Diabetes nurse re advice on weight and low moods :mad: I am certain back then I asked for a referal to a berevement councellor. I can remember clearly I broke down in tears which was odd for me especialy with a 'stranger' (like a gp) so obviously I was stressed over it all back then. I remember dr clearly saying to me it may take a while before I hear from them as theres a bit of a wait but they would contact me. Obviously over the past year its been put to one side in my mind as I struggle on with a brave face and cope with whatevers thrown at me.

Even if I can go talk to someone to tell me how I can help my Mum (subtly) I would be greatful..

As I saw the nurse yesterday (anual diabetes review) I have now had to make an appointment to see the DR who I thought had refered me and she is away this week but I have already booked an appointment next Wednesday morning the day she returns to work! Hopefully she will then sort out the mix up and also sort out the other referals (re my weight and other stuff) that seem to be dragging on over the past month since I saw her last.

I have to return to see th diabetes nurse in a month but generaly the review went ok and she said there were some improvements which cheered me up a little. My Dad had type 2 diabetes the same as I do (amongst other health problems some similar to mine) and he was the person I could turn to to ask if there was something I didnt understand we were like diabetes buddies almost but now he isnt around to ask I dont understand it myself anymore. I realise maybe I relied on him a bit too much and now I have to learn for myself all over again and have no support as I should know all this by now (or so it feels) as I have had it for some time now.

Mum wanted to go in depth with it all and although showed she cared kept wanting to know the 'figures of results' which I didnt ask nurse for, I know if I had the numbers to compare between tests I could judge better how I am doing but to be honest I expect the medical experts to tell me how I am managing my health and so long as their not concerned I am going to die or go down hill tomorrow then thats ok for me.
I can understand why my mum wants to go in depth, its how she coped and managed to look after my dad, but as I keep reminding her I am not him and she isnt my carer so deal with it my own way. She does try to control me in some ways but even though I am the child I also have to learn to be the adult and stand up to her (firm but politely). This is another thing I feel odd doing as I dont know if its a 'being welsh kind of thing' or if its the way I was brought up and learnt as a child which to me have been so ingrained respect wise I just cant shift them now.

Just have to wait until next week I suppose.


Thanks

Crisp_£_note

Spoke to mum yesterday (took day off Wednesday and when I called Thursday it wasnt so bad but she did say it was nice to hear my voice, perhaps my aunty has put her straight or gently made her realise how it sounds and she is more apreciative who knows?) and she was ok. Her other sister has just returned back to home after being away for some time. So I hope things will ease off a little.

2 observations this week so far though. 1 Mum rang me again the other afternoon she was sounding down and had a bit of a mon going on, she was alone at her sisters house where she has been staying while her other sister was away. The sister she was staying with was 'out and about at Welsh class etc' . However half way through the call her sister had returned and Mums voice soon changed and she was happy go lucky again. Its now obvious she puts on an act either for them or me. Thats confirmed my suspicions I have actualy had for some time.
And 2 both her two sisters are both widows the one she is currently staying with lost hers a month after my Dad died and then my mums 3rd sister passed away (a string of family members to add to the ones whove gone over the past 5 years). Yet she has managed to move on and get on with life, as has her other sister (who lost her husband 20 so years ago) and even my mother inn law who lost her husband 3 years ago. So I just dont understand why Mam cant move on ? I do feel for her and respect everyone is different its obvious she is struggling though.

Another conversation with Mum and she told me that my cousin called her from a festival to tell her that she had bumped into my brother. Now Mum says exactly the same thing I was thinking, if my cousin can manage to call her on a mobile then why cant my brother do so? My brother is very environmentaly friendly a greeny and he says theres no plug sockets to charge his phone in the middle of a field in the middle of a festival so he cant call her at all until he gets home. So my point I make here are why doesnt he get himself an eco friendly solar powered phone charger thingy? Is he just purposely getting away from her with the excuse he cant call? He knows Mum wont challenge him as he shouts back nastily as mum puts it and stands up for himself. Hence why I get all the flack.

He is away for another week so another week I have to stress.

Thank you for your continued support and sorry to keep on about it but it helps get it off my shoulders.

wannabe_sybil

Hugs

Wish I could do more

2nd_Time_Lucky

sorry that someone else is going through the same trouble i am :wall: all i can offer is to take one day at a time and i have found it easier to be bright and breezy round my melodramatic, controlling MiL whilst totally ignoring the huffing and puffing

Dave101t

you both sound very emotional and sensitive, no criticism here but you need to talk more about it with your mum, try to get joing counciling maybe?
ive known depression and pain but out the other side its a weight off and a protection against the future. talk more, get help, know your not the 1st or last to feel like that.

somethingsgottogive

I've just read through your thread and it looks like you've had a lot of advice and support on here - I just wanted to add though, that if you don't feel comfortable phoning a counselling helpline, Samaritans give you the option of having a conversation via EMAIL too, and all of the details are on their website.

I hope you managed to find some way to get through the situation with your mother, and have some 'head space' for your own grief xx

cloverfan

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

I havent missed 1 day this week calling Mum (I just cant face the lecture and reprimand if I do).
Yet at about 5pm today my mum rang me :eek: she told me that she went to my Dads grave and laid some flowers for me and my brother on Friday as its Fathers day tomorrow. I thankd her and said I was greatful and then she said she had called to ask me to phone my brother (who is 6 years older than me) as he has been crying today as he misses our Dad.

I told mum I have already been in contact with him via FaceBook and text up to around 4 - 430pm.

Its not an issue of supporting my brother but what upsets me is yet again neither of them seems to have thought how I am feeling and rung me to give me support. I just feel again this is unfair and I am left out to care for them.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, its not fair and its not nice. I lost my beloved Dad in October 09, no warning,fine one minute next minutes he'd had massive heart attack and was in ITU with them saying nothing they can do. Like you I have had to support my Mum and also my adult disabled sister who lives with my mum. My mum is stil like a lost sheep and I have to be there constantly, I want to be there for her, I love her and I think my Dad would have wanted me to be. However I resent my sister,not her fault she has additional needs but she is all my mum seems to worry about(I know as an adult I probably sound extremely petty:o) I have highlighted in red 2 points the first of which is your mum laid flowers for you as it was going to be fathers day, after having to buy fathers day gifts/cards for my ex from our children I was deeply upset that my daddy wasnt here to buy for. On fathers day my ex husband was "funny" around me, kept catching him watching me. When my 14 year DD got up she took one look at me and threw her arms round at which point I cried and ex came over saying he was waiting for this. Both of them thought about me..........your Mum obviously thought about you and how you might be feeling.My mum???? nothing, not a phone call a text or even a mention of anything about Dad or how I might have been feeling. The second part I highlighted as obviously I dont know any of you but thought it might be worth mentioning that perhaps she is speaking about you to them?? worrying about you to them?

And also talking about how I feel at the moment is this.........I am hurting so bad but am afraid to "let go" and its all bottling up. I'm scared that if I take time out to grieve properly(and probably how I need to) everything will fall apart if that makes sense?? I dont profess to know how you feel but I can tell you I could have a pretty good guess and its not a good feeling...... Oh and somewhere else I seem to think you think you let your daddy down by not being there well I did the same, they told us the night before they would be turning his machines off the next morning and when the time came I couldnt face it. I stayed outside and waited. I loved my Daddy and I know he loved me. You wouldnt have loved your Dad so much and be hurting this bad if he hadnt loved you So much too. You didnt let your Daddy down, I choose to believe my Daddy is somewhere watching me and is watching my children grow up. I believe your Daddy is doing the same to you. xx