Husband may get new job - why can't I be happy?

picnmix

Person_one wrote: »

Where do you get that feeling? All we can tell from the OP is that he will enjoy the new job more.

I'm actually surprised a new dad wants to be away that much, he'll miss so much of his children's early years, and they'll miss out on him. You can't be a productive father if you're hardly ever there during waking hours.

You'd be surprised how productive and loving you can be, we have two lovely happy children who love their daddy dearly, many, many men and women work away from home, or long hours, I doubt their children are worse off because of this.

Person_one

Googlewhacker wrote: »

I think that is vastly unfair on fathers that are away, you can be a productive parent whilst not being there all the time, if you couldn't how did we surivive as a race for so many years when Men were traditionally not at home?

I get the feeling because he is looking for a new job that won't bring as much money in, you don't do that just for the crack, you do it because you are not happy in the current situation and you need to alter it. If this is the case then how can this not be better for the family as a whole if the father is more productive? (I'm not saying 5 days a week 12 hours a day is adviseable though! and maybe the OP's husband should look for a more traditional type of wrk of 5 days by 8 hours)

The fathers I know that work standard 40 hour weeks do miss their children and wish they could be at home with them more, I don't think its unfair to say I'm surprised that a new dad would volunteer to be away from home so much when there is absolutely no need to, especially when he'd be leaving his wife spectacularly in the lurch. The kind of hours he'd be working will essentially leave the OP in the role of a single parent, nothing wrong with being a single parent but its hard work, and not what you expect when you technically still live with your husband!

I think if the OP's husband wants to start working away from home it needs to be far far more gradual and flexible, dependent upon how she and the children cope. He can't just up and leave with very little warning, no discussion and no consideration.

Person_one

picnmix wrote: »

You'd be surprised how productive and loving you can be, we have two lovely happy children who love their daddy dearly, many, many men and women work away from home, or long hours, I doubt their children are worse off because of this.

Does your husband work 12 hour days, 5 days a week and some (we don't know how many) weekends and holidays on call? That's a really really excessive work week for someone with small children.

Children can get used to almost anything, it doesn't mean its ideal and the OP's husband has a choice and wants to choose to be away from them that much, does that not make anyone else a little sad? Why can't he reach a compromise or just postpone his career plans until they're in school, as so many mothers do?

summerday

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think its unfair to say I'm surprised that a new dad would volunteer to be away from home so much when there is absolutely no need to.

Person one, I do think you have made some fair and valid points on this thread, but this bit made me think: just as well every father doesn't take this view and just claim benefits to be at home, or there wouldn't be anyone out there working and paying into the tax system to make it possible!

Sorry if that sounds like a dig, but I think that the OP would be best off supporting hubby's decision to work if he wants to (and presumably he wouldn't have applied unless he wanted to)- lots of adults get depressed if they are not in paid work when physically able to. The options of Homestart and other organisations made by other posters would be good starting points. Also, although the OP's parents may not be able to take over childcare, perhaps they could make regular visits to help with a few jobs around the house, ease the burden on the OP.

sazzybum

Person_one wrote: »

Does your husband work 12 hour days, 5 days a week and some (we don't know how many) weekends and holidays on call? That's a really really excessive work week for someone with small children.

Children can get used to almost anything, it doesn't mean its ideal and the OP's husband has a choice and wants to choose to be away from them that much, does that not make anyone else a little sad? Why can't he reach a compromise or just postpone his career plans until they're in school, as so many mothers do?

I don't usually comment on this forum- however I've got some experience of fathers of young children working long hours.

When my boys were young, in fact when they awre about 2 weeks old- their father worked abroad for 6 weeks at a time, and they turned out very well mannered, stable young men

It would be an ideal world if men were offered a job, and they were able to turn round and say'' well thanks, but unless it's 9-5, and weekends off I'm not doing it' That's not realistic.

To be honest- and I don't meant to be harsh in any way to the OP-I don't blame him in the slightest for trying to get out of the house ofr some hours a day. It sounds as if it's dreadfully hard for him having to run after the OP and one child, never mind two.

The one saving grace in the OP is that she knows she's being selfish, and I agree with her. Yes, it'll be hard for her, yes it'll be tiring but you'll manage. Most people have to. If she thinks it'll be hard and tiring for her- what would it have been like for her OH- running after her AND 2 small children. Better he goes to work than collapses from nervous exhaustion.

*Stands back and waits to get flamed*

Person_one

summerday wrote: »

Person one, I do think you have made some fair and valid points on this thread, but this bit made me think: just as well every father doesn't take this view and just claim benefits to be at home, or there wouldn't be anyone out there working and paying into the tax system to make it possible!

Sorry if that sounds like a dig, but I think that the OP would be best off supporting hubby's decision to work if he wants to (and presumably he wouldn't have applied unless he wanted to)- lots of adults get depressed if they are not in paid work when physically able to. The options of Homestart and other organisations made by other posters would be good starting points. Also, although the OP's parents may not be able to take over childcare, perhaps they could make regular visits to help with a few jobs around the house, ease the burden on the OP.

I am no way suggesting that dads should stay at home on benefis, I'm not sure where you got that from. I do think that a 40 hour standard working week is more than enough time away from home though, the hours the OP's husband would be working are far too much.

He's already working, he works from home. Some people have assumed that they are living off mostly CA, but if as the OP states they are better off now than they would be on the wages from those long hours away, I think that's unlikely.

I keep suggesting that the OP and her husband take baby steps towards getting him into a job he likes rather than jumping in suddenly feet first against her wishes, but those bits of my post are getting ignored!

Person_one

sazzybum wrote: »

I don't usually comment on this forum- however I've got some experience of fathers of young children working long hours.

When my boys were young, in fact when they awre about 2 weeks old- their father worked abroad for 6 weeks at a time, and they turned out very well mannered, stable young men

It would be an ideal world if men were offered a job, and they were able to turn round and say'' well thanks, but unless it's 9-5, and weekends off I'm not doing it' That's not realistic.

To be honest- and I don't meant to be harsh in any way to the OP-I don't blame him in the slightest for trying to get out of the house ofr some hours a day. It sounds as if it's dreadfully hard for him having to run after the OP and one child, never mind two.

The one saving grace in the OP is that she knows she's being selfish, and I agree with her. Yes, it'll be hard for her, yes it'll be tiring but you'll manage. Most people have to. If she thinks it'll be hard and tiring for her- what would it have been like for her OH- running after her AND 2 small children. Better he goes to work than collapses from nervous exhaustion.

*Stands back and waits to get flamed*

My father worked long hours (shifts) while I was growing up, I think I turned out pretty well but I still missed him when I didn't actually see him for 5 or 6 days at a time depending on what hours he was working!

Why is it considered to be such an arduous task for the husband to take care of his disabled wife and one child but relatively easy for the disabled wife to care for herself and two children, one toddler and one newborn!

Mothers have to be careful about what jobs they take, what hours they work etc. to ensure their children are properly cared for, why can men take any job they want? Honestly now, what would you think if a mum wanted to be away from her tiny children as much as this dad wants to?

CH27

Person_one wrote: »

Where do you get that feeling? All we can tell from the OP is that he will enjoy the new job more.

I'm actually surprised a new dad wants to be away that much, he'll miss so much of his children's early years, and they'll miss out on him. You can't be a productive father if you're hardly ever there during waking hours.

Absolute rubbish!

thorsoak

You don't have to be working 12 hours a day, to be out of the house for that amount of time! During our children's early years, my OH was working in London & commuting by bus/train/underground - and could easily be out of the house for that amount of time - quite a normal state of affairs for many people. Of course he missed the children - as did his father and my father miss us when they were away during WWII - it didn't make them dads that don't care!

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

You don't have to be working 12 hours a day, to be out of the house for that amount of time! During our children's early years, my OH was working in London & commuting by bus/train/underground - and could easily be out of the house for that amount of time - quite a normal state of affairs for many people. Of course he missed the children - as did his father and my father miss us when they were away during WWII - it didn't make them dads that don't care!

So just think how long you might be out of the house if you add a commute on either side of a 12 hour working day! I think 4 hour daily commutes are only really considered normal in the South East, too.

Comparing a dad who chooses to be away from his children most of the time with a dad who was sent away to WWII is so ridiculous I can't quite believe you went there.