Husband may get new job - why can't I be happy?

summerday

Person_one wrote: »

He's already working, he works from home. Some people have assumed that they are living off mostly CA, but if as the OP states they are better off now than they would be on the wages from those long hours away, I think that's unlikely.

I keep suggesting that the OP and her husband take baby steps towards getting him into a job he likes rather than jumping in suddenly feet first against her wishes, but those bits of my post are getting ignored!

I guess I have made the assumption that they are currently living on benefits, and yes you are right perhaps I shouldn't have made that assumption. Maybe the OP could confirm?

In terms of getting hubby into a job he likes- well, I suppose I'm thinking of friends who are currently made redundant and jobseeking and who say how few jobs there are in their chosen fields and 'beggars can't be choosers'- and the OP said this particular job is one that hubby has done in the past and enjoyed. Also, I do partly wonder whether the OP (sorry to keep talking about you in the 3rd person, it would be good to see you post back and answer queries that have been raised ) has imagined the worst possible scenario in terms of the on-call work? My OH for eg has do do on-call some weekends, but only 1 in 4, also he works 12 hour days 5 days a week so it's just normal life for us... true, we don't have kids yet but his work situation won't change when we do.

Person_one

CH27 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish!

Why? If you don't see your children when they're awake how are you going to be a good parent? How are you going to get to know them, build a trusting and loving relationship?

If he committed each and every weekend to being the sole carer for the children then he could manage it, but do you see that happening when he's working 60 hours each week and is on call for an unknown percentage of weekends?

Person_one

summerday wrote: »

I guess I have made the assumption that they are currently living on benefits, and yes you are right perhaps I shouldn't have made that assumption. Maybe the OP could confirm?

In terms of getting hubby into a job he likes- well, I suppose I'm thinking of friends who are currently made redundant and jobseeking and who say how few jobs there are in their chosen fields and 'beggars can't be choosers'- and the OP said this particular job is one that hubby has done in the past and enjoyed. Also, I do partly wonder whether the OP (sorry to keep talking about you in the 3rd person, it would be good to see you post back and answer queries that have been raised ) has imagined the worst possible scenario in terms of the on-call work? My OH for eg has do do on-call some weekends, but only 1 in 4, also he works 12 hour days 5 days a week so it's just normal life for us... true, we don't have kids yet but his work situation won't change when we do.

Honestly, I wouldn't have children with someone who was in that situation and wasn't willing to change it. Who wants to be a married single parent? I know its a cliche, but children grow insanely fast, is there really a job that's worth missing out on so much of them?

shy-but-need-help

I think, OP, it depends entirely on what sense of "carer" he is- is he your carer due to physical disability & therefore claiming carers allowance to take on that role or is he your "carer" in a mental health capacity where he is registered as your carer/person of contac in relation to a mental health condition? When I read your post I assumed the latter, my DH is my "carer" due to my mental health issues (Bipolar) but there's no financial element to it (no DLA, no carers allowance) just purely the fact that as a registered mental health patient I have to have someone in this capacity (on a good day DH and I do joke about his capacity as my legal sane person!)

If I am right in my thinking (if I'm not ignore this entirely- just assumed there was a MH possibility as you don't state that physical help is needed from him) that he is your carer in a mental health term then I'd say possibily consider reapproaching your doctors & therapy team to help you access the services to help you feel more confident about coping with 2 kids (I have five and I cope quite well with medication, counselling and some major lifestyle overhauling & monitoring- I probably have to deal/do things differently to many people but it works well for us and takes alot of the burden off my DH as he only has to fill his carer capacity on genuinely bad days or highly manic phases- the rest of the time I can cope as well as anyone else)

I might be entirely off track here but I wanted to add this in as your initial post made me think it might be a non-physical disability/condition he's your carer for.

Getting the right help from other services would help you feel confident and able for him to move forward in his career and feel happier which will have a knock on effect for all of you.

picnmix

Person_one wrote: »

Does your husband work 12 hour days, 5 days a week and some (we don't know how many) weekends and holidays on call? That's a really really excessive work week for someone with small children.

Children can get used to almost anything, it doesn't mean its ideal and the OP's husband has a choice and wants to choose to be away from them that much, does that not make anyone else a little sad? Why can't he reach a compromise or just postpone his career plans until they're in school, as so many mothers do?

My situation is differant as I am not in need of a carer, but yes my husband does frequently work those hours, including weekends, and sometimes (horror of horror) away from home. My children have not "got used to" almost anything, they have a loving and caring mummy and daddy, they know they are loved and are well behaved confident children. I do not feel like a single parent as I have the love and support of my husband in bringing up our family.

We do not know this mans reasons for expressing interest in a change, maybe the financial situation at present is not as rosey as OP is thinking, maybe he does not want to be his partners carer, maybe, maybe.

Person_one

picnmix wrote: »

My situation is differant as I am not in need of a carer, but yes my husband does frequently work those hours, including weekends, and sometimes (horror of horror) away from home. My children have not "got used to" almost anything, they have a loving and caring mummy and daddy, they know they are loved and are well behaved confident children. I do not feel like a single parent as I have the love and support of my husband in bringing up our family.

We do not know this mans reasons for expressing interest in a change, maybe the financial situation at present is not as rosey as OP is thinking, maybe he does not want to be his partners carer, maybe, maybe.

Maybe caring for his wife and children isn't fun anymore and he wants rid of the responsibility.

I hope the OP comes back to clear some details up, there are at least a few supportive voices who can see where she's coming from.

Fuzzy_Duck

Person_one wrote: »

So just think how long you might be out of the house if you add a commute on either side of a 12 hour working day! I think 4 hour daily commutes are only really considered normal in the South East, too.

Comparing a dad who chooses to be away from his children most of the time with a dad who was sent away to WWII is so ridiculous I can't quite believe you went there.

I think the point being made was simply that being with your kids 24/7 isn't always realistic, and doesn't mean your dad loves you any less. My dad worked long hours when I was little because he cared about the job- if necessary he would work overtime to get things done. That doesn't make him a rubbish dad who didn't want anything to do with me, in fact it makes him an admirable man to balance his job with his children. Sure he may have not been there all the time, but he made up for the times he was.

Being with his small kids constantly would have driven him mad, same for my mum who couldn't wait to hand us over when he got home from work. Wanting the odd break from your little darlings doesn't make you a bad parent- you need some time off to recharge your batteries after all. I think that's the problem here. OP's husband, despite some man-hater-esque comments I have seen here, has been doing a grand job looking after his wife and child whilst working from home. I really don't see how he can be blamed for wanting some time to himself for once. I think in this case it would be best for OP to have a carer coming in and helping out, and perhaps someone to help with child care if that is going to be an issue. That way OP's husband could spend more time being her husband rather than the 24/7 care giver.

Fair enough with the suggestion that he get a job where he works only a few hours a day, but besides the cost issues involved it is very difficult to get a job these days if you're going to be picky about your work hours.

thorsoak

Person_one wrote: »

Why? If you don't see your children when they're awake how are you going to be a good parent? How are you going to get to know them, build a trusting and loving relationship?

If he committed each and every weekend to being the sole carer for the children then he could manage it, but do you see that happening when he's working 60 hours each week and is on call for an unknown percentage of weekends?

Do you seriously believe that all those fathers who have not spent 95% of their time with their children have not got to know them, have not built trusting and loving relationships?

What rubbish! It isn't the amount of time that you spend that matters, it is what is put into that time that matters!

The OP is worried because she is pregnant, has care needs, and is already the mother of one child. From what she posts her OH is her main carer but works at home as well - so how can you say that he is devoting the majority of his time to the children?

Of course the OP is worried - she has little confidence in her ability to cope - she should discuss this with her OH, to see what can be put in place to help her, to help the children, and to help the whole family benefit from her partner's work outside the home. Done carefully - with help from the professionals who may well be able to help or at the very least make valuable suggestions, the move of her OH into work outside the home may well prove to be a win-win situation all round.

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

Do you seriously believe that all those fathers who have not spent 95% of their time with their children have not got to know them, have not built trusting and loving relationships?

What rubbish! It isn't the amount of time that you spend that matters, it is what is put into that time that matters!

The OP is worried because she is pregnant, has care needs, and is already the mother of one child. From what she posts her OH is her main carer but works at home as well - so how can you say that he is devoting the majority of his time to the children?

Of course the OP is worried - she has little confidence in her ability to cope - she should discuss this with her OH, to see what can be put in place to help her, to help the children, and to help the whole family benefit from her partner's work outside the home. Done carefully - with help from the professionals who may well be able to help or at the very least make valuable suggestions, the move of her OH into work outside the home may well prove to be a win-win situation all round.

I don't why so many people are determined to misrepresent me. I've stated all along that a 40 hour standard week is enough time away from your family but can't be helped, 60 hours plus time on call is too much.

I do think amount of time matters actually, of course the quality of time spent is important but if the OP's husband is going to be out of the house from 7 til 9 every day (8-8 at work with say an hour's commute) when exactly is he going to be spending this quality time with his young children? Weekends? As long as he isn't on call or working?

If I had created little lives with someone who was around and sharing the care and then they wanted to remove themselves to this extent, I'd be pretty upset too.

onlyroz

To pay the bills one or both parents need to be working (at home, or out, or otherwise) for at least 7 hours a day. If this man is at home, and is also meant to be "caring" for his wife and child(ren) then I don't see how he can get in 7 productive hours of work a day. End of.