Concern about my son

Person_one

sbcurran wrote: »

Yes there were rooms for each child in the marital home. It was agreed that I move out and I went to rented accommodation.

I see, are you in a financial position to contribute to increased rent/mortgage payments if she moves to a 3 bedroom house?

I can't think of any reason why a woman with two children would move from a 3 bed to a 2 bed unless it was due to financial issues, so there probably isn't very much she can do about it, no matter how much you complain.

peachyprice

sbcurran wrote: »

From what I've written it isn't that vague.

Yes, it is vague to an outsider.

Are you suggesting your ex wife has/is cultivating improper relationships with her children?

You can't seriously be suggesting your son is better off sharing with his 18yo step sister?

tattycath

If i've got the right end of the stick i believe the OP is concerned about separation issues-eg that the child becomes so emotionally attached to mum that he does not like to be left with anyone else-at all and all the social problems that go with it, furthermore that mum had this situation of separartion issues with the daughter years before. If i'm right i agree that long term this is not a healthy situation.


If i'm wrong...i'll get my coat..

sbcurran

happierdaystocome wrote: »

Although it is not an ideal situation if needs must I see issue why you Ex should not share with your son, This to my mind is much more appropriate that him sharing with his 18 year old sister.

You state that the reason SS where involved previously was that there was role reversal issues, which to me woud indicate that ex's daughter was taking on the role of carer for ex and I'm sure that SS would not have stopped working with your ex had they not felt that these issues had been addressed.

The daughter controlled the mother, resulting in non attendance at school among other things. SS intervened and removed the daughter as my ex wife was not assisting/following their advice. As well as having the lazy coffe table psychology reports, I arranged for attendance to a private psychologist to try and resolve the problem. One of the main reasons was down to seperation issues of the mother which escalated to SS intervention. I'm beginning to see those traits emerging with my son and wish to curb it without going anywhere near SS if possible.

sbcurran

tattycath wrote: »

If i've got the right end of the stick i believe the OP is concerned about separation issues-eg that the child becomes so emotionally attached to mum that he does not like to be left with anyone else-at all and all the social problems that go with it, furthermore that mum had this situation of separartion issues with the daughter years before. If i'm right i agree that long term this is not a healthy situation.


If i'm wrong...i'll get my coat..

Leave your coat on the hook

happierdaystocome

As you do not wish to get SS involved and are having no luck discussing the issues with EX, your other option is to seek legal advise regarding obtaining full custody of your son.

As an after thought I was wondering have you spoken to school or other professionals involved with your son regarding your concerns as they may be willing to talk to your ex, as though if I remember rightly children are supposed to be in their own room or sharing with siblings by 11, School nurse would probably recommend that a child should be sleeping in a separate room at a much earlier age.

inspirespirit

ok. This is now easier to understand. If you genuinely believe the same thing is happening to your son, then I would seriously think about going for full custody. I can understand why you don't want SS involved in case your son gets taken away too.

Another idea. Could you insentivise the older girl to maybe get a flat of her own. If you are able, tell her if she finds a job, you will put down the deposit for a little flat of her own. If she isn't working or at College, then she needs some kind of motivation to do something. This way, if she moves out, your son can have her room.
There is more to it than just your son having his own room though. there may need to be some kind of psychiatric/psychological help for your ex wife to make her take on the mother role.

sbcurran

inspirespirit wrote: »

ok. This is now easier to understand. If you genuinely believe the same thing is happening to your son, then I would seriously think about going for full custody. I can understand why you don't want SS involved in case your son gets taken away too.

Another idea. Could you insentivise the older girl to maybe get a flat of her own. If you are able, tell her if she finds a job, you will put down the deposit for a little flat of her own. If she isn't working or at College, then she needs some kind of motivation to do something. This way, if she moves out, your son can have her room.
There is more to it than just your son having his own room though. there may need to be some kind of psychiatric/psychological help for your ex wife to make her take on the mother role.

Unfortunately I don't have the funds available but probably wouldn't provide if I could. She's not interested in doing anything, sadly. Years of trying...nothing ever good enough!

Rock and a hard place comes to mind. I want him to be with his mother but know that eventually some sort of intervention will be needed. I'd thought/hope a legal letter might incentivise the mother in dealing rather than revisiting the previous experience.

Person_one

inspirespirit wrote: »

ok. This is now easier to understand. If you genuinely believe the same thing is happening to your son, then I would seriously think about going for full custody. I can understand why you don't want SS involved in case your son gets taken away too.

Another idea. Could you insentivise the older girl to maybe get a flat of her own. If you are able, tell her if she finds a job, you will put down the deposit for a little flat of her own. If she isn't working or at College, then she needs some kind of motivation to do something. This way, if she moves out, your son can have her room.
There is more to it than just your son having his own room though. there may need to be some kind of psychiatric/psychological help for your ex wife to make her take on the mother role.

So an 18 year old has her former step dad lobbying to get her out of the house to make more room for her half brother? That sounds like a recipe for a happy family!

Its not ideal, but forcing any solution on the family unit from the outside is a bad idea, OP needs to offer support, not threaten.

If they are on a waiting list for council housing they would be allocated 3 bedrooms, but it may take a while for somewhere to become available, patience may be the answer rather than a custody battle.

With the government setting limits on the amount of LHA families can claim, this will probably happen a lot more, sadly.

tiamai_d

sbcurran wrote: »

Rock and a hard place comes to mind. I want him to be with his mother but know that eventually some sort of intervention will be needed. I'd thought/hope a legal letter might incentivise the mother in dealing rather than revisiting the previous experience.

So you are saying that you are worried about him being with his mother but still want him to be with his mother?

I really do not understand. If you are worried about him why would you want him there in a situation that you believe will cause problems later on?

And why do you think that him sleeping elsewhere within the same house will make things better?