Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

jtr2803

I am really pleased that you still had a great time! Must have been better than the awful weather we have had here, I can't believe this time last year we were basking in glorious sunshine, I remember sitting outside sunbathing at lunch time during April, crazy isn't it!

jtr2803

Hi ladies,

I have been agonising over the past week as to whether to spill the beans or not but thought that it might become quite obvious over the next few weeks and wanted to give you an update first hand.

Two weeks ago was a very bad day for us, I knew I had been getting close to my 'beaking' point but had been desperately trying to hold it off until we got back from the Maldives. I just literally woke up one morning and realised that I'd just had enough of empty promises. I am very much a person who believes that you don't say things you don't mean and don't promise things you don't intend on doing, I suppose I felt like I had tried to be so patient for so long that I wasn't really being true to myself anymore. I was very blunt about it, more so than in Kenya. It was a painful day, I don't understand how he can keep telling me he wants to marry me but not do anything about it, and he doesn't understand why I would throw away four good years for the sake of a wedding (I corrected him that it was the marriage I wanted, not just a wedding).

The end result was me stating that he either wants to marry me, or he doesn't. He still maintains that he does so I said it HAS to be next year, I've done my best to be patient and understanding for two years now and I just know I cannot do it for another year, it's been eating at away at me majorly for the past 12 months, ever since I became adamant he would do it in the Maldives, and I don't like the person that this 'not knowing' is making me. He agreed (more like gave in I expect) and said that we will make it official, get a ring and told me to start looking at venues. He went to the pub with his best mate that night and has now told him we will be getting married next year.

The day after we had a chat about where we go from here and he finally admitted the biggest reason he hasn't yet done it, he is absolutely TERRIFIED of the day itself. He has absolutely no qualms about being married to me and making that commitment, but he has major anxiety issues over having to say his vows in front of people and having people stare at him. It's pretty much what I suspected although I think even I underestimated how bad it really is. The funny thing is that he is such a friendly and outgoing person, he has to talk to strangers all the time as part of his job, but the having 'people' watch him almost makes him freeze. He told me that he needs it to be as small as possible, just closest family and friends and he doesn't want an evening party (I know he hates them anyway!). He also wants to go away as soon as possible afterwards so that he can focus on the holiday rather than get worked up about the actual day.

I started looking at venues to get an idea of costs and also to try and find somewhere we could have just an afternoon ceremony and dinner, but that started looking pretty impossible, they either have huge standard hire fees or minimum numbers of 40+. I did find one venue with a minimum of 30 so have made an appointment to see their functions co-ordinator on Monday 14th. Initially I was going to go with my best friend, just to scope out prices, availability and options but when I told OH he said he will come too , we even got as far as throwing together a rough guest list. The chain that owns the possible venue also has another pub 10 minutes from our home town that has a lovely barn style room for private dining, so that's another option. We can't have the ceremony there but have agreed to go and look at the registry office in the next town, although the room itself is nothing special, it is 2 minutes from a cathedral and castle ruins, both of whose grounds we can use as a back drop. It's also significantly cheaper that getting a registrar out to an approved premises in our home town.

That's kind of where we are at the moment, we have briefly talked money and are hoping to come in around the £4k mark for everything except honeymoon. We are still trying to decide on a date (I'll start a separate thread about that!). We might do it secretly, purely because of his anxiety. I know people have a tendency to ask the future bride/groom if they are nervous or if everything is sorted and I think that will make him nervous! We are still hoping to invite some of our other friends and work mates but it will more like a drink in the pub than a DJ and buffet and will be a fairly last minute invite. Obviously still a lot to be ironed out.

It's a shame that we had to do it this way, especially after all the talks, all the perfect moments that he could have done it etc but I really believe if you want something that much, you have to go after it. I have had moments of feeling terrible, like I have pushed him into it but he is 32 years old, if he really doesn't want to then he should make that well known! He has called me his wife a couple of times this week and we have laughed about him trying it on for size but now he has come to terms with the fact it IS going to happen, he seems to be fairly ok. I am trying not to overload him so we tend to have fairly brief 5/10 minute discussions about various things and then go back to normal.

No ring at this point, he says he knows the sort of thing I like so I have left it to him. I'm not actually that worried about one, if I get one then great but if not...it's not a huge deal. I am hoping to have something booked by September!

Lots of hugs to those who are still waiting and are past the deadlines that they may have set themselves.

xxxxx

daisiegg

Jtr, despite the tone of your post seeming slightly downbeat, I'm going to say it - congratulations! You are getting married! You must be relieved for it to all have come out in the open and to find out that it's NOT that he doesn't want to marry you. I'm sure you can still have a lovely day and then an amazing honeymoon and then an even better marriage. Have you thought about going off abroad and doing it somewhere, btw? I was desperate to get married in Vegas last summer (it's one of my favourite places on earth) and we even got as far as looking at some of the 'wedding chapels' - and now, when we're actually planning the big white wedding, OH keeps moaning that he wishes we'd just done it in Vegas!

Congratulations, and best of luck with the planning. I do hope you get a nice ring as well, even though it's not the important bit of course!

74jax

:jcongratulations hun, :beer:

duchy

It's the marriage that counts not the day -My brother is anti big fuss so he got married in the registry office and then had a bangers and mash sitdown in a pub (hired the pub) that did speciality sausages. It was great fun and I enjoyed it more than the standard disco reception .

Vegas would be a fun idea-there's all different styles of chapel and you can do it as cheaply or expensively as you like

jtr2803

I didn't mean to sound downbeat Daisiegg! Probably a bit of sensitivity towards the ladies that have kindly accompanied me on this thread for almost a year and also not wanting to get too excited just yet, I think I will be able to relax when we have a date and a booking! Going abroad would have been my ideal solution, unfortunately we both realise that our families want to see us get married and they can't come away so we would like to have some sort of celebration with them here

Thank Duchy, I agree with the marriage being the most important part, fortunately he has no issue with that bit! We did discuss just having a ceremony and that's it but I want to at least have a meal with our nearest and dearest and OH agrees. When I told him about having a pub room so people can come for a drink he said that was ideal, much more informal and more his thing.

katie1812

I'm sure it will all work out fabulously At least the issue was brought out into the open, it must have been difficult for him knowing how much you, and he, wanted to be married, but not being able to just say what it was. Hope the meeting with the venue goes well!

AllyS

Yay JTR fantastic news, so pleased you worked thungs through

Still plenty of time to make 12-12-12

My friend had a small wedding. Church, Thai restaurant and then back to the local pub for the evening

So excited for you and squirrel xxx

minerva_windsong

Congratulations JTR! I can totally understand the wanting a small wedding and what you've got planned sounds lovely

MrsDrink

JTR - That is pretty much how MrD and I 'fell' into being engaged. If Mr JTR is anything like MrD then in the beginning everything was baby steps - nothing to overwhelm him... but now he's come to terms with it (sounds really awful writing that but it's true!) we do have longer discussions and he even went groomzilla on me demanding we have tables at our 'informal garden party'! Huge congratulations. x