step daughter troubles

next_step

Hi, made a new account as my wife knows i use the site

Ok, so my Step Daughter is 14 and has been with her boyfriend for coming up to a year (he is also 14)

now i have recently found out, although have had my suspicions for a while, that she and her boyfriend are sexually active,

now it appears they are using condoms as i have come across some evidence such as little bits of condom wrapper, and my SD has gone on the pill as when i went in to empty her bin one day i spotted the box, so at least it appears that they are being safe.

my problem is that my wife does not know any of this, as she hasn't gone through our family doctor for the pill, as you need a lift to get there, and when the subject of sex has come up on occasion SD has venomously denied doing anything, which my wife seems to believe, although if it is just her really wanting to believe or actually believing, i am not totally sure.

now i know i should probably tell my wife since it is her daughter and shouldn't be kept in the dark. but unfortunately i expect she would confront my SD about it, which i think could cause some serious arguments and might make matters difficult in our house as SD usually tells us most other things that are happening in her life and her friends lives, and if confronted about this could start to make her stop talking to us about other things.

i know nothing we can do short of locking her up will stop her from carrying on, so i am just after some advice really, should i tell my wife about SD and hope that things don't blow out of all proportion. Or should i just keep quiet and be content in the knowledge that at least she is being safe. Or is there some other option that i am missing.

richardw

Does your wife have suspicions?

CH27

Tell your wife.

next_step

she has had the odd one that i know of but she seem to either want to believe SD when she says she hasn't done anything, or she genuinely does believe her,

Darlyd

I need to tell you from a girls point of view (I am now in my 30s).

My parents were totaly different when it came to me being sexually active when I was a young teen. I was naughty and never used contraception, and fell pregnant at 15. I told my Dad first as I was a daddies girl, even though he worked away a lot, I just knew my Dad would of been the most understanding one, he quiet, gentle and a good man, my Mum was a bit more rough with us, but used to let us get away with anything etc, But I just knew she would freak out. My Dad was lovely, he told me to tell my mum but be prepared for her to freak out, I told my Mum and she Did indeed freak the heck out, my Dad actually told me to go to my aunties for my mum to calm down (she was going to smack me), It all calmed down in the end, sadly I miscarried.

Now as a Mother myself, and my DD who is 12, my husband is her step Dad, IF he knew she was sexually active, and told me, I would not say nothing to my DD that I knew, as long as she was using precautions, I would sit her down and tell her about my past, but not mention I knew she was active, would not want to embarrass her. By all means if she was active at 12 I would lock her in her room, and not let her out till she was 16. BUT If I found out my husband knew all along and never told me, I would not be happy.

Only you know the way your wife will react. Would you be able to tell her, and get her to promise she won't say she knew to SD ? Or would she go off on one without you finishing the conversation?

Like you said, she is going to do it anyway.

msb5262

Hi OP,

Dilemma...

For what it's worth I think you should decide you don't know this at all at the moment.

It's your stepdaughter's business, and she appears to have made some good decisions (although I don't think sexual activity at 14 is a good move, apart from being against the law).

You think your wife will confront her daughter, which won't improve the situation, and if/when it becomes clear that you have passed the information on to your wife, your stepdaughter will lose all trust in you.

Your wife will probably put pressure on her DD to stop having sex, but if she is already having sex there is no particular point.

The important part is that these young people are having SAFE sex and have clearly thought about possible consequences. That is a tribute to their maturity, although most of us would think they are too young anyway.

Think ahead to all the possible scenarios. Could you tell your wife on the basis that she promises not even to mention it to her daughter until a week has passed, to give her time to calm down? She is bound to be upset and worried, and it's at those times that we as parents really put our feet in it.

Let us know what you decide. I don't envy your position but at least you're able to say, "They're being safe," and not, "She's pregnant," - be grateful for small mercies!

Best of luck with it

MsB

January20

Big dilemma indeed!

You say your sd usually tells you and your wife everything that happens in her life and her friend's life? So, she hasn't told either of you about this because she knows what her mum's reaction would be. So, if you told your wife, you would probably lose all trust from your sd, as well as life in the family becoming very difficult. Telling your wife could have some far reaching repercussions/ consequences.

It's not like you sd told you she was having a sexual relationship. You deduced it from clues you found. Clues that shows that although too young, she is actually being careful. What have you got to gain as a family from telling your wife?

make_me_wise

Even using the contraception that they are doesn't completely protect them from the risk of pregnancy. Accidents happen. At 14 they would be way too young to handle that I would think.

You know your wife best. For your daughters sake I would mention this to her mum but discuss between you how you will handle things with your daughter. If your wife goes in all guns blazing then it could have horrible consequences for your relationship with her.

Maybe I am extremely naive but dont kids grow up way to quick nowadays.

Mrs_Arcanum

Next time you find the pill wrapper in the bin, pass the packet back to your SD with the words "I am pleased you are being sensible but don't you think you aught to tell your Mum". That way out is out of your hands & back in SD's.

flimsier

I think you should tell your wife, regardless of the reaction. It's a bit like a child protection disclosure at school (I'm a DHT) - you can't keep things confidential no matter how much you wish you could. Actually, that's not a great comparison, since it's more difficult with CP, and could be more serious.

A 14 year old being sexually active is a Child Protection issue though, and you and your wife should not only have a discussion about what she is doing, but also about how to keep her safe and onside. The damage she might be doing to herself isn't limited to the physical, pregnancy, or STIs.

This needs talk and conversations, not bottling up and being hidden.

abacus73

You could sit back and do nothing. Chances are that your step-daughter may end up telling your wife herself in a round-about way, by announcing she is pregnant. No contraception is 100% safe.

Putting the situation in that context, as someone who is a parent to this child, are you still happy that she is having sex at just 14?