Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

Anatidaephobia

I think men just put too much pressure on themselves. As far as I'm concerned, my OH and I are already engaged because we've already discussed marriage and a wedding in detail and agreed that we want to get married. But he wants to propose and everything has to be perfect - it has to be in the most romantic location ever, the perfect ring, he has to say the right words, even the weather has to be spot on! He had basically told me he was thinking of proposing around our anniversary (which was a month and a half ago) and it didn't happen.

We talked about it afterwards and he told me he has so many worries about getting it perfect. His dad, his friends and his work colleagues have all been making little comments about him proposing for the last few years and they've added to the pressure he puts on himself. His expectations have gotten out of control. He says that the moment is never good enough (but there have been plenty of lovely moments) and I told him that when he proposes, it's the act of proposing that will MAKE the moment "perfect" and right for us. I tried to get the message through that it doesn't have to be fairy tale perfect, it has to be REAL, and that when he proposes, it WILL be good enough, and other random things around us like scenery and sunsets are nice but won't matter.

I just tried to reassure him as much as possible and I think that's what he needed because he's not really been talking to anyone about this (normally he'd tell me everything but obviously doesn't want to ruin any surprise) so he's been struggling with the pressure and expectation alone. Hopefully he will have felt better after our chat. I'm purposefully trying not to put any pressure on him about when he does it so I'll just wait and see what happens - at the moment, I'm not too fussed because, as I said, I already know that we are going to get married at some point so I'm happy to wait just now and he can have the time he needs to build himself up for it. Saying that, I hope he does it soon cos I think it'll be a huge weight off his mind once he does it. I think society puts too much pressure on men to a, propose and b, make it wonderful/romantic/unforgettable, etc.

jojo-baby

hi everyone, i haven't posted for ages! but after this week, i think i need a bit or moral support!

welcome lika to the club, hoping you aren't here long, in the nicest possible way of course!
and when you think its going to happen and it doesn't, its just a tiny bit heartbreaking, it sucks i know.
it's 6 years since you were 22, of course you get to change your mind. But i think sometimes men take things at face value, so in man brain "you said "this" then, so must be true, why would it have changed" hopefully now he is realising that what you want has changed and sorting that through in his head.
Maybe also he is worried as his last attempt at marriage didn't end well, he could be scared of repeating mistakes (i'm not suggesting you are a mistake!). he might need more time that you think to get his head around things, despite what he might have insinuated!
have you tried talking to him about whether he wants to get married at all, how does he feel about it?

Hi Sophie8 its so frustrating, thinking it will be and then it isn't. just don't give up hope,
about the conversation with his brother, sometimes boys are just plain stupid, doesn't make what they do right though.
i don't want to make excuses for what he did coz i think it sucks as you describe it, but sometimes men dont want to look "soft" to other men, could that have something to do with it?

as for me, found out this week that the exBF is now engaged, oh and his fiancee is now pregnant too. i was pretty upset earlier in the week. i desperately want to get engaged and now he is. somehow it stings more when its him. It feels worse in a way as I know that I destroyed our relationship and that he is a really good person who deserves every happiness. I can't tell my OH how i have been feeling of course as he just would be upset, which would be completely fair enough and I dont want to upset him.
Weirdly having a very honest email convo with the exBF has made me feel better rather worse, i told him how I was feeling, and his replies have helped me.
What would really help would be wine and a good hug from BF/any friend, however I'm working away, somewhere with no friends and no alcohol, however my chocolate comsumption is through the roof!

Back to OH, his closest friend keeps on dropping hints as do lots of other people, I want him to do it in his own time, but sooooooon please!
I have moved countries and got a new job just to be with him, and i want to have a family with him, I had this idea in my mind since forever that I would have kids by 30, thats only too years away and I ain't even married or engaged yet

Right enough rambling from me, going to find more chocolate!!!

lika_86

jojo-baby wrote: »

hi everyone, i haven't posted for ages! but after this week, i think i need a bit or moral support!

welcome lika to the club, hoping you aren't here long, in the nicest possible way of course!
and when you think its going to happen and it doesn't, its just a tiny bit heartbreaking, it sucks i know.
it's 6 years since you were 22, of course you get to change your mind. But i think sometimes men take things at face value, so in man brain "you said "this" then, so must be true, why would it have changed" hopefully now he is realising that what you want has changed and sorting that through in his head.
Maybe also he is worried as his last attempt at marriage didn't end well, he could be scared of repeating mistakes (i'm not suggesting you are a mistake!). he might need more time that you think to get his head around things, despite what he might have insinuated!
have you tried talking to him about whether he wants to get married at all, how does he feel about it?

....

as for me, found out this week that the exBF is now engaged, oh and his fiancee is now pregnant too. i was pretty upset earlier in the week. i desperately want to get engaged and now he is. somehow it stings more when its him. It feels worse in a way as I know that I destroyed our relationship and that he is a really good person who deserves every happiness. I can't tell my OH how i have been feeling of course as he just would be upset, which would be completely fair enough and I dont want to upset him.
Weirdly having a very honest email convo with the exBF has made me feel better rather worse, i told him how I was feeling, and his replies have helped me.
What would really help would be wine and a good hug from BF/any friend, however I'm working away, somewhere with no friends and no alcohol, however my chocolate comsumption is through the roof!

Back to OH, his closest friend keeps on dropping hints as do lots of other people, I want him to do it in his own time, but sooooooon please!
I have moved countries and got a new job just to be with him, and i want to have a family with him, I had this idea in my mind since forever that I would have kids by 30, thats only too years away and I ain't even married or engaged yet

Right enough rambling from me, going to find more chocolate!!!

Thank you. At some point we definitely need an honest open chat about it. After posting from holiday I felt a lot better, it helped to get it out on here. At the moment I'm accepting it for what it is and thinking that if it hasn't happened then it hasn't happened for a reason and it'll work out for the best in the long term. Having said that, I was just looking for audience tickets for TV shows and mentioned that various shows are looking for participants and said that Million Pound Drop want people as do Don't Tell The Bride (any of you ladies fancy that?), I mentioned that and he said in his joking voice 'we could do that', I said that he'd have to want to marry me first, he said nothing. So that's my answer there then!

I'm sorry that you haven't had a good week. Even when things are over with exes, it still stings a bit when you see them move on (however happy you are inside), especially when it's the thing you want for yourself. I'm glad that emailing him and his replies helped a bit though. So frustrating for you though.

jojo-baby

i didn't get a haircut

Sophie 8 I'm also not getting a hair cut. I thought i was the only mad one . Haven't told anyone the reason I havent cut it for ages!
We have talked about getting married, I have firmly told him that I don't want kids until I'm married and he said he was OK with that. That was a couple months ago, I haven't said anything since as I dont want to put pressure on him.

As for me, last night my BF ended up having dinner alone with my mother! :eek::eek::eek::eek:
My dad emailed me to inform, i quickly called to check she hadn't eaten him! I can't believe how brave he is, he just popped in on the off chance that they were home, mum was, dad wasn't. Was kinda hoping Dad would have been home and they could have had a "chat". Nevermind, bless BF for going tho. (he happened to be working nearby where they live, which is a mega co-incidence considering we live in a different country to my parents!)

right work had me up for 4 hours in the middle of the night last night, i need coffee!

Hugs to all that need tham:grouphug::EasterBunit might not be easter, but it will sure help! and i won't tell if you don't!

lika_86

Prompted by you ladies (thank you), I asked him today about whether he thought we'd ever get married (in part because two characters in the book I was reading when I was on the Tube with him). He thought about it for a little bit as it was probably a bit of a surprise question and said that he hadn't really thought about it but could take it or leave it really and that he'd already been married once and that it had been a disaster so he wasn't super keen to do it again but that he had always worked on the assumption that I'd said that I'd never wanted to and that I don't really change my mind but that if I wanted to then it's something that we could do if I wanted to. I said that I would only want to do it if he wanted to. So that's that then. At least I know it's not something that's just around the corner.

Hoping for all you guys though.

lika_86

Sophie8 wrote: »

lika_86 at least you know now, but i wish you've told him you've changed your mind and you did wanted to get married, he tells you if you would like to do it, he would do it and you say you would if he wants to. But he thinks you don't care about it that much (obviously you care, otherwise you wouldn't be here) and he's not really keen on the idea, so in time i think you should tell him you do want to get married and just because he's been burnt once doesn't prove your marriage would be the same. If you're happy now, why should it be bad? I think it would be fantastic

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope one day we all get what we want :beer:

The thing is that I know he's the kind of person who would want to make me happy and do what I want, even if he's not that keen and for something like this, I'd only want to get married if he 100% wanted to do it and make me his wife. If not, then I think I can live with us just being happy together, I think what was getting to me the most was waiting and thinking that a proposal might be forthcoming after six years and wondering why other people felt strongly enough about their girlfriends to propose after much shorter relationships, but if he doesn't want to then I suppose it's not about any failing on my part, but just bad experience on his.

burnoutbabe

Sophie8 wrote: »

He said we needed to save for such a wedding. And we could get married next summer. Mind you no word of proposal yet. But i took the advice given here and since we are living together and he several times said he was gonna marry me, i brought up the subject in a light and breezy manner. *it wasn't easy at all*

So he must be proposing while on holiday, but knowing him even a slight change can postpone his "perfect proposal". And he didn't say anything definitive (i learned this the hard way, after telling all my close friends and family that my OH was to propose last may * le sigh*)

Isn't that a proposal? he said you can get married next summer? So why not just say "ohhhh does that mean we are engaged and can start planning it".

FBaby

Sophie, I posted here last year, but just want to say that it is going in the right direction. My OH and I discussed marriage in a very casual way very early in our relationship, but in a 'One day I'd love to marry you' which for me meant that he would propose within months whereas to him meant 'in 5 years time' . We then advance to the point of agreeing to it for the following year (where you are now!) and I used that discussion to say that I really wanted to marry in September, so that a date was 'almost' set! After that, I spent each occasions that passed by waiting for the official proposal, but it never came. By February (ie. valentines day) so 6 months before that fatidic September, I started to think he was winding me up, especially as he seemed suddenly less keen on discussing it, bringing up hints that he wasn't sure he would get his bonus and therefore being able to afford the wedding. I'd started feeling quite low to the point of entering into a huge argument about it...when he confessed that he'd planned to propose the following week-end! Thankfully, letting it out was the release he needed and he went ahead with his plans and it was wonderful.

The thing is, at this point, that is 5 months to the date we'd discussed, I started to question whether maybe we should wait another year. At this point, I felt secure that he really wanted to be married and didn't feel the need to rush any longer, but it was him who insisted that we could do it for September. Indeed, I found planning it much simpler than I had expected and everything was perfect on the day.

Don't despair, he is clearly comfortable discussing it, he just needs his time to plan it properly (indeed, OH did say that it was important that he proposed properly and he certainly did so arranging for us to go away for the week-end, stayed in a gorgeous castle and had even managed to get the honeymoon suit, so couldn't have been more perfect).

jojo-baby

Hey,
no good news for me yet, however one of my colleagues has been planning his proposal, and as I am the only women he can speak to (we are on a ship) he has been asking me loads.
The amount of thought and effort he is putting into this is so sweet.

So here is to hoping that our men are thinking the same as this guy.

The ring he is designing is not going to arrive in time, so now he is worried about not having the ring (proposal can not be postponed), his care and thought just shows how much he loves her, bless him!

Just gives me a nice fuzzy feeling, he asked if i minded helping, i replied with "well its the closest i'm going to get to seeing an engagement ring"

jojo-baby

Sophie, not sure about that, i was kind of surprised how it didn't get me down!