Husband may get new job - why can't I be happy?

Person_one

onlyroz wrote: »

To pay the bills one or both parents need to be working (at home, or out, or otherwise) for at least 7 hours a day. If this man is at home, and is also meant to be "caring" for his wife and child(ren) then I don't see how he can get in 7 productive hours of work a day. End of.

Why a magical 7 hours? Some people earn enough that they can live off the proceeds of 3 or less hours of work each day.

LittleMissAspie

Person_one wrote: »

Why a magical 7 hours? Some people earn enough that they can live off the proceeds of 3 or less hours of work each day.

The higher paid the job, the longer the hours generally. Our director got in at 6am this morning and usually works at home every evening too. If you prorata'd his pay he could live comfortably on 3 hours a day but you don't get part time jobs at that level!

Person_one

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

The higher paid the job, the longer the hours generally. Our director got in at 6am this morning and usually works at home every evening too. If you prorata'd his pay he could live comfortably on 3 hours a day but you don't get part time jobs at that level!

It depends entirely on the OP's husband's line of work, which we don't know. Plenty of people manage on the proceeds of 'part time' hours.

lisaloo1977

Wow, it seems that every man or woman in the forces should be deemed a bad parent for daring to work away from home or more than 40 hours per week.

My father was in the RAF and he was and still is an amazing father, i never have and never will think any different.

As harsh as it sounds to say, the OP is being selfish and admits that herself. Yes she is pregnant now, yes it takes two people to make a baby and yes accidents do happen, but seriously given the situation they already found themselves in, why would you have another???

CRH71

onlyroz wrote: »

To pay the bills one or both parents need to be working (at home, or out, or otherwise) for at least 7 hours a day. If this man is at home, and is also meant to be "caring" for his wife and child(ren) then I don't see how he can get in 7 productive hours of work a day. End of.

I'd beg to disagree with this post. This is exactly my situation and I manage to put in 7 hours and more of "productive hours" a day - maybe not just during "conventional" office hours - when I go home to my caring duties half way through the day, I often carry on working beyond "normal" finish time to make up time that I have used during the afternoon whilst caring - but I might only sit down at "work" for 30-40 minutes, go off, deal with other's needs, and then come back to "work" for another 30-40 minutes.

The arrangements been in place now for a few months (done formally through my employer) and it has so far worked well for all of us involved and there have been no negative issues raised surrounding my work levels or quality, plus my wife and daughter have benefited enormously from having me at home in the afternoons.

Sure, our lifestyle isn't "luxurious" but it is perfectly adequate and we are able to keep our heads above water and keep food on the table. That's something to be grateful for these days.

Person_one

lisaloo1977 wrote: »

Wow, it seems that every man or woman in the forces should be deemed a bad parent for daring to work away from home or more than 40 hours per week.

My father was in the RAF and he was and still is an amazing father, i never have and never will think any different.

As harsh as it sounds to say, the OP is being selfish and admits that herself. Yes she is pregnant now, yes it takes two people to make a baby and yes accidents do happen, but seriously given the situation they already found themselves in, why would you have another???

Its tough for people in the forces to be good parents, they have to put in a lot more time and effort when they are home in order to make up for the time they are away.

I have a friend whose partner is in the army, they have children and its bloody hard work for her on her own, she's basically a single parent. Yes he visits weekends and has leave, but then they have to fit in couple time, family time, visits with extended family, DIY she can't do on her own etc etc.

He is a good dad, but I wouldn't have a child with someone serving in the forces for a million pounds.

lostinrates

we dn't have children. If we did I'd be alone with them 5 days a week. I have no doubt my husband would still be an amazing father. Both our families worked long hours, long periods away from home, both sets of parents were good, f different from how those who feel more face to face tie is necessary.

fwiw DH has also spent time as my carer (though we never thought of it that way) and we found that it was very hard for him to balance demands from work and my needs. I think it the ''issue'' might relate to the problem the op has....for us me not being so dependant on him has been better, and my health has coincidentally stabilised somewhat too.

I have found the ie we have apart each week, though hard, we miss each other, had been helpful in getting me independent and capable. That said poor dh has a stack of jobs when he gets home on Fridays.

lisaloo1977

You are of course 100% allowed to feel that way, what is right for one is not always right for another. I think the reason i responded (i never reply to these threads, i find them a possible nightmare waiting to happen if im honest) was because i needed to say that my dad was a fantastic dad, even whilst not always being around.

I am very lucky that my mum did not feel that way about having children, i would think my 3 brothers also share my happiness.
I love my dad very much and dont think he was a lesser dad because of his job, i would not swop him for the world. I think i am lucky in we have a very close family and so mum had support. Who knows in the quiet of the night when we were all tucked up in bed maybe she was lonely i dont know, but my parents have been married for 53 years and thats something to be proud of.

I think that with the OP its the situation and the knowing how life is already a struggle that gets me. If life is already difficult, why make it more so. Surely at some point the child they have would be of school age, if not already and then the issue of going out to work would not have been a problem.

onlyroz

Person_one wrote: »

Why a magical 7 hours? Some people earn enough that they can live off the proceeds of 3 or less hours of work each day.

Of course there are exceptions, but I think you'll find that most households need to do these sorts of hours to get by, unless they're content to live off the state.

I was told in no uncertain terms by my previous employer that I wasn't allowed to work from home whilst at the same time looking after my son. I am either working or I am caring - I can't realistically do both with my full attention.

Hagar_uk

I 100% agree talk to him, and be explict in what you need. I was in your husbands place 10 months ago. I took a new job on which was
long hours, then got a promotion which meant I was going to be away during the week as well. My other half said go for it, but did not really want me to. It built up resentment, satrted called her self really a single mother, I was never there, she saw started to resent me and our relationship broke down, when she started seeing an ex for support.

I wish she had told me that she needed me there, rather than being vague, to which i just buried my head in the sand.

roll on to now, we have split, she resents me for what I did not do to support her. And if I had the chance again, I would never have taken the promotion

Person_one wrote: »

12 hours a day 5 days a week?

That's not an ideal job for anyone with very young children, even less so if your partner needs a significant amount of support.

Is it possible for him to carry on as he is? If it is I really think he needs to put his family first for now and pursue his dream career once the children are a bit older, you know, like millions of women do!

Talk to him, you're in a partnership, he can't make huge decisions like this unilaterally when they have an impact on all four of you.