Ex's wife smacked my son*UPDATE* and more advice needed

puddy

ive just read where you said that father has instructed his sons not to speak to GPs about anything?

there is work here that you will need to undo. he is instilling this dangerous information into your son's mind which could put him at risk in all sorts of situations.
the child will take notice of dad, even if he consciously says he knows he should tell people stuff and not keep secrets. whatever his faults your son will see his father as a role model and what he says will sink in.

if you could work with your ex to get him to undo some of these statements that would be really helpful.

pigpen

You have to sort this through the solicitor.. get in before he does!!!

Say DS is not wanting to go, she is physically and now verbally abusive.. it makes sense to me that she is only interested in her family.. DS is not her family and while she might not want anything bad to happen to him he is in fact a usurper into her life..

Your ex might not be able to win.. if he says he is spending time with the boys close to you she might kick off because he isn't home with her and the other 2 boys..

If she want to scream and sulk it is not DS's fault it is her stupidity and childishness.

Would DS be happy speaking to someone outside of the family to get his point across? I think it is CAFCASS they get to mediate and advocate on behalf of the child..

Is DS still happy to go?

puddy

it needs a cafcass report for sure, nothing like putting the issues in black and white with a clear assessment of risk to make parents sit up and think (hopefully)

3v3

sarluk wrote: »

...
I really feel hes not "allowed" to speak to me. Everytime i do it has to be when hes not at home and he always gets really defensive and always accuses me of having a go. Its just so hard to try and have a normal conversation with him and become impossible to sort anything out.

This isn't about you What does it matter whether he speaks to you or not? That is what solicitors/intermediaries are for.

To be blunt, I think his Dad, step-mother and you are all manipulating this boy and the situation to suit your own agendas and none of you are taking parental responsibility for a minor!

Your eldest son confided in you how his step-mother treated him; there was your first chance to sort this out. You claim he is still traumatised by the events and consequences years on. Now, you have your youngest son experiencing the same trauma ... and still you have drawn no boundaries or taken any action.

You all need to grow up, stop playing power games with one another and think about the child who, lets face it, *trusted* you with these episodes despite being told by his Dad to keep it quiet. Your son confided in you and trusted you. When he was smacked, you betrayed his trust and used it as an opportunity to "communicate" with his Dad (who accused you of having a go - which, to be honest, you were, and naturally so!)

His Dad and step-mother have been together for almost 10yrs, (longer than you and he were together?) have two children together, what on earth is her reason for being "insecure"? Unless, her insecurity comes from you and him "communicating" behind her back?

Sorry to be blunt, but the fact is, you need to move on with your life; and that includes becoming a responsible parent yourself (if your child confides in you ... you don't betray that trust by then approaching his Dad about it!)

If your son wants contact with his Dad, and the environment that it currently takes place in is not suitable, then perhaps he can email his Dad on the email address you use for him? If his father won't compromise on visits and doesn't want an email communication that is *his* choice! He's not the only one with choices here.

Clearly your son does confide in you and it would appear that you are very fortunate that he is able to express his feelings to you, openly and freely; that won't last much longer, not if I know teen boys!

Dad says he's bound by what his wife says; you say you're bound by what your Ex says ... but you have free will, a mind of your own and the physical, emotional, moral and psychological responsiblity and welfare of two very young men on your hands! They come first Not you, not your ex and certainly not their step-mother.

Use that open communication that you now currently have the priviledge of with your 12yo to explain that what is happening is dysfunctional (at best!) and abusive at worst. Explain to him that, as the grown up, you cannot sit idle and permit this behaviour to continue and you are going to have to take a firm stand even though you are fully aware that it may mean that his Dad will not compromise on visits.

Yes, it will be tough; yes, it takes courage; and yes, I've been very blunt. But, what's the alternative? Do you really want a second child traumatised "for years" after? Parenting can be very tough, particularly if the decisions we make may cause upset in the short term .. better that than trauma in the longer term!

Someone said earlier that the Dad needs to grow 'some' ... it ain't gonna happen ... *you* need to 'grow some'

If it's too much to tackle on your own, maybe you should seek the advice of the C.A.B/solicitor/visit your GP?

Good luck.

Make-it-3

OP, I think you are trying to hold back and do what is right in a very difficult situation, but are running out of options. It's obvious that your ex's new wife is winning the battle at the moment and unless you have a very stubborn and worldly wise DS2 who is able to manage a manipulating step mum, a wimp of a dad and an uncomfortable situation every weekend then eventually things can only go the same way they have with DS1. However, you don't know the lengths this woman will go to to get your child out of their lives and do you want to subject DS2 to that kind of abuse whenever he visits?

If the father is too spineless to stand up to his wife and meet your sons "off site" at least once in a while then the only solution I can see is you try to enforce that situation through a solicitor - which may or may not work either. If regular contact can't be maintained that doesn't cause emotional/physical harm to your sons then they are better off not seeing him. Maybe one day he will come to his senses and regret the way he's behaved.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Smacking someone else's child is not on.

My ex told me that his girlfriend had been regularly attacked by her XH because her son would tell his father that Mummy had hit him and how she had little confidence, blah, blah, blah (like I cared, but at least he was trying to communicate). Less than six months later and DD came home with grip bruises around her wrists, crying that she had grabbed her and shouted at her and threatened her. He ignored my rather cross but restrained text. The following weekend she went there, on return I pulled up her sleeves in front of him. There were new bruises and DD tearfully said that she had done them to her for spilling her Cheerios on the floor when he was at work.

He went a funny grey colour and said he would 'sort it', just before he drove off at high speed.

I heard back that his 'sorting it' was something along the lines of hissing that he had seen her bruises and 'If you lay one finger on my daughter again, you won't have me to worry about - I will just go and pick up her mother and let her deal with you'.

I'm not saying that this was the right way to deal with the situation, but my ex is a complete KH and even he would stick up for his child's safety above his OH's feelings.

This person is not worth forcing the poor boy to go there. If his father was worth the effort, he would come and see his son whatever someone else said (seeing as I had the joys of my boyfriend AND my ex on Christmas morning, I am allowed to say such things, especially as he started the day having had a row with someone, judging by the mood he was in at first).

If he starts on the 'but you're forcing me to choose between my OH and my son' then the simple reply is 'yes, and it seems to me that refusing to see him means you're choosing her over him just like you did with our eldest'. Sometimes stating the truth can shock someone into the realisation of what they are doing.

Mojisola

sarluk wrote: »

Ds2 has had enough. He wants to see his dad and half brothers but not her. Im obviously livid and very upset. I am disgusted that his dad made him apologise, in effect for her hitting him then him telling me. It makes no sense She should be apologising to ds2. Im livid that my son has been treated like this. Its the EXACT same way my ds1 was treated before he decided to no longer go there.

I just dont know how to go about making sure she does not see or come into contact with him again. Ds2 really wants to see his dad...but so did ds1 when this was happening to him but dad refused to come and see him and told him" you want to see me you come here"(where she is). Ds1 wouldnt and is so angry towards his dad and it is still affecting him now 5 years later.

As others have said - if your ex won't voluntarily see your son away from this woman, get it sorted through a solicitor.

The saying - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" - comes to mind. Your older son has been through this and is still affected by the experience. If you allow it to happen to your younger son, you have to take responsibility for that.

Lunar_Eclipse

3v3 wrote: »

This isn't about you What does it matter whether he speaks to you or not? That is what solicitors/intermediaries are for.

To be blunt, I think his Dad, step-mother and you are all manipulating this boy and the situation to suit your own agendas and none of you are taking parental responsibility for a minor!

Your eldest son confided in you how his step-mother treated him; there was your first chance to sort this out. You claim he is still traumatised by the events and consequences years on. Now, you have your youngest son experiencing the same trauma ... and still you have drawn no boundaries or taken any action.

You all need to grow up, stop playing power games with one another and think about the child who, lets face it, *trusted* you with these episodes despite being told by his Dad to keep it quiet. Your son confided in you and trusted you. When he was smacked, you betrayed his trust and used it as an opportunity to "communicate" with his Dad (who accused you of having a go - which, to be honest, you were, and naturally so!)

His Dad and step-mother have been together for almost 10yrs, (longer than you and he were together?) have two children together, what on earth is her reason for being "insecure"? Unless, her insecurity comes from you and him "communicating" behind her back?

Sorry to be blunt, but the fact is, you need to move on with your life; and that includes becoming a responsible parent yourself (if your child confides in you ... you don't betray that trust by then approaching his Dad about it!)

If your son wants contact with his Dad, and the environment that it currently takes place in is not suitable, then perhaps he can email his Dad on the email address you use for him? If his father won't compromise on visits and doesn't want an email communication that is *his* choice! He's not the only one with choices here.

Clearly your son does confide in you and it would appear that you are very fortunate that he is able to express his feelings to you, openly and freely; that won't last much longer, not if I know teen boys!

Dad says he's bound by what his wife says; you say you're bound by what your Ex says ... but you have free will, a mind of your own and the physical, emotional, moral and psychological responsiblity and welfare of two very young men on your hands! They come first Not you, not your ex and certainly not their step-mother.

Use that open communication that you now currently have the priviledge of with your 12yo to explain that what is happening is dysfunctional (at best!) and abusive at worst. Explain to him that, as the grown up, you cannot sit idle and permit this behaviour to continue and you are going to have to take a firm stand even though you are fully aware that it may mean that his Dad will not compromise on visits.

Yes, it will be tough; yes, it takes courage; and yes, I've been very blunt. But, what's the alternative? Do you really want a second child traumatised "for years" after? Parenting can be very tough, particularly if the decisions we make may cause upset in the short term .. better that than trauma in the longer term!

Someone said earlier that the Dad needs to grow 'some' ... it ain't gonna happen ... *you* need to 'grow some'

If it's too much to tackle on your own, maybe you should seek the advice of the C.A.B/solicitor/visit your GP?

Good luck.

Second this ^^^ .

I would not let this situation continue any longer and would take action in the best interests of my son. His physical safety, emotional wellbeing and mental health would have to come before his (natural) desire to see his dad.

You know what you have to do so I encourage you to get on with it. I'm quite sure your son will be thankful one day, if not in the immediate short term when he may not see his immature father for a while.

sarluk

3v3...I know this isnt about me ive never once suggested it is. I dont care about him speaking to me i made that comment as i was trying to point out its almost impossible to sort anything out about the situation if he's not adult enough to talk about it.


I am in no way manipulating my son for my own agenda because i dont have an agenda. Unless you class me wanting my son to happy an agenda?


I did sort it out when my eldest son went through this and btw i never once said he was "tramatised" by it as you said ive claimed to have said. I actually said it still bothers him now because he doesnt have a relationship with his dad.

I dont get why you think im playing power games as this genuinely isnt the case. How have i betrayed my sons trust? He asked me to talk to his dad and tell him that he doesnt want to go anymore and tell him the reason why.

You say i need to move on with my life, become a responsible parent and stop betraying my son.

I actually have thanks ive been with my oh for 9 years and we have a happy life. If i wasnt a responsible parent i would of told my son to shut up and put up and tell him its acceptable for him to be smacked!Again i havent betrayed him he asked me to approach his dad with it.

thanks for the reply anyway!:D

3v3

'm not going to point out the obvious about the agendas and power games being played by the three of you, but I will not ignore the naivety of the comment

sarluk wrote:

3v3...
i never once said he was "tramatised" by it as you said ive claimed to have said. I actually said it still bothers him now because he doesnt have a relationship with his dad ...

Perhaps your interpretation of "traumatised" differs from the definition? What your post originally said was:

sarluk wrote:

... Ds1 wouldnt and is so angry towards his dad and it is still affecting him now 5 years later ...

but, you now amend that to it "bothers" him (still). If you truly believe that doesn't leave a psychological impact on a child ... ?

I wish you and your sons well in life and hope you find the answers you hope for.