step daughter troubles

msb5262

Just wanted to add to the OP, if you do tell your wife, pick your time and place - make it a quiet time when you are not going to see your stepdaughter immediately, and if possible when your wife can't instantly ring or text her.

I know this sounds odd but so often as parents, we react instantly to things and then realise that a little thinking time would have gone a massively long way in improving the outcome.

HTH

MsB

j.e.j.

14 is young to be having a sexual relationship, but you know the people involved (we all don't!) Some people are very mature at a young age.

If her mother can be counted on to have a mature attitude to this then tell her. If you think it'll lead to her getting hysterical and shouting at her daughter then maybe leave things for the moment, as this won't help anyone.

If the Pill is taken properly (ie she doesn't forget to take it, or get drunk/end up being sick, etc etc) it's very unlikely she'll get pregnant..

However I can't help thinking if she's absent-minded enough to leave condom wrappers and pill packets around where her parents might come across them..

She either wants to provoke a reaction, or she's not very on the ball and genuinely didn't think about the likelihood of one of you finding it.

next_step

just to add answer some of the things people have said

flimsier wrote: »

A 14 year old being sexually active is a Child Protection issue though, and you and your wife should not only have a discussion about what she is doing, but also about how to keep her safe and onside. The damage she might be doing to herself isn't limited to the physical, pregnancy, or STIs.

This needs talk and conversations, not bottling up and being hidden.

Well my worry is the damage to the household if my wife does confront her and goes about it the wrong way, and my SD does end up needing us for anything but ends up feeling she cant approach us

abacus73 wrote: »

You could sit back and do nothing. Chances are that your step-daughter may end up telling your wife herself in a round-about way, by announcing she is pregnant. No contraception is 100% safe.

Putting the situation in that context, as someone who is a parent to this child, are you still happy that she is having sex at just 14?

I know no contraception is 100% which is why I am glad it appears she is using condoms and the pill, but yes that of course is a worry.
And no I am not totally happy she is having sex at 14 however it would be a little hypocritical to have a go because I lost my virginity at that age, and know there is very little you can do to stop someone of that age having sex if they want to have it

j.e.j. wrote: »

However I can't help thinking if she's absent-minded enough to leave condom wrappers and pill packets around where her parents might come across them..

She either wants to provoke a reaction, or she's not very on the ball and genuinely didn't think about the likelihood of one of you finding it.

To be honest I don’t think it is her being absent minded, 99% we leave her to tidy her room up I just happened to have been doing some decorating and spring cleaning lately and have used her room to store some things or use the bin when the others are full so that’s how I have come across these things

viktory

Must just be me...but I don't consider this a dilemma at all. Your step daughter hasn't confided in you and asked you to keep the information to yourself, has she? You have found some evidence that she is sexually active. Therefore, I think you should chat with your wife about it. There is more to safe sex than preventing pregnancies and if your step daughter is on the pill, chances are her beau is no longer using condoms. Your wife will probably appreciate being put in the picture so that she can talk to her daughter girl to girl. I know I would. This wouldn't be an issue in my house though.

fannyanna

I think the Mum should be told - although I would suggest you try and pick the right time.

Whilst 14 is young I think you should recognise the positives in that your step-daughter has been in a relationship with this boy for a period of time and is protecting herself against pregnancy and STD's.

Ultimately she's going to continue having sex (let's be realistic here she's not going to stop just because she's told to) - I'm not for one minute suggesting anyone condone it but maybe just be thankful that she's being sensible about it. A lot of "grown ups" aren't even as sensible as your 14 year old step-daughter is being.

Errata

Why not talk to your SD? Tell her you couldn't avoid seeing the evidence (and BTW she's old enough to dispose of any rubbish in her room herself). Tell her you don't think her mum thinks she's having hanky panky in her bedroom, but how does she think she and you will deal with fallout from her mum if mum finds the evidence.

hcb42

tell your wife

poorly_scammo

darlyd wrote: »

If I found out my husband knew all along and never told me, I would not be happy.

This is it in a nutshell. If you don't tell her your wife is going to wonder why and it'll create all sorts of problems.

As for your step-daughter reacting badly and subsequently refusing to inform you about life, well, that depends on how your wife react to the news and displays her feelings to her daughter.

flimsier

next_step wrote: »

Well my worry is the damage to the household if my wife does confront her and goes about it the wrong way, and my SD does end up needing us for anything but ends up feeling she cant approach us

I recognise that, but surely your relationship with her is strong enough (I realise I'm assuming quite a few things here) for you to express that concern to her, and for you both to agree a way forward. Together, you may even think of a better way to address this than either of you can on your own.

paulsad

Definately tell her and all have a good talk about it when she's had time to take it in - glad noone has (so far) come on acting all disgusted and high and mighty. We were all young once and as we all know times have changed - some people harp on back to "the old days" - I always beg to differ - what the "good old days" when girls were made to feel like lepers if they fell pregnant. Usually its a lottery for all of us as teenagers (in my day the pill was only just starting to be used and many girls thought condoms were safer, the pill was for when you got really committed) and the best we can all do as responsible grown up parents is to let our kids know we are with them and have been through the same stages ourselves.