Husband may get new job - why can't I be happy?

Person_one

CH27 wrote: »

It must be extremely difficult to work from home & care for somebody & a young child.
Poor hubby probably feels torn in 3 constantly.

I think it would be good for him to work away so he has space to work in peace.

Can arrangements be made for carers to come in to help out or friends help out?
Also you may be very surprised how much you can do if you have to.

Good luck in getting it sorted.

Poor hubby got married and had children, now he has to think of them just as much as of himself.

There's no 'looking after number one' in a real family, you have to figure out what is best for every member.

Its not a bad idea to try and set aside time when he can work without being disturbed unless its an emergency, you can try and build up this time slowly as you feel more confident on your own, but to throw you suddenly into coping on your own for 12 hours, 5 days a week, that's too much too soon and is completely unfair if its not absolutely necessary.

CH27

Person_one wrote: »

Poor hubby got married and had children, now he has to think of them just as much as of himself.

There's no 'looking after number one' in a real family, you have to figure out what is best for every member.

Its not a bad idea to try and set aside time when he can work without being disturbed unless its an emergency, you can try and build up this time slowly as you feel more confident on your own, but to throw you suddenly into coping on your own for 12 hours, 5 days a week, that's too much too soon and is completely unfair if its not absolutely necessary.

Yes he does.
He also has to work to pay the bills. Putting lots of pressure on him could end up making him ill & then he would be no good to anyone.

It's a difficult one.

Errata

If you need a full time carer, apply for Direct Payments so you can pay for one and let your OH go out to work.

Person_one

Errata wrote: »

If you need a full time carer, apply for Direct Payments so you can pay for one and let your OH go out to work.

Even if she didn't need a carer I think its pretty darn selfish for a dad of two tiny children to take a job that involves 5 12 hour days a week and some weekends on call if he already has a job that supports his family.

Googlewhacker

Person_one wrote: »

Even if she didn't need a carer I think its pretty darn selfish for a dad of two tiny children to take a job that involves 5 12 hour days a week and some weekends on call if he already has a job that supports his family.

I get the feeling the OP's husband is struggling and wants to get out of a claustrophobic situation.

If that is the case then I am happy he is being selfish if it helps him be better because he as a father/husband is more likely to be productive.

The OP is just worried which is fair enough but plenty of people manage with a parent not being there.

Person_one

Googlewhacker wrote: »

I get the feeling the OP's husband is struggling and wants to get out of a claustrophobic situation.

If that is the case then I am happy he is being selfish if it helps him be better because he as a father/husband is more likely to be productive.

The OP is just worried which is fair enough but plenty of people manage with a parent not being there.

Where do you get that feeling? All we can tell from the OP is that he will enjoy the new job more.

I'm actually surprised a new dad wants to be away that much, he'll miss so much of his children's early years, and they'll miss out on him. You can't be a productive father if you're hardly ever there during waking hours.

pigpen

GracieP wrote: »

The OP has said the job won't bring in any extra income and is in fact worried that they will actually be worse off financially than they are now.

so she did.. I see why she thinks it is pointless.

I can see why he would want some time away from the home though. We all know how tiring and humdrum it can be.

He hasn't actually got the job though has he/ just applied so this may all be in vain.

Googlewhacker

Person_one wrote: »

Where do you get that feeling? All we can tell from the OP is that he will enjoy the new job more.

I'm actually surprised a new dad wants to be away that much, he'll miss so much of his children's early years, and they'll miss out on him. You can't be a productive father if you're hardly ever there during waking hours.

I think that is vastly unfair on fathers that are away, you can be a productive parent whilst not being there all the time, if you couldn't how did we surivive as a race for so many years when Men were traditionally not at home?

I get the feeling because he is looking for a new job that won't bring as much money in, you don't do that just for the crack, you do it because you are not happy in the current situation and you need to alter it. If this is the case then how can this not be better for the family as a whole if the father is more productive? (I'm not saying 5 days a week 12 hours a day is adviseable though! and maybe the OP's husband should look for a more traditional type of wrk of 5 days by 8 hours)

picnmix

This is a difficult situation, try to talk to you OH and listen to the reasons. Whilst his responsibilities are as a father and a husband, he still is a person in his own right, has he given you any reasons why this sudden change to your family. There maybe is more to it than just the fact that he used to do this role and enjoyed it. Do you feel you can share what your diability is, maybe someone would be able to give you some more constructive help if they are also going thought it. Can you also talk to you Health Visitor and seek a more official carer to help you out.

It does seem a bit strong to call someone selfish, when we dont really know the ins and outs of a situation, my OH works long hours, and many weekends, but he is not at all selfish, we have 2 young children, he doesnt do it on a whim, and spends quality time with our children. It is hard, I also work (again not for selfish reasons).

This is something you really need to be talking to each other about and listening to each other about. Has he expressed that your current arrangements are not working.

Good luck in sorting this out, and good luck with the new arrival.

thorsoak

Person_one wrote: »

Even if she didn't need a carer I think its pretty darn selfish for a dad of two tiny children to take a job that involves 5 12 hour days a week and some weekends on call if he already has a job that supports his family.

I take the completely opposite view - he is taking responsibility for his family - for their upkeep and their well-being. I do not think that his current job supports his family - I think that being the carer supports his family.

The majority of men want to know that they - not the state - are supporting their family. If the OP is in receipt of DLA and her OH receives a Carer's allowance, then as has already been suggested, if she claims the carer's package direct, she can then pay directly for what care she needs.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and it may well be that a second baby just now is not what this family needs - but it is what it is - and I would want to reassure the OP that yes, although it might be tough at first, they will manage to cope - there are Mother & toddler groups which will often befriend if the Homestart is drying up in some areas - good luck to you all - you will be better off long term - just tough out the next few months.

Hormonally too, you are going to feel low - if OH was around for your first pregnancy and he won't be around quite as much - but you will be able to do it - think of all the single mums struggling out there - you will be okay!

{{hugs}}