Ex's wife smacked my son*UPDATE* and more advice needed

sarluk

A few ppl have asked about mediation have suggested this many times but its a no go he wont entertain the idea at all.

When we seperated(almost 11 years ago now) it was actually quite amicable. He had the boys approx 10 nights a month(he has ds2 4 times a month now) and often would come in and have a cuppa and chat with me when he brought them home and now and then would come and stay for a meal. The problems only really started after he got with her, about a yr after we split.

He would drop boys off start to stay for a cuppa and she would always be on the phone within mins asking where he is and why wasnt he back yet ect... it really started to go down hill from there. we used to meet at parents eve and things like that to both be there for boys but that stopped almost within weeks of them being together, he stopped having anything to do with their schooling and dropped 6 nights a month seeing them.

I really feel hes not "allowed" to speak to me. Everytime i do it has to be when hes not at home and he always gets really defensive and always accuses me of having a go. Its just so hard to try and have a normal conversation with him and become impossible to sort anything out.

sassyblue

sarluk wrote: »

Hi all,

thanks for replies.

He wont take my son out on his own without her because she wont let him and i think he just cant be doing with her having a go at him. He told ds2 on way home on sunday that he wasnt to tell me anything that had happened or been said this weekend as i would probably have a go at him(dad) like i did before(over smacking incident) and it would upset him. How pathetic! He always uses emotional blackmail on sons and always towards me when we were together and still tries sometimes now. He told ds 1 when he was going through it that if he didnt come to his house he wouldnt see his brothers anymore. He also stopped buying him things and started going overboard buying ds2 things and said to ds1...Have you seen how much stuff your brothers had..well if you start coming back to mine i'll buy you loads too!

The bit in bold is not emotional blackmail. That is what ABUSERS tell their victims to keep them quiet so the abuse can continue. :mad:

No way would l let my kids in their house again, your ex can come to his kids from now on and if needs be send a solicitors letter to outline everything including the smack and what he's witnessed and been told.

That witch would have had a slap from me after she hit your son, she obviously has mental health issues, please don't let your sons be her victims .

FunnySaving

I have to say, I agree that nobody should tell their children to keep information from their parents - it's one of the classic ways abusers keep their victims quiet, but it also teaches children to get used to long-term lying. If his dad lies to keep the peace then he will learn that that's an acceptable way to run his life, even if he is subconsciously unaware that this is happening.

Ames

Is it possible that the dad is suffering domestic abuse? It does sound like it - he's not allowed to see his kids anywhere else, she's controlling where he goes and who he sees.

DV from women to men does happen, and I think this is a pretty classic case. Just switch the genders and it becomes pretty obvious.

shellsuit

He needs to grow a pair of balls and tell his wife to keep her snout out.

Why is he letting her bully him into driving a wedge between him and his children?

Ames

shellsuit wrote: »

He needs to grow a pair of balls and tell his wife to keep her snout out.

Why is he letting her bully him into driving a wedge between him and his children?

Why do abused women let their partners bully them into things they don't want to do?

I really do think that the ex is as much a victim here, and asking his son not to tell anyone what's gone on is a strong symptom of it - don't tell your mum because my wife will hurt me if you do.

his_wife

sarluk, i think your married to my ex, and his wife is my exes wife!!!!

I have four children with my ex, we have been split for 9 years now,,, at first he seen children once a month, then basically it dwindled to the point where i took my ex to court to demand regular access, basically i got a letter thru the court, he never attended, stating he would see them on his terms or not at all... foolish me agreed to that... he can go two or three yrs without contact. his choice.l

His wife, has basically told him, me and our kids, that she wanted him minus his kids, as they would disrupt her family!!! he was fine with that. her kids will always come first, (fair enough) but why should his own kids loose out! She will not allow him any further than my garden gate, he can only call the kids, (on the rare occassion he does) in front of her and can only speak for ten mins each!!! and under no circumstance is he allowed to have children on his own without her being there.

To be honest, my heart breaks for the children, especially your son, as the new wives seem to appear very jealous and highly insecure.

For what its worth, only one of my children bother with their dad now, but she is only 11. eventually the kids will see their dad for what they are, and that will be his loss and not theirs.

I hope you find a solution for your son, not that i did for my kids, they formed their own once they reached a suitable age. Good luck

meritaten

I really dont understand why you have a problem OP - I remember your previous thread very well - this stepmother just hits out - not only at your child but her own, yes?
why on earth are you dithering now? you should be making clear to your ex that while HE is welcome to see the boys - she isnt! simple. then you console your boys as dad will obviously not see them as he is totally under this womans thumb! but is that a bad thing? do you really think that a man who can put this woman above his sons wellbeing is a good person to have around them? I dont. Put this firmly in his court hun. He wants to see the boys - its in neutral territory and superwitch isnt around. seeing him in this context is doing far more harm than not seeing him at all - the boys are not learning positive parenting from him are they?

Valli

sarluk wrote: »

Hi all,

thanks for replies.

He wont take my son out on his own without her because she wont let him

because she is insecure...so she is manipulating her husband (and their dad) just like my father's second wife did.

Result - I had no real relationship with my father. His loss. I have a half brother and half sister I never see and we might as well be strangers.


No advice - your sons will make up their own mind about their dad...as long as YOU don't FORCE them to go there they will be fine.

puddy

when looking at the child's welfare (not the legal perspective or your feelings about it) the smack is not really the issue here (i dont agree with smacking but if it really was just a smack, this is legal and allowed to your own child)

the issue is the way her and more importantly his father have reacted to the disclosure of that. that gives a very dangerous message, when things happen to you, dont tell your mum

secondly it is emotionally abusive to have to witness parents shouting and screaming at each other such as happens when he visits dad. ignoring a child and rejecting them is emotional abuse.

she is right to discipline him when she is partly caring for him in her home (along with your ex) but she does not have the right to smack him as he is not her son and she does not have pr for him.

she obviously has difficulty with understanding childrens needs and how to discipline effectively without resorting to emotional abuse and smacking (which i do not believe it but accept that its legal within particular parameters)

is there no communication between you and ex or do you think you would be better off going to court?