Waiting for a proposal - how did you stay sane?!

74jax

RainbowDrops wrote: »

I've already posted way back in this thread, but to recap to the OP - me & OH were together for 7 years before he proposed.
But it had no bearing on our relationship.
We've been as commited and in love all those years as we are right now married.
Yes it's natural to sometimes think, "why can't we get married now?" but there's no rush really if you're commited anyway.
Re-read your first post to remind yourself of how lovely your OH is.

I think the people on here don't see it that way.

It's not the 'rush', in my case I don't count 6years to be engaged 'rushed'.

I believe being engaged is a bigger commitment to living together, and being married as more than engaged. Everyone is different, but that's the purpose of this thread, everyone knows how lovely their OH is and what they would be giving up, but need an output for the pit in your stomach empty ache that they deal with every single day.

RainbowDrops

Totally, I was just trying to offer the OP some perspective.

Faerie

I love this thread! I thought I was the only one who felt like this. My story is a little different in the fact he DID propose but changed his mind later. We've been together 5 years now, we went to uni together and have lived together for 4 years. He is my best friend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

He proposed out of the blue 2 years ago, I thought it would never happen, like most of you big events passed by and still no proposal. I had really built my hopes up on a holiday to Paris months earlier but no proposal again. So for him to propose was a big shock! We talked about ideas for the wedding, I bought my dress - custom made from Dolly Couture, he even asked his cousin to be his best man. Although we spoke about the wedding nothing moved forward, no dates were set, nothing was booked. Whenever I brought it up he would say I was being silly and of course he wanted to marry me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He would make plans again but nothing would come of them. Finally in July last year he admitted that he didn't want to marry me...yet. After a big discussion I gave him the ring back, in my mind we aren't engaged if he doesn't want to get married! I have told him to give me the ring back when he actually wants to marry me.

Over the last few months I have been so confused. I know he loves me but why doesn't he love me enough to marry me? Why propose in the first place?! I have sold my dress and deleted all wedding bookmarks. I have only just told my mum that I'm not getting married anymore. My friends and work still don't know. They keep asking me my plans and I have to lie and say we're saving up or that theres no rush. I don't want to feel their pity or feel like a failure again.

I've been so close to leaving him, I almost did over New Years. We never argue, I know he's not cheating, I know he loves me but I still don't understand his reasoning! He says he wants to be with me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants children with me and he does want to marry me, but it's all 'some day, eventually.' It is so annoying! His reluctance has made me question him. I want him to want to be excited to be with me, make me his wife. I get jealous of other people moving on with their lives, getting engaged and planning weddings, having children etc. I've even deleted my facebook because I was getting upset seeing everybody posting good news.

I've questioned whether I want to be with him or whether I just want to be married. I want to be married to HIM. I love HIM. He tells me he wants the same things as I do but how can I trust him? How long do I wait? I've told him that he must tell me if he doesn't want to be with me or doesn't want children etc so that I can try to find somebody else. Adeles song 'Someone like you' makes me cry, that's how I feel at the moment!

The ring is in his desk drawer and I'm still stupidly hoping for it back. I was so sure I'd get it back at Christmas and then again for New Years. I was also convinced I'd get it back on Valentines or even on the 20th (the date he originally proposed) It's hard to describe why I even want the ring back. Sometimes I'm not sure I even want to marry him anymore! I've tried explaining to my mum but she never gives me her honest opinion, she just tells me she'll support me in whatever I decide. It's nice of her to say that but how do I decide?

74jax

Faerie wrote: »

I love this thread! I thought I was the only one who felt like this. My story is a little different in the fact he DID propose but changed his mind later. We've been together 5 years now, we went to uni together and have lived together for 4 years. He is my best friend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

He proposed out of the blue 2 years ago, I thought it would never happen, like most of you big events passed by and still no proposal. I had really built my hopes up on a holiday to Paris months earlier but no proposal again. So for him to propose was a big shock! We talked about ideas for the wedding, I bought my dress - custom made from Dolly Couture, he even asked his cousin to be his best man. Although we spoke about the wedding nothing moved forward, no dates were set, nothing was booked. Whenever I brought it up he would say I was being silly and of course he wanted to marry me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He would make plans again but nothing would come of them. Finally in July last year he admitted that he didn't want to marry me...yet. After a big discussion I gave him the ring back, in my mind we aren't engaged if he doesn't want to get married! I have told him to give me the ring back when he actually wants to marry me.

Over the last few months I have been so confused. I know he loves me but why doesn't he love me enough to marry me? Why propose in the first place?! I have sold my dress and deleted all wedding bookmarks. I have only just told my mum that I'm not getting married anymore. My friends and work still don't know. They keep asking me my plans and I have to lie and say we're saving up or that theres no rush. I don't want to feel their pity or feel like a failure again.

I've been so close to leaving him, I almost did over New Years. We never argue, I know he's not cheating, I know he loves me but I still don't understand his reasoning! He says he wants to be with me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants children with me and he does want to marry me, but it's all 'some day, eventually.' It is so annoying! His reluctance has made me question him. I want him to want to be excited to be with me, make me his wife. I get jealous of other people moving on with their lives, getting engaged and planning weddings, having children etc. I've even deleted my facebook because I was getting upset seeing everybody posting good news.

I've questioned whether I want to be with him or whether I just want to be married. I want to be married to HIM. I love HIM. He tells me he wants the same things as I do but how can I trust him? How long do I wait? I've told him that he must tell me if he doesn't want to be with me or doesn't want children etc so that I can try to find somebody else. Adeles song 'Someone like you' makes me cry, that's how I feel at the moment!

The ring is in his desk drawer and I'm still stupidly hoping for it back. I was so sure I'd get it back at Christmas and then again for New Years. I was also convinced I'd get it back on Valentines or even on the 20th (the date he originally proposed) It's hard to describe why I even want the ring back. Sometimes I'm not sure I even want to marry him anymore! I've tried explaining to my mum but she never gives me her honest opinion, she just tells me she'll support me in whatever I decide. It's nice of her to say that but how do I decide?

Oh my word, well that's a first for this thread.

You are so very very patient and my heart goes out to.

I have no idea how long you wait or what to say really.

Have you brought it up, what on earth did he say when you gave the ring back, has he given any indication on timings?

eleanor73

Faerie wrote: »

I love this thread! I thought I was the only one who felt like this. My story is a little different in the fact he DID propose but changed his mind later. We've been together 5 years now, we went to uni together and have lived together for 4 years. He is my best friend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

He proposed out of the blue 2 years ago, I thought it would never happen, like most of you big events passed by and still no proposal. I had really built my hopes up on a holiday to Paris months earlier but no proposal again. So for him to propose was a big shock! We talked about ideas for the wedding, I bought my dress - custom made from Dolly Couture, he even asked his cousin to be his best man. Although we spoke about the wedding nothing moved forward, no dates were set, nothing was booked. Whenever I brought it up he would say I was being silly and of course he wanted to marry me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He would make plans again but nothing would come of them. Finally in July last year he admitted that he didn't want to marry me...yet. After a big discussion I gave him the ring back, in my mind we aren't engaged if he doesn't want to get married! I have told him to give me the ring back when he actually wants to marry me.

Over the last few months I have been so confused. I know he loves me but why doesn't he love me enough to marry me? Why propose in the first place?! I have sold my dress and deleted all wedding bookmarks. I have only just told my mum that I'm not getting married anymore. My friends and work still don't know. They keep asking me my plans and I have to lie and say we're saving up or that theres no rush. I don't want to feel their pity or feel like a failure again.

I've been so close to leaving him, I almost did over New Years. We never argue, I know he's not cheating, I know he loves me but I still don't understand his reasoning! He says he wants to be with me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants children with me and he does want to marry me, but it's all 'some day, eventually.' It is so annoying! His reluctance has made me question him. I want him to want to be excited to be with me, make me his wife. I get jealous of other people moving on with their lives, getting engaged and planning weddings, having children etc. I've even deleted my facebook because I was getting upset seeing everybody posting good news.

I've questioned whether I want to be with him or whether I just want to be married. I want to be married to HIM. I love HIM. He tells me he wants the same things as I do but how can I trust him? How long do I wait? I've told him that he must tell me if he doesn't want to be with me or doesn't want children etc so that I can try to find somebody else. Adeles song 'Someone like you' makes me cry, that's how I feel at the moment!

The ring is in his desk drawer and I'm still stupidly hoping for it back. I was so sure I'd get it back at Christmas and then again for New Years. I was also convinced I'd get it back on Valentines or even on the 20th (the date he originally proposed) It's hard to describe why I even want the ring back. Sometimes I'm not sure I even want to marry him anymore! I've tried explaining to my mum but she never gives me her honest opinion, she just tells me she'll support me in whatever I decide. It's nice of her to say that but how do I decide?

My heart goes out to you. I have no real advice as only you know what you want to do/can do and even though it may feel unclear now I reckon it will all become clear at some point soon.

But if you did want advice/opinions here's mine:

You may want to think about

-whether you can forgive him for giving you your dream then taking it away and....

...if you can....

-you may want to think about timescales and how long you are willing to wait until you decide to move on or...

-if you would wait forever because you would rather stay with him unmarried rather than not be with him at all?

I am also interested in what he said when you gave him the ring back?

Big hugs

AllyS

verandi wrote: »

Reading from phone but just had to say, that is clearly Ally-speak for "the mate is well fit" :rotfl:

Omg no! Haha. He is a lot and I mean a lot older. Nah he loved my OH ex wife and hated the fact that got divorced

squ1rrel5

Gosh Faerie, what a shocker! I dont know what to say apart from to offer hugs and I hope he changes his mind soon (if you want him to that is!).

squ1rrel5

jtr2803 wrote: »

Thank you all for your kind words.

Without trying to me melodramatic I was on the edge of having a psychotic episode last night, I felt like I was really on the edge due to a number of issues that separately I could cope with but putting them all together was making me quite ill . I know I should probably talk to OH but he is feeling very anxious at the moment about lots of stuff going on at work so I don't think it's fair to dump it all on him.

Part of it was due to a facebook announcement (bloody facebook!). I had a group of friends about 7/8 years ago when I was with my ex and all of them now are in committed relationships (either married or have children or both) and then I had another group of friends from about 4/5 years ago and out of all of them there was one couple, who have been together the same amount of time as me and OH, who were yet to commit and I always knew that when they did I would literally feel like the last one.......last night they announced they are expecting a baby in September, so it really is just me that is a long term relationship with no commitment (and they are 5 years younger than me).

I've watched people meet, get engaged and marry since OH and I got together and some of these people seem to have rocky relationships whereas OH and I have never had a full blown argument, we don't fight or stress each other out (apart from this) and I just don't get it.........

It's hard isnt it - I never used to feel like this when my friends made announcements - i was only ever thrilled. Now I am thrilled and jealous at the same time and its not a nice feeling to have...

Big hugs xx

p00pieb0tt0m

Little re-cap. Been together 10 years now, lived with him at my Mums for many years, bought house together and moved in, just the 2 of us May 2010. Had couple counselling last year, as while my OH said he loved me(and I believed him), he was going to dump me. Managed to stay together and try do some things differently.

Part of the counselling was to talk more about feelings, etc. So, had a conversation Monday night. Started with ' What do you think about getting married next February?' He answered with 'Maybe' Turns out that he still loves me. I asked him if he wanted children, as he previously has said yes and no on different occasions. 'Yes' he said 'although I don't think I'd be very good'. Then I asked him if he wanted me to be the mother and he said 'no'. He told me that it was because I take over in situations and he believes I'd want my own way all the time. I think we make a brilliant team, I've agreed to try to be less forward. The thing is that he isn't, he doesn't plan. put ideas forward or decide things. If something needs a decision making he leaves it to me. I have to really push him for opinions.

Today, after much thinking, crying and some anger(privately) I decided and told him that I'd need a absolute decision in August as to whether we break up or get engaged.

He has hurt me very much by saying he doesn't see me as the mother of this childen, and although I've said until August I am finding it hard to be civil to him, and if I can't be then we might as well break up now.

Feeling like absolute carp. Thanks for reading, going to bed now.

Faerie

eleanor73 wrote: »

My heart goes out to you. I have no real advice as only you know what you want to do/can do and even though it may feel unclear now I reckon it will all become clear at some point soon.

But if you did want advice/opinions here's mine:

You may want to think about

-whether you can forgive him for giving you your dream then taking it away and.... I could understand if he said he was scared, or nervous. It's the not knowing the real reason is the problem. He still says he wants to marry me "one day". Why propose in the 1st place?! He confuses me by talking about future children, or buying a house, getting a cat etc. Again, it's all "one day.."

...if you can....

-you may want to think about timescales and how long you are willing to wait until you decide to move on or... I don't have a set timescale yet I know I can't wait another year like this. Everytime it doesn't happen is killing me.

-if you would wait forever because you would rather stay with him unmarried rather than not be with him at all? This is where I get confused. I love him, I know he loves me so why is there a problem? I think the ring (to me) represents that he WANTS to be with me and does want the same things as I do? Marriage won't really change our relationship, just how I feel about us. I think him proposing and backing out has made me insecure about our feelings and future.

I am also interested in what he said when you gave him the ring back? I told him that he should give it me back when he decides he wants to marry me. I said I was sick of him planning but not going through with the wedding, it's not fair on either of us. He said he DID want to marry me, just not yet. He still can't tell me when he wants to marry just that he does "eventually" How can he know he wants to marry me "one day" but not just yet? :mad:

Big hugs

It's strange because although I want the ring back, I'm worried that I have doubts about marrying him. Would it be the right thing to do?! Why do I even want to get married? We went to a restaurant last week and I was again convinced I'd get it back. I worked myself into such a tizz, I was so nervous. Then when it didn't happen I wanted to cry.

I've made more of an effort to do the things that I want to do. I'm losing weight, I'm being more social, I'm looking for a job in my hometown. He says he'll move with me but we'll see. What will be, will be!

Ps Getting rid of facebook was the best thing I've done in a long while. Blocking people didn't really help me, now it's gone I'm not even tempted to log in and snoop