Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

DD265

vroombroom wrote: »

it's a leap year next year HBS x

I gave OH an ultimatum a few years ago about if he hadn't proposed by the next leap year in 2016 I would ask him.

I'm having my doubts about that now though as I don't want to get in the way of him proposing in the right way for him no matter how impatient I am.

Will just have to see what happens

VioletFlwr

I am so glad I found this thread because I'm losing my mind waiting for a proposal.

Here's the situation: we've been together 5 years, and we bought a house together last year. Probably within a year or 2 of dating, we had mostly reached an understanding that we would get married one day, but that we needed to date for a while first. So after we bought the house, I finally felt like it was time. We were settled, have good jobs, we even adopted a cat.

Then a bunch of his friends got engaged in the xmas ring rush (many of them haven't been dating as long as us), and I made a joke about how they were all beating us. He reminded me he could never propose in the winter (he's right, I hate winter). So I was all settled thinking it would probably happen over our summer vacation. We went on this life-changing trip to Greece, saw all these amazing sights, and the whole time I was waiting... but no ring. I figured maybe he didn't want to travel with an expensive ring, and that maybe he would do it when we got back (he had got me tickets to a film festival for my birthday). And... nothing.

I decided I needed to let him know I was ready so I went the classic route of aggressively hinting it was time to get married and watching lots of shows about wedding dresses and marriage. He even asked me about which rings I liked.

But still, nothing. To be clear, I have no doubt it will happen, but as far as I know he could be thinking another year or more (I'm 29, he's 27). We want kids so we don't have all the time in the world to wait. And honestly, it just feels ridiculous at this point. Calling my partner of 5 years my boyfriend like we're in high school disgusts me. I'm not his girlfriend, I am so so much more than that. And I'm tired of playing house.

Sometimes I'm able to get in a headspace where I think it will be okay and I can just wait, but what I really want to know is, how do you not end up being super resentful? I feel like if I drove home today and he proposed, I'd be like f*ck you for making me wait so long! I feel like I don't even want him to anymore. It's like you wasted every good chance to do it, and left me in the lurch. It's just hard to picture welcoming a proposal now. Unfortunately, my way of dealing with disappointment is to act like I never wanted it in the first place.

Sorry if none of this makes sense. I've always prided myself on not getting sucked up into nonsense like this, and here I am hysterical because he hasn't put a ring on it. It makes me feel pathetic.

cashewnut

VioletFlwr you're not pathetic! You should definitely talk to your other half about how frustrated this is making you feel though.

DD265

Wow the latest engagement on my news feed felt like a punch to the stomach. I was doing really well too - went to a wedding and felt no jealousy at all other than the bride had beautifully thick long hair and I wish my hair was that nice :rotfl:

I thought I'd gotten to the point where whilst I do want to get married, it didn't really matter right now in the grand scheme of things but it seems not.

firebird082

VioletFlwr - absolutely understand! I went through a lot of this last year. Once we'd bought the house and had a couple of months to settle, I got really fed up, went on a massive ring hunt to find one I liked, pointed him towards it, and we ordered it a couple of weeks later. He did eventually propose 'properly' a couple of months later with a temporary ring. God knows how long I'd've waited if I'd left him to it. I'm 33, so a bit more rushed than you!

In essence - Talk To Him - he probably has no idea how it's making you feel.

dottyvintage

The trouble is, no one wants to seem like they are being pushy/needy or a bunny boiler about this, so hence it doesn't get brought up for those reasons.

It is obvious a lot of others feel the same way about this, which is a little comforting.

if you read a few bride type magazines, the ones that feature 'real life weddings' it has a section called 'how we met' and 'the proposal' and sometimes in those it says how long they had been together before he proposed..And quite a lot of times they have been together 10-12-14 yrs! and some of the brides say that they thought it was never going to happen.

I tend to think you have to leave it to them, otherwise will it ever feel like he wanted to or did you push him into it?

Awkward. ..

Anatidaephobia

dottyvintage wrote: »

The trouble is, no one wants to seem like they are being pushy/needy or a bunny boiler about this, so hence it doesn't get brought up for those reasons.

It is obvious a lot of others feel the same way about this, which is a little comforting.

if you read a few bride type magazines, the ones that feature 'real life weddings' it has a section called 'how we met' and 'the proposal' and sometimes in those it says how long they had been together before he proposed..And quite a lot of times they have been together 10-12-14 yrs! and some of the brides say that they thought it was never going to happen.

I tend to think you have to leave it to them, otherwise will it ever feel like he wanted to or did you push him into it?

Awkward. ..

I guess it depends what type of communication you already have with other things; if it was something else would you discuss it in detail, or just mention it a bit, or leave him to it... With us, we are quite candid and I find it difficult NOT to share my feelings about anything, so after awhile of not talking about getting engaged, it started to feel like the elephant in the room and I realised that (for us) it was weirder not to talk about it than to bring it up.

dottyvintage

In teenage years, I feel it was sort of drilled into us females to not be demanding or pushy, also there is an element of "If he wanted me enough, he would propose", kind of feeling as well.

I have seen, several times, long term relationships end and the man then meets another woman and within a few months he has put a ring on the new ladies finger.

Whether that is due to him learning a very harsh lesson from his previous, is debatable, but happens none the less..

Unlike other subject one discusses with the other half, I feel the wedding discussion can be seen as backing him into a corner?

Very difficult...

:-)

DD265

My views are:

I want him to want to marry me which means he has to have some say in the matter.

He may have a grand plan up his sleeve so I don't want to upset that. He has told me previously that I have to let him do this his way. I suspect he will want it to be unexpected so if I drop the pressure it might happen.

I don't know whether it would bother me if I proposed to him and it was the "wrong" away around. It shouldn't, but then I shouldn't be getting so upset about other couples getting engaged either...

Realistically we can't afford to get married at the moment anyway so what's the rush?

He's a stubborn sod so the more I push the less likely it is to happen any time soon :rotfl:

chicacherrycola

Just thought I'd chip in again.
Still waiting FYI but we went to a wedding recently and as we were going through the day decided the things we would and wouldn't want at our wedding. to have an opinion about these things he must have thought about it at some point! We are just missing one vital step - still very frustrating.
And a few more friends got engaged recently too so that peed me off.

I'm glad you're all here and won't think I'm completely crackers!