Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

Faerie

P00pieb0tt0m, that's awful. I think I would have burst into tears! Do you think he meant to sound that mean? Do you want him to be the father to your children? Do you think he'd be a good dad?

Brighton_belle

RainbowDrops wrote: »

I've already posted way back in this thread, but to recap to the OP - me & OH were together for 7 years before he proposed.
But it had no bearing on our relationship.
We've been as commited and in love all those years as we are right now married.
Yes it's natural to sometimes think, "why can't we get married now?" but there's no rush really if you're commited anyway.
Re-read your first post to remind yourself of how lovely your OH is.

I gently beg to differ: if you cherish marriage then constantly being denied this ultimate statement of the committment you feel is incredibly painfully and unacknowledging.
When your partner is unable to joyfully make a proactive statement of intent for your future togther, or even just seeing the value in being legal next of kin, it is very sapping.
Rather than say "there's no rush if you're committed anyway" I would say "why not go for it now if we're committed anyway?"
Life is full of the unexpected, including the loss of love ones, why put off til tomorrow what you could do today?
Once my DH proposed, we married in 10 weeks; we both wanted to leap into our future life as husband and wife. For me, nothing, absolutely nothing beats being able able to call my DH, my husband rather than 'boyfriend'.
We too loved each other before he proposed just as much as we do now, but for us, being married has proved significantly different to living togther and to paraphrase a well know ad, the depth of our feelings for each other has reached parts living together never did. I always knew it would be so positive for both of us and had to patiently wait years and cope with some people telling me, it makes no differnce, it's just a piece of paper, what's he hurry, you're going to spend the rest of your life togther anyway, blah blah blah. It's made a huge differnce and we are still beaming 6 months later.

I feel for you jtr:(. It sometimes reaches a point when it is paralysing.

indiepanda

Faerie - I really feel for you, sounds a very distressing situation, I am not sure if I would be as forgiving.

Has your other half ever explained why he didn't want to go through with the wedding after all and and what he expects to be different by the "one day" when he will be ready to get married?

You mention you were met at university - was that when you got together? I wonder if he has in mind an age by which he expects to marry and he feels too young at the moment (just thinking about how old he might be if you had been seeing each other since university - mid 20s ish?).

BugglyB

p00pieb0tt0m wrote: »

Little re-cap. Been together 10 years now, lived with him at my Mums for many years, bought house together and moved in, just the 2 of us May 2010. Had couple counselling last year, as while my OH said he loved me(and I believed him), he was going to dump me. Managed to stay together and try do some things differently.

Part of the counselling was to talk more about feelings, etc. So, had a conversation Monday night. Started with ' What do you think about getting married next February?' He answered with 'Maybe' Turns out that he still loves me. I asked him if he wanted children, as he previously has said yes and no on different occasions. 'Yes' he said 'although I don't think I'd be very good'. Then I asked him if he wanted me to be the mother and he said 'no'. He told me that it was because I take over in situations and he believes I'd want my own way all the time. I think we make a brilliant team, I've agreed to try to be less forward. The thing is that he isn't, he doesn't plan. put ideas forward or decide things. If something needs a decision making he leaves it to me. I have to really push him for opinions.

Today, after much thinking, crying and some anger(privately) I decided and told him that I'd need a absolute decision in August as to whether we break up or get engaged.

He has hurt me very much by saying he doesn't see me as the mother of this childen, and although I've said until August I am finding it hard to be civil to him, and if I can't be then we might as well break up now.

Feeling like absolute carp. Thanks for reading, going to bed now.

Oh goodness what an awful situation. Sorry but your oh sounds like a horrible person. If you asked for my advice (which I'm WELL aware you haven't :rotfl:) I'd say DTMFA - he sounds like hes doing that man thing of i'm not going to break up with her I'm just going to be such a !!!!!! that she'll break up with me after a while. Why hang around waiting to see if he's going to pick you up or put you down? he doesn't deserve you.

rdchick

Jeez it's all a bit scary on here at the mo isn't it?! Lots of ultimatums and final decisions!

I hope everyone is ok and big hugs to everyone that needs them and would just like them.

(on my notes about BF and kids - he has mentioned twice this week - 'Our kids will have blah blah blah..' so I am pretty happy about that and maybe he just said something he didn't mean or I just took it the wrong way)

Also, BF has just signed up to FB. I don't know how I feel about him being on there (I've been on it since 2007)... I guess it's just another thing to keep an eye on... and there are some girls I know that I don't trust but are 'friends' if you see what I mean... don't want people sticking their noses in where they are not wanted... we'll see how it plays out... xxx

Brightside

oh p00pieb0tt0m, that is harsh.

I have to say I started to feel the same about my ex, I always thought we would be great parents, then he became more and more erratic in his behaviour, was selfish, put others before me, then wasn't bothered about things which were previously important to both of us, etc. I decided to leave and was saving like mad for an exit when I met current H2B, all the stress came out, we had a blazing row and I left with a bag of clothes, bedding, the dog and dog food.

This all happened last May, 4 weeks later he was diagnosed with depression which according to his doctors he seems to have suffered a long time and had used me as a crutch.

AllyS

Faerie - wow you are a better person than me. I think you have handled everything with such grace and understanding, he is a lucky man to have you. I really hope he appreciates that some day. Hugs xx

Poopiebottom - again wow I can't believe how understanding you are, maybe it is time to look at what you want and need. I think you deserve to be with someone that appreciates you for you. What a hurtful thing to say

JTR how are you doing?

I have noticed since EX H got engaged that more and more people are asking me if we are going to get married, its almost like it is ok now haha. Driving me potty to be honest. I always say I would marry OH tomorrow if he wanted too, I took the blame for me and ex breaking up when it was nothing to do with me, I promised myself I would never take the blame for something happening or not happening ever again, unless of course it really is my fault.

Also, does anyone have any plans to propose next week? No point me doing it, but I might jokingly ask him see if his response changes at all - it's always yes, one day grrrr:mad:

P.s. I have just read an article that states that tradition denotes that if the guy refuses your proposal he is supposed to buy you a gift, am more and more tempted everyday haha

mazy_m

Ha ha Ally love it think I might do it myself for that reason.....to get a present out of it!! although it's his 30th this month so that would be pretty mean!! lol!!

mazy_m

Faerie and P00pieb0tt0m not much in the way of advice others on here are so good at it! but as Ally says you two have been so understanding you need to take some time to think about what you want and how much longer you're willing to put up with it. Hope you're both ok and sending you hugs!!

Hope everyone else on the thread is ok too
Maz xx

eleanor73

p00pieb0tt0m wrote: »

Little re-cap. Been together 10 years now, lived with him at my Mums for many years, bought house together and moved in, just the 2 of us May 2010. Had couple counselling last year, as while my OH said he loved me(and I believed him), he was going to dump me. Managed to stay together and try do some things differently.

Part of the counselling was to talk more about feelings, etc. So, had a conversation Monday night. Started with ' What do you think about getting married next February?' He answered with 'Maybe' Turns out that he still loves me. I asked him if he wanted children, as he previously has said yes and no on different occasions. 'Yes' he said 'although I don't think I'd be very good'. Then I asked him if he wanted me to be the mother and he said 'no'. He told me that it was because I take over in situations and he believes I'd want my own way all the time. I think we make a brilliant team, I've agreed to try to be less forward. The thing is that he isn't, he doesn't plan. put ideas forward or decide things. If something needs a decision making he leaves it to me. I have to really push him for opinions.

Today, after much thinking, crying and some anger(privately) I decided and told him that I'd need a absolute decision in August as to whether we break up or get engaged.

He has hurt me very much by saying he doesn't see me as the mother of this childen, and although I've said until August I am finding it hard to be civil to him, and if I can't be then we might as well break up now.

Feeling like absolute carp. Thanks for reading, going to bed now.

I'm sorry you probably don't want to hear it but he sounds manipulative and a little bit cruel. I hope whatever happens you end up happy.

Faerie wrote: »

It's strange because although I want the ring back, I'm worried that I have doubts about marrying him. Would it be the right thing to do?! Why do I even want to get married? We went to a restaurant last week and I was again convinced I'd get it back. I worked myself into such a tizz, I was so nervous. Then when it didn't happen I wanted to cry.

I've made more of an effort to do the things that I want to do. I'm losing weight, I'm being more social, I'm looking for a job in my hometown. He says he'll move with me but we'll see. What will be, will be!

Ps Getting rid of facebook was the best thing I've done in a long while. Blocking people didn't really help me, now it's gone I'm not even tempted to log in and snoop

I am glad that you are making an effort to do the things you want to do. It's so important. If you are no longer sure you want to marry him (and I still believe a little bit it may be because you can't forgive him-but maybe that's because I would feel like that!) and he (at the mo) doesn't want to marry you, you should just relax a bit and see if the relationship is worth saving? Totally random thought-have you thought of starting afresh and asking him to sell the ring. If he wants to propose in the future he will need to get you a new ring - almost you going back to where we all are? I'm not sure I could do it but I know I also wouldn't want the ring that he had changed his mind over as I would feel it's got sad memories attached to it?

This end things are wierd. We are off for a nice weekend which I am going to try to enjoy even though yet again I am 100% sure it is not a proposal event! Also my landlady wants to put our rent up and my bf says he would rather move (he hates our neighbours and isn't keen on the area). Now as much as I don't really want to move that isn't the issue- I don't want to be signing a new contract when I may be leaving him end of April. Also I am dreading the minute he shows me some flash top floor flat he wants to move into which will underline the fact that he REALLY isn't looking for a family home!! SO as some of you guys have advised (but what I really hadn't wanted to do because I think he's had enough warnings/signs/messages/nags) I am probably going to have 'a talk' with him if the moving thing comes up before end of April. Grrrrrrr

jtr - I hope your ok xxx

Ally S - It's great your partner's bezzie likes you so much when he also really got on with his ex. That shows how fab you are!!!