Ex's wife smacked my son*UPDATE* and more advice needed

themull1

I can't understand if your ex can see the way she is behaving, why he just doesn't take his son out for the day? seems a bit strange how he lets her get away with it, he needs to stand up to her. I feel sorry for your son, it will eventually stop him visiting, which is sad. I wonder why your ex doesn't want to spend any alone time, just him and his son?

Jinx

I wouldnt let my child go to that house. I would tell my ex that he has to collect the child and take him out then return him or take him to the grandparents or visit at your home. The exs wife is stropping about sulking because she she is not getting her way in her own house. The fact your ex is arguing with her means he knows that she is being ridiculous. Poor child, I hope you resolve.

CH27

Your poor poor son.

Could arrange for his to see his Dad at his grandparent's house?
Are you on good terms with ex's parents?

RadoJo

It sounds as though your ex is only just realising the depths of what he has got himself into with his wife, and rather than risk another failed marriage, he has chosen the easier option of placating his wife. Realistically, I suppose if it came down to an ultimatum he would be conscious of the way his wife treats your kids and worry about his chances of having a relationship with any of his children if he doesn't submit to her will. It's no way to live, and doesn't help your son, but if he's prepared to sacrifice your son's happiness to avoid rocking the boat, then there's precious little anyone can do about it.

Are you on civil enough terms with your ex to suggest mediation or even joint counselling with your son? You can't do anything about his relationship with his wife, but you might be able to salvage something of the relationship with your son. If he won't consider it then it's going to be tough, as you're going to have to let your son decide what he wants to do and be there for him, if he does continue to see his dad, to ensure that his confidence isn't affected by the atmosphere at their house.

belfastgirl23

Clearly your son can't visit his father. In fact neither of your sons can.

Given this (and obviously depending on how you feel about your ex) what about offering to let him come and stay at yours and see his sons? I have to say I'd be tempted to do this for sheer badness if it was me and I could stick him at all she has created a situation where the kids can't go to him so the obvious and logical out come is for him to come to them.

Maybe that's really mean but I hate the idea of the kids losing out on their dad because she has effectively driven them away. Them not seeing him at all means she's won. And that really doesn't seem fair.

kassi

Hi I'm really sorry your son is having to go through this.
I had to deal with similar when my daughter was 5.
My ex met someone new and I encouraged him to see our daughter and when they moved in together she stayed over with them, this person had 2 older children from a previous relationship.
When my daughter was 5, her behaviour changed. She regressed at school and was difficult to manage. I went to the doctor who referred her to a counsellor or similar.
One morning my daughter got into my bed and told me what this person was doing to her!! It boiled down to physical abuse!! I rang SS and to be honest they were no help!!
Her father refused to believe his partner did these things but I told him that the only way he would see our daughter was if he took her out on his own and if I found out he had taken her to his home or near this woman then he would never see her again. He agreed to this and for a couple of years he saw her on a fairly regular basis. But as the years have passed -she's almost 19 now - the contact with her father dwindled away!! I think it is 3 or 4 years now since she has seen him.
So I think if you decide he has to see him away from his home then be prepared for their relationship to dwindle away!!
I'm not saying this is a bad thing because I feel if a father can choose someone over their child they're not much of a father!!!
I just wish I had gone to the police and not SS, as I'm still angry to this day that she got away with what she did to my Daughter!!
I wish you and your son well in whatever you decide to do, but your son's safety and well being has to come first, even if that means making tough decisions!! Take Care

snookey

Your the adult protect your son. Stop the visits. If this women is as vindictive as you say whats to stop her losing her temper again and doing seriouse harm to your son.
I personally think you have great restrain because Id have paid a visit to this woman by now.

Emmzi

I am dating a guy with a kid and when you begin that sort of relationship you know that they come as a package. I know more about lego than I ever cared to, but there you go :-) So I cannot understand this woman at all. Especially as she has kids of her own - yiu don't stop loving your old ones just cos you get a new one!

2 things I think need to happen.

Does DS have someone he can talk to about this who is not you or dad or one of your parents, so he does not feel he has to choose sides? School counsellor maybe? Who could help him write a letter to you and/ or his dad explaining what he would like to happen? If he is old enough to be stuck in an arguement he is old enough to make his own choice about his ideal situation.

Then, can you have a calm conversation with ex, about the contents of that letter? Ex is going to have some tough choices to make I feel, and you !!!!!ing about his missus will not make it any easier for him - and you do want to be reasonable for the sake of your son.

clearingout

just wanted to say you're not the only one to have to deal with this situation. My ex has a new partner (woman he left me for) and we have three young children (all under 7). She hates them. She smacks them, takes their toys off them, calls me dreadful names etc. etc. etc. It's all very unpleasant. I stopped contact on this basis - or rather, refused to allow it to continue until all three of us sat down with a mediator and discussed the issue (I accept my children may not be being very well behaved so may be I need to address that, for example, just as much as she needs to address her behaviour towards them) and some 6 months later, the children have spoken on the phone to their father once (on the eldest's birthday) and that's it - he has made no effort whatsoever to address the issue. They are devastated but at the same time, the relief they felt not being put through that week after week was blindingly obvious.

Some new partners just don't seem to be able to accept that the person they love has a past. And I agree, it's not the children they hate, it's the ex partner and the only way to get at the ex partner is through the children. It's all very screwed up! In my case, my ex left me for her - it says a lot, really, doesn't it?! And at the end of the day, her self esteem may be so low that she's prepared to accept a man she can never trust as a partner but mine isn't! Wouldn't touch him with the proverbial barge pole, she's welcome to him!

That a parent would put the new partner over their children is beyond me, but is seems to happen a lot. (((hugs)))). All you can do, I think, is support your son in his decisions and get him counselling support if he requires it.

sarluk

Hi all,

thanks for replies.

He wont take my son out on his own without her because she wont let him and i think he just cant be doing with her having a go at him. He told ds2 on way home on sunday that he wasnt to tell me anything that had happened or been said this weekend as i would probably have a go at him(dad) like i did before(over smacking incident) and it would upset him. How pathetic! He always uses emotional blackmail on sons and always towards me when we were together and still tries sometimes now. He told ds 1 when he was going through it that if he didnt come to his house he wouldnt see his brothers anymore. He also stopped buying him things and started going overboard buying ds2 things and said to ds1...Have you seen how much stuff your brothers had..well if you start coming back to mine i'll buy you loads too!

As someone asked about grandparents...they hardly see my ds's they only live 20-30 mins away but hardly bother they see boys approx every 3-4 months. Ex would never use them/their house as middle ground because he would never let them know what is going on. He goes out of his way to try make it look like everythings perfect in front of them. He tells my ds's under no circumstances are they to tell GPs anything he even still tells them they are not allowed to tell them he smokes, hes 37.:eek: