Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

rdchick

Congratulations Ask and everyone else who got a ring on it!

3 year anniversary has been and gone... my 25th birthday last week... no ring, however he has paid for us both to go to New York next month during Thanksgiving for a few days... very very excited, everyone keeps saying 'he's gonna ask you in New York'. I know he's not, I can't imagine it ever happening.

I had a birthday party last week and only 40 people turned up of the 150 people invited, which he responded to 'well we won't need too many invites to our wedding then' and he completely has a point, if they don't wanna be involved in my life then they ain't coming to my wedding!

My nephew is 1 next month, bf thinks he's great, thankfully nephew is the sweetest most well behaved happiest kid ever so the boy is slowly coming round to the idea of kids.. including the phrases... when we have kids or 'our kids will..'

Congrats again everyone! xxx

rdchick

Kerri! Congratulations on the baby, completely missed your post! xxx

kerri_dfw

Thanks rdchick, happy birthday for last week

Our 3yr anniversary was last week, no ring. But he's just got some inheritance so taking us away first weekend in December for a spa weekend in the lake district. It'll be the most romantic holiday we've ever been on, and likely to go on now we have a child in tow...but I doubt he'll propose then grr. I have stopped mentioning it now in the hope this will spur him on a bit.


They might surprise us yet though.

rdchick

Oh Kerri that sounds lovely! fingers crossed huh?! I really hope now is our time!

A friend of mine has just booked her wedding on Valentines day 2015... wants me to decorate the reception... I best be engaged by then! xxx

Wine_of_the_World

Still waiting!

I am feeling particularly sad just now. We have been together for over 3 years; our anniversary came and nothing, as had our last holiday (we aren’t planning another for over a year). I’m afraid I got very upset when I realised he wasn’t going to ask on holiday. We had a chat and he said that he could see I was upset when his friends recently got engaged, and that he did love me and was committed to me, and that he was going to organise something special. This had followed a previous chat a few months before that along previous lines.

Well, he organised a surprise night away this weekend. I really thought ‘this is it!!!’ and secretly thought how I would tell friends and family. But no.

I noticed he had been looking at flights on the internet I did wonder whether he was looking at a cheap city break – so I decided to ask if he had anything else planned. I felt I needed to know for sure as I didn’t want to get all excited and be disappointed again. But he hadn’t booked anything else. He started to get grumpy, saying he doesn’t know what I expect of him.

I feel I am at a cross roads. Thinking over our conversations either 1- he has had serious memory lapses and genuinely has no glue I am waiting or 2 - he doesn’t want to marry me yet.

He isn’t normally forgetful. So I am really thinking where on earth is our relationship going. Everything else seems good, so on the one hand I don’t want to end it, but on the other as its most likely he is not yet ready, I don’t want to be ‘hanging on’ for years as in all seriousness my age is an issue and I don’t have more years to wait.

But to be honest I am finding the continuous disappointment really hard, I am always thinking ‘it will happen now’. Like this weekend when we were walking around the grounds of the estate and I am thinking its quiet and so beautiful here - a perfect place to ask, but at the same time I knew he wasn’t going to ask anything. I could be waiting for years and years (more!).

Sorry this is all very negative but what it means for the future of our relationship is huge!

Gonzo1987

Sorry to hear you're having doubts about everything. I hope you sort things out. I know you have spoken to him but does he realise how serious you are?

I'm still waiting for my OH to officially propose, but as we're putting down the deposit for the wedding on Thursday I know he will soon! He's got 6 months!

Wine_of_the_World

[FONT=&quot]That's one way to do it!

I am sure he knows it’s what I want, but perhaps not how much it all really means to me; however I wont be reduced to saying 'propose to me or we'll split up' as I think he would - and the whole thing would be, in my mind, spoilt and I would always know he only did it to save us splitting up.

[/FONT]ETA – as I was replying to this we had a bit of a head-to-head; he asked me straight out if I was upset because he hadn’t asked yet, which I did admit. He said he had been thinking about it for ages, and trying to plan it so it was right. When I asked about the opportunities he’d had his reason for not asking was because he was nervous and wasn’t certain I would say yes. But a few things really upset me; firstly he hasn’t actually planned / organised anything, despite claiming to have been ‘trying to’ for months. He also said he’d asked around at work how long people were together before they were engaged, and as some were together for ages he felt he had more time before he HAD to ask, claiming ‘marriage is a women thing’

The outcome was that it’s clear he doesn’t want to ask me, but was waiting until he ‘had’ to. For me, its really important that he WANTs to ask. So, I’ve called a break on things, so I can figure out what is and what isn’t important. I.e I love the whole romantic ideal where the man doesn’t ‘know’ for sure whether the women will say yes – the whole take a risk; but logically its probably not worth splitting up over. However it was also clear he didn’t want to ask and seemed to base it on what other people felt was acceptable, rather than because he loved me and wanted to.

Simstar84

So, I’ve called a break on things, so I can figure out what is and what isn’t important. I.e I love the whole romantic ideal where the man doesn’t ‘know’ for sure whether the women will say yes – the whole take a risk; but logically its probably not worth splitting up over. However it was also clear he didn’t want to ask and seemed to base it on what other people felt was acceptable, rather than because he loved me and wanted to.

If your going to marry, do it for the right reasons!, assess every aspect of yourself and your partner, dont dwell on " is he gonna ask me?" get you nowhere and stress you out!!

FBaby

WineoftheWorld, I was exactly where you are only 8 months ago. It feels like 8 years ago Like you, there had been a number of perfect occasions that passed. Like you, as each passed, I started to doubt there were any reasonable reasons why he didn't propose then and like you, I started doubting that he really want to marry me.

6 weeks pass our marriage, and obviously in a totally different mindset, I can look back and realised that what made him not doing during this time was just one thing...he needed more time. More time for what? Just to come to term with what being married would mean to us. To be fair, for me, it was very much a case of asking myself 'do I want to be married to him', the answer being yes and that was it. For him though, it meant a number of more questions. He didn't tell me what they were, but the circumstances were such that I can see why he would need more time to get to that same stage I was at.

It didn't mean he didn't want to be married, but there is a difference between knowing you want to be married, and going ahead there and then. When you look back, however frustrated and insecure you felt at the time, you realise that it is reassuring that he was completely 100% ready to get married when he asked.

My husband went from getting anxious about talking about the wedding, going on about how he definitely didn't want to spend much money on it, saying he wasn't that bothered about what he wore, where it was ect... to being totally engrossed in it and so excited, I couldn't get him to shut up about it.

All this to say, some men just need a bit more time than us, not because they are less committed or want it less, just because they think more about it all and therefore the process to get to that ready stage takes longer.

Don't despair. If he is open and talking to you about it, he clearly wants it. Most likely, he will surprise you when you have stopped expecting it. That is exactly what happened to me.

I'm crossing all my fingers that you will be here only in a few months (or less) telling us that your turn has come and sharing your wedding plan with us.

Gonzo1987

Wine_of_the_World wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]That's one way to do it! [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I am sure he knows it’s what I want, but perhaps not how much it all really means to me; however I wont be reduced to saying 'propose to me or we'll split up' as I think he would - and the whole thing would be, in my mind, spoilt and I would always know he only did it to save us splitting up.[/FONT]

ETA – as I was replying to this we had a bit of a head-to-head; he asked me straight out if I was upset because he hadn’t asked yet, which I did admit. He said he had been thinking about it for ages, and trying to plan it so it was right. When I asked about the opportunities he’d had his reason for not asking was because he was nervous and wasn’t certain I would say yes. But a few things really upset me; firstly he hasn’t actually planned / organised anything, despite claiming to have been ‘trying to’ for months. He also said he’d asked around at work how long people were together before they were engaged, and as some were together for ages he felt he had more time before he HAD to ask, claiming ‘marriage is a women thing’

The outcome was that it’s clear he doesn’t want to ask me, but was waiting until he ‘had’ to. For me, its really important that he WANTs to ask. So, I’ve called a break on things, so I can figure out what is and what isn’t important. I.e I love the whole romantic ideal where the man doesn’t ‘know’ for sure whether the women will say yes – the whole take a risk; but logically its probably not worth splitting up over. However it was also clear he didn’t want to ask and seemed to base it on what other people felt was acceptable, rather than because he loved me and wanted to.

Does he actually want to propose ever? It seems to me he's very reluctant, my current BF has made no secret of his intention to marry me, and my previous was the same. To me if marriage wasn't on the cards it could potentially be deal breaker. Same as if, my OH wanted kids, then no matter how much I loved him that is also a deal breaker, I don't want them and never will (luckily he's on the same page!)

I hope you sort it out, I think sometimes you've got to be a bit selfish, and although someone may say they'd rather be with the person and not be married, to me, the right person would be someone who shared my view on that.