Grief

Crisp_£_note

I don't realy know where to start explaining what I feel but I know somehow I need help.

Last year my father passed away and I have been there for my mother and brother if not physicaly then by phone. I find it hard to go home to see my Mum because my Dad isnt there for one and secondly mum makes it harder.

The only way I can sum up the way I feel is that I havent had time or chance to suffer berevement yet let alone grief. My brother does a lot to support my mum but he has lately got fed up with her and she is saying stuf like she thinks she must be a burden to him and everyone and apologises sarcasticaly for being in the way then comes the stuff about how she misses her husband etc etc. Yesterday I rang her and as I had missed 1 day of not speaking to her on the phone she got angry with me and said I didnt care about her. This hurts my feelings so I said to mum that if this negativity carried on I would hang up on her as I dont find her treatment accetible. She expects me to call her at least once a day (often 3) wherever she happens to be (but she wont use her mobile so its always got to be at one of her sisters or my brothers house. I politely said to her it wouldnt hurt her to call me once in a while to which she bluntly said whenever she tries to phone me I am out somewhere! and she either has to speak to the answermachine or hubby! I said that want true but I was sorry for the times I have been out.
She then continued to tell me she was not going to be in (at her sisters) much today as she has to go into town then this evening she is making herself go to a fun quiz night (with her sister and friends) which she wont enjoy but she has to make an effort to be positive and get on with life. She expected me to call and if she isnt in I can at least leave a message to let her know I tried to call. That way she wouldnt feel abandoned by her daughter as well (my brother hasnt bothered to call her for a week as he is too busy with work and when he did last call her he tells me mum was aparantly angry as he showed concern she had hurt her wrist and told her to see a dr (from falling off a lader and after being stubourn 2 days later eventualy was taken to A&E by her sister and she found out what she had really done) I had told her as well the day she fell off the ladder but I cant force her. Shes had recent issues over petty things with my brother so I think this was part of the reason why she was so cross with him.
I just feel she is so irrational and plays on me and my brother.

I have had to deal with this almost alone I cant say I know what its like to lose a husband you have been devoted to for so many years but I can say I know what its like to loose a father a dad but nobody wants to listen to me. Infact I have just realised I am still waiting for the referal to the berevement councelor which the dr arranged last year!

Ive had to shut off dealing with it myself to support my mum and brother through it. I feel I dont know what to do now, someone needs help (mum, brother or me) and I cant cope anymore. The mental pressure, the psychological stress the relationship with my mum, not being able to face going home. Mum being so reliant on others (she still hasnt moved back into her own house as the thought terrifies her and she is living a life between her 2 sisters, my brothers and when they show signs of getting fed up with her our house.
This is only a fraction of the way it feels but I am now cracking up (already brought myself back from the bottomless pit twice without mum realising how my dads death and her and my brother on top of daily living and debts etc all affects my life as well).

I expect when I call her today if I do catch mum at home she will have forgotten all about yesterdays shinanigans and be as happy go lucky again, yet she doesnt realise I have stressed and sobbed over it for the past 24 hours and dreaded calling her today as I half expect her to rub salt in the wounds again. Infact I dread calling Mum most days because I simply cant guess what mood she is going to be in. Maybe I will just get the answermachine so can relax and tomorrow will be a better day.

I feel I cant grieve until they are both gone and even then I will still have to deal with my brother and the circle starts again.


Can anyone help or support please I am desparate. I dont know where to go to help mum.

Thank you sorry this isnt about moneysaving but I have nowhere else to turn at the moment. Please be nice as I am emotional, volatile and at my wits end. Thanks.

balletshoes

go see your doctor - now. If you can't get an appointment to see him/her face to face in the next 1 or 2 working days, ask to speak to him/her on the phone - and tell them exactly what you've said here.

If you can't cope with your mother's attitude right now, don't. She has her sisters etc around her, she's living with them, she has someone to speak to. You don't. So call her today, apologise that you might not get a chance to call her so often for the next week or so, but if she needs you she knows where you are and feel free to get in touch. Then leave it alone for now, and concentrate on you. Give yourself time to grieve, we all have to go through it when someone close dies, and bottling it up and not allowing yourself to feel the grief because you need to be strong for others is only going to harm you in the long run.

We all have the potential to get totally out of character when we're grieving, you, your mum and your brother are all adults, so you are all responsible in a big way for your own grief and how you each individually deal with it. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

Crisp_£_note

Thank you

dumpy

Sweetie, you sound so stressed and I know the stress of having to ring someone who is taking their grief out on you.

Have you looked at cruse at all? They have a website and I think a help line?

Nothing else to say that can help but have a hug.

Judith_W

concerned43, the OP has been going out of his way to support his mum since his dad died and it is making him ill. Congratulations that you are able to cope contacting your mum, but every relationship is very different and you can only be strong for others if you are well. If that means contacting her less, bearing in mind she does have support elsewhere, then that seems a sensible thing to do.

OP, I don't know how old you both are, but I think your mum is being very self-centred and can't see it. Is she going to counselling cos it sounds like she needs it and may not move on without it. My brother was 'the strong one' when our mum died and 10 years later is only just grieving, not acknowledging it has messed up a lot of his relationships in his past so its really important you are given a chance to come to terms with it asap.

All the best!

motherofstudents

Others have given you good advice. Speak to someone, a friend, counsellor or GP and try to get some help. I think your mum is grieving in her own way and unfortunately you are having to cope with that on top of your own grief. If you are able to tell her that you need her because you really miss your dad and you are struggling, she might reallise that she is not the only one who is grieving. Obviously we don't know what your relationship with your family is like but don't be too hard on your mum, I know she is not being fair to you but grief is a very personal thing and maybe she doesn't realise what you are going through and how you are feeling. I was the strong one when my dad died so to outsiders it looked like I was ok and I could be leaned on. It did affect me later. I hope you get some help to feel better.

scooby088

You can talk to cruse their number will be online somewhere i have used them for counselling and they are brilliant, i used them 10 years after my mother died. Take time for yourself to grieve as you need to be a little bit selfish too.

Crisp_£_note

I am afraid of being mis judged (so easily done by strangers even caring ones) calling helplines like cruise etc. I cant pour out every detail since losing my Dad 15 months ago plus his illness and the other family deaths and isssues. Its like an onion it has layers that run deep and a phone call just wont cut it. Its been a risk posting on here a public forum but I cant turn to friends or family as I dont want to burden them myself!

To answer Judiths question I am 39 Female and Welsh so have a close knit bond with my family but that has loosend over the past 10 years as I flew the nest.

I think if mum had her way she would be living with me and hubby and possibly not even paying her way.

dumpy

I don't think anyone on the cruse phone line will judge you.

I'm sure they will just listen to as much as you are able to tell them, I'd say there is a world of difference as well between these lines where people are trained in listening and "joe public", where people put their own interpretation onto the problem.

But I don't want to tell you what to do, but I want to assure you we are here to listen to as much as you want or feel able to say.

Hugs D

scooby088

CRUSE will either arrange for you to attend a group counselling or individual one on one counselling, you will be under no pressure to talk but be assured they will not judge you or your circumstances. You will only be asked a few details over the phone and agree which is the best form of counselling for you. Have to admit i tried both and i found them to both beneficial to myself.

RAS

crispie

I had huge problems with my mother for rather different reasons. I spent many years trying to make her happy, until one day the realisation dawned on me; she did not want to be happy. For her having something about which to have a good moan was the core to life. Sadly, the more I withdrew, the worse she got (if it does not work try the same thing but only louder).

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness; that is something that can only come from her own self. Absolutely nothing you do will ever make her happy; she has to find that within herself.

What you can do is to look after yourself and find a way to be happy in yourself.