Husband may get new job - why can't I be happy?

*hiya*

My husband has been working from home. This has been great for me, as I had a baby last year, and haven't been well, and he is my carer, and helps with the baby, and everything else - I couldn't cope without him.

I understand that he needs to feel fulfilled, and to that end logically I know I have to support him, yet I can't help from feeling a bit crestfallen.

I'm due to have another baby in a few months. In all likelihood I will need to have another caesarean, and the idea of coping on my own, with a newborn & another child under 18 months, scares me - especially after a caesarean.

The new job will be at least 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, and on call some weekends and holidays.

It's unlikely that he will get paternity leave, if he's only worked there a short time (I don't know the law on this), and I'm worried about him not being there if I go into labour (as I will then have to have an emergency caesarean). I'm also concerned who will look after our other child whilst I'm in hospital.

My parents are in their 70's and would be unable to look after either child, and won't be much help when I'm home, my husband has no family & we don't have a huge support network or friends.

I KNOW I'm selfish, but I can't help feel upset by this. He's going from being here, helping me, and will leave me worse off (if I struggle with one, then with two kids under 2 will be impossible)

We won't be better off if he takes the job - maybe worse off if anything, but it's something he did in the past & enjoyed it. I don't want to spoil it for him, or have him resent us for turning it down.

I don't know what to do. I understand that lots of people have these problems, but he is officially my carer, a role he took upon himself - freely, now he wants to leave me alone for 12 hours a day, without any help, with another kid on the way

make_me_wise

Is your husband aware of how you feel about all this? In your post it comes across that you have all these worries and fears but haven't shared them with him. Whilst he has been putting in place a new career, maybe thinking it is a fabulous opportunity and will do him and his family the world of good.

I think you need to sit down together and be honest about how these life changes make you both feel. Looking after a newborn baby with such a young child around will put alot of strain on you. I imagine it would be very hard if you do have a caesarian. Have you spoken with your midwife about your worries about the birth? She may be able to help and offer some good advice.

Do you have any friends nearby or kindly neighbours who could help when the new babys arrival is imminent?

Person_one

12 hours a day 5 days a week?

That's not an ideal job for anyone with very young children, even less so if your partner needs a significant amount of support.

Is it possible for him to carry on as he is? If it is I really think he needs to put his family first for now and pursue his dream career once the children are a bit older, you know, like millions of women do!

Talk to him, you're in a partnership, he can't make huge decisions like this unilaterally when they have an impact on all four of you.

Person_one

Bo_Nidle wrote: »

why are you having another baby when you are unwell need a carer ?

That's not exactly advice is it? Time travel hasn't been invented yet. Fact is, this is her situation now and she has to try and deal with it as it is.

FBaby

Are you saying that you are carrying all this worry on your shoulder, not talking to him about it because you feel it is your duty to protect him from your concerns since he is such a good husband? This has nothing to do with the fact that you rely on him, this is a huge change to your family life with implications that affect everyone. Regardless of the fact that you need him maybe more than the 'average' partner, these are the kind of decision that should have been discussed together before making a decision. That includes having another baby under the circumstances, and him changing his career. Has he made up his mind officially, has he try to discuss it with you? Clearly you are not going to be better off, so there are no advantage to this but for him. Is it a case that he finds it psychologically too much to be a carer in addition to working from home? Is it a case that he doesn't want to tell you because like you, he doesn't want you to feel that you are a burden to him, and he thinks that the easy way out?

onlyroz

It seems likely that your partner has been struggling as well - it must be tough for him to attempt to work from home whilst also rushing around looking after you and your child. Maybe some sort of compromise can be reached? Maybe he could still work from home sometimes in the new job? Or maybe he could do the two jobs part-time so he spends some time working from home in the old job and some time working away in the new job.

Either way, you should *both* address your respective concerns to each other, rather than seeking anonymous advice on a public internet forum.

ZsaZsa

I had 2 under 2, both c-sections, my husband worked away pretty much all the time and I'd recently moved to a new area with no family or friends around. My health visitor put me in touch with a charity called homestart who have volunteers come and visit you at home in the early weeks. They dont help as carers, and you cant leave the children with them, but they are helpful as a spare pair of hands, and can help you get out and about (getting shopping, getting to toddler groups etc). I didnt use them in the end, but maybe this is something you could look into for a bit of additional support.

pigpen

Having a second child is rather irresponsible and you should have considered this before conceiving it.. but.. given I'll have about 14 months between mine.. also highly irresponsible and not without considerable risk to my health, no different to your own circumstances. Depending on the reasons for your last section you might not even have one.

I suppose it depends on whether you have been letting him be the carer.. Do you let him do things you are quite able to do just because you are depressed and can't summon the energy or just plain old can't be bothered? I am not implying you are being lazy or anything of the sort just that sometimes it is easy to get into a pattern where you are so used to letting others do stuff and out of the habit of doing it yourself it is very hard to get back into.. I had 3 weeks in hospital once and when I got home having to do stuff like childcare, cleaning and cooking myself not only exhausting but I had to force myself to do it.

I don't think you can stop him taking the job TBH.. the extra income it will bring in .. might you be able to afford a cleaner a few hours a week to help or pay for the older one to go to a childminder or a nursery a few hours? You may find if he doesn't do something he will get depressed and you really don't need 2 of you unwell, noone woud benefit.

Sit down with him and talk about your fears and see where you get.

cheepskate_2

O.P, what is your disability that your husband needs to care for you. I am sure there will be others with the same disability who can help you out.

GracieP

pigpen wrote: »

I don't think you can stop him taking the job TBH.. the extra income it will bring in .. might you be able to afford a cleaner a few hours a week to help or pay for the older one to go to a childminder or a nursery a few hours?

The OP has said the job won't bring in any extra income and is in fact worried that they will actually be worse off financially than they are now.

CH27

It must be extremely difficult to work from home & care for somebody & a young child.
Poor hubby probably feels torn in 3 constantly.

I think it would be good for him to work away so he has space to work in peace.

Can arrangements be made for carers to come in to help out or friends help out?
Also you may be very surprised how much you can do if you have to.

Good luck in getting it sorted.