Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

minerva_windsong

Chick wrote: »

From my point of view, moving in together was a step forward in our relationship with the inevitable progression towards marriage. Am not entirely convinced that he shares this view

Ah Chick, I hear you on that one - we've been living together for a year now and if I'm honest I'd have thought that was enough time for him to decide if he wanted to marry me. Evidently not. Which I do sort of get because we were long distance for so long so there are times where even though we've been together almost five years we still have some 'catching up' to do, so to speak, but it would be nice (and, in a cynical way, would probably make things easier) if we could go travelling as an engaged couple...

MrsDrink

Congratulations Squirrel!! :T:T:T

eleanor73

Congratulations Squirrel!!!! :j:j:j:j:j:j:j

Brightside

Congratulations Squirrel, lovely to read such happy posts.

ashbtvs

I'm feeling pretty down about this today ladies, need somebody who understands (that'd be you lot!).

It's my birthday next month and OH keeps asking what I want. He keeps saying things like "you've got everything you want" and "you dont need anything"

I feel like screaming at him. He knows bloody well what I want but if I so much as mention ring or wedding then I'm being pushy or rushing him. 4 and a half years down the line, living together for the majority of that. We spoke about it often when we first got together. He always said that was what he wanted and he knew I wouldn't be happy waiting longer than 3 years! Passed that mate!

I went through the stages of building myself up for every holiday/special day/anniversary/birthday/christmas etc and being disappointed. Now I'm at the stage where I dont expect it at all and I dont know which is worse to be honest.

Am I being ridiculous?

eleanor73

ashbtvs wrote: »

I'm feeling pretty down about this today ladies, need somebody who understands (that'd be you lot!).

It's my birthday next month and OH keeps asking what I want. He keeps saying things like "you've got everything you want" and "you dont need anything"

I feel like screaming at him. He knows bloody well what I want but if I so much as mention ring or wedding then I'm being pushy or rushing him. 4 and a half years down the line, living together for the majority of that. We spoke about it often when we first got together. He always said that was what he wanted and he knew I wouldn't be happy waiting longer than 3 years! Passed that mate!

I went through the stages of building myself up for every holiday/special day/anniversary/birthday/christmas etc and being disappointed. Now I'm at the stage where I dont expect it at all and I dont know which is worse to be honest.

Am I being ridiculous?

NOOOOOOOO! This is far from ridiculous. I am so over the 'pushy' thing. I am not pushy-I am honest. If I was trying to get my bf to do something he didn't want then that would be pushy but he has told me he does want it so then.....do it! That's my situation anyway. Hopefully my 'honesty' (not pushiness;)) will come off soon! In my opinion/what I would do is wait til things are nice and calm and you are getting on well and tell him how you feel. No sarcasm/bitterness/stress/ blaming - just tell him how you feel. You'll probably be able to tell what he feels/wants by his reaction and then you can assess the situation and go from there. I know lots say this doesn't matter but how old are you both?

ashbtvs

We are both 25. Still plenty of time some say but I'm of the old fashioned school of thought. Date till you find someone you want to marry, then do it!

We have had the calm mature talk a while ago. All I get out of him is that he wants to but he's not ready. He cant understand why or explain it himself, so he is quite apologetic about it because he can understand why I would be frustrated by this.

He says he will be ready "one day". This day feels like its getting further away - not closer!

eleanor73

ashbtvs wrote: »

We are both 25. Still plenty of time some say but I'm of the old fashioned school of thought. Date till you find someone you want to marry, then do it!

We have had the calm mature talk a while ago. All I get out of him is that he wants to but he's not ready. He cant understand why or explain it himself, so he is quite apologetic about it because he can understand why I would be frustrated by this.

He says he will be ready "one day". This day feels like its getting further away - not closer!

Arr that's hard if you've already had the talk. I agree that 25 is young and maybe that is what is holding him back but I agree with you. Once you've found that person you just want to get on with it! Well I did and still do! I suppose if he isn't ready and is being honest about that then it's up to you how long you wait? I know how hard that is.

ashbtvs

Exactly. He wants to start having kids by 30 and he knows fine well that I want to be married and in our own house by then. So he's kind of set the deadline himself there, so he better stick to it. Thanks Eleanor, its good just having people in the same boat who just understand.

BugglyB

ashbvts, do you guys talk about the future much? I wonder if you leave all conversation of marriage out of it and just ask him, maybe in the context of a conversation about his job, or his family, 'what do you want to achieve in the next 5 years' or 'where do you see yourself at your dads age'.

It may be that he has some mythical list of things he wants to achieve before he gets married. Or he's weighing up a false dichotomy of 'settling down' vs some mad plan he could still do when married!

I think sometimes we make the mistake of approaching the 'when are we getting married conversation' in the same way we would approach the 'I have cancer' or 'I know you're cheating on me' conversation which is why it terrifies our men!