How do you get a man to open up??

FBaby

londoner1998 wrote: »

Patience is a must, but I woudl never say 'accept him as he is'- it is not about changing him, it is about learning to communicate within a partnership and issues in this field become apparent only with time...every thing is easy at the beginning.

That too speaks to my heart. That's exactly it. I try really hard to be patient, but the more patient I am, the more effort I feel I make, and the more frustrated I feel when it doesn't seem reciprocal.

FBaby

brians_daughter wrote: »

I used to have the same issues with my oh

The above quote speaks volumes. If your oh is anything like mine he hears the start of 'THAT' conversation adn in all honesty (hes told me since) all he thought was 'good god here she goes again' which lead to arguments as he couldnt see any issues and was sick of the same conversation over and over.. THAT convesation usually involved plans for teh future, kids, mortgage etc.

I had had enough and one day said if we couldnt speak about anything then we should seperate as i wanted a partner i could be 100% with and expected the same. ok, it was an untimatum - but i did mean it - i was ready to walk and not look back.

He didnt wanna speak about it as he wanted to enjoy 'today' not pplan for tomorrow. He eventually - after about 18 months of me not mentioning it actually asked me could we talk about our future lol

Hes gradually (over 12 years lol) got better and better and we we are open about anything

thanks for this, it helps to know that it can get better. I am not prepared to give an ultimatum or walk away, I might have no choice at some stage, but i still want to hang on to what we have. Did I mention that he IS the most affectionate man I have ever met and he does tell me he loves me almost every day? Maybe that is also what is frustrating, that he can be some demonstrative on one hand, but totally close on the other.

FBaby

FunnySaving wrote: »

I think often people who want to discuss a big, important matter brew it over in their heads and come up with all the pros and cons etc, so when you actually bring it up you have so much to say that it feels a little like a test that they haven't done their revision for. It can feel like you're being railroaded when someone already seems to have an answer to everything you might come up with, and it's not fair to expect someone to make a decision about something important on the basis of one conversation or without any preparation.

Could you try letting him come to you? e.g you say 'I would really like to talk about xyz, but I don't want to ambush you with it until you've had a chance to get your thoughts in order. Maybe you could think about it and let me know when you're ready.' That way you aren't forcing a discussion when it might not be a good time, or demanding a response without giving the other person a chance to really sort out how they feel about things, and once the fight has got in the way of the original issue, it taints the whole subject with bad feeling.

I do agree with others that communication isn't necessarily the be all and end all of a relationship unless there are serious issues to discuss - I am much more likely to venture an opinion or feeling about something than my OH, but so long as it's not a matter of life or death, or something which I feel particularly strongly about, then it doesn't really matter.

thank you for this message, it is very insightful. I think you are very right about letting him come to me rather than pushing. Someone else (sorry can't find the post any longer) about not putting him under pressure is the key and I agree, it's not easy though, as at the moment, my partner sees it as a get out clause I tihnk what I need to try more is to bring things up before I am really upset about them, but then of course, when I am not upset, I am not in the most pressing mood to talk about 'serious' matters!

Sweet_Pea_2

:rotfl:Blimey OP, you could be describing my OH there

FBaby

BugglyB wrote: »

Wow that is a very insightful post. I particularly agree with the first paragraph.

I dont think that the op is asking her partner to change, I think shes asking him to compromise by doing something he doesn't necessarily want to do (discuss how he feels) for the sake of the relationship. Maybe she will also have to compromise by leaving it for the really big things (why are you always nasty to my mother, do you want to have kids with me) instead of the little things (why do you never sit next to me at parties, why can't you leave the toilet seat down).

That's the thing, I do that already, trying to leave it for the important things. He used to say that I nagged too much (ha ha!) so I made a special effort to let small things go and he has admitted that I don't do it any longer which he appreciates. He has even said that I am quite a cool partner (compared to his friend's wives/partners). Maybe he is a bit spoilt now and I should go back to nagging so the rest doesn't seem so bad (just kidding!!)

FBaby

Sweet_Pea wrote: »

:rotfl:Blimey OP, you could be describing my OH there

Oh, he is not the only specimen then, am sorry for you, but it does bring a bit of comfort! Can you please share the secret of handling such creatures

Steel_2

Hubby is an odd one. He can talk the hind legs off a donkey and we ribbit for Britain when we're together.

But if I bring up something of any importance he will go quiet and say nothing. Not even a grunt. For a couple of years it led to friction because he once told me that he often doesn't like to say no outright to something he doesn't want so he just won't say anything at all. So everything I brought up of any importance got no response so I thought he didn't like it.

Then I realised that somewhere between a few weeks to a few months later, he would start a discussion with me about this thing of importance I originally brought up, but as if we have never spoken about it and it was his idea!!!

Finally after five years of marriage I understand.

He goes quiet and says nothing when he doesn't like something.
He goes quiet and says nothing when he's thinking about something.
And that thinking can go on for months.

So now I say (after 4 or 5 minutes of waiting in silence!) "are you thinking it through or just not liking it?"

The response is usually one or the other.

If it's the latter I leave it a couple of days and ask in passing why he didn't like it and go from there.

puddy

what i suppose i will never understand, is why, in the above example the husband didnt just say at the beginning, 'when im thinking about something or not sure, i just go quiet, it can take me some months to decide what i think'

and the fact that they dont, confirms what i said earlier, that lack of communication is also internal, its healthy to develop a sense of yourself that you can then explain to others. its fine if you live as a hermit, but if you want a relationship you need to get some insight

londoner1998

FBaby wrote: »

That too speaks to my heart. That's exactly it. I try really hard to be patient, but the more patient I am, the more effort I feel I make, and the more frustrated I feel when it doesn't seem reciprocal.

FBaby
You mentioned a miscarriage and IVF- this is draining and leaves a profound mark on both of you- have you had any support around this issue? I think it is important and may be he has unresolves feelings about the miscarriage that made him avoid anything to do with it and also future pregnancies. I am not trying to venture a diganosis or anything like that, but these things are hard on both and if he is not the talking type, it will be very hard on you too to feel you are on your own (even if you are not, and I am sure you are not).
I salute you for not wanting to give up and that is a very positive sign: you recognise what is good in your relationship and are prepared to work around it. There is no magic, instant formula, but rather a lot of thinking, supporting and compromising with each other. You need to find out whether the baby issue is really a must: what would happen if you didn't have children? You seem to really love this man- please, don't let anything get in the way of your happiness with him. I appreciate this is a very intimate and personal thing, but if the IVF is putting pressure on you both and making you unhappy, you need to gauge whether it is worth it in the long term (and I a not saying give it up to make him happy)- just put it in context. .

You seem to have something very good going on there and I think with a bit of work nad patience, you will be just fine. Communication is somethign that needs to be re-calibrated at different life stages and this is what you are having to do now...

Good luck

FBaby

thanks Londoner, your message really touched me

You are very right about him having been affected by the miscarriage then lack of conceiving and then finding we had a problem especially as it is on his side. From the start, he always acted like he was ok with it, when he said comforting things, it was more for my benefit than his. Whereas I battled on in the midst of screams (internal) and tears, I think he accepted the situation right away and even though I suspect it hurt to some extent, he managed to convince himself he didn't want to become a dad any longer. It worked, he did convince himself... he moved on successfully whereas I really struggled to do so. I did get to the point that I didn't as much wished to fall pregnant than wished that i could like him stop hurting and move on. I didn't help that my -horrible- ex's gilfriend fell pregnant in the midst of my turmoil!

I have thought of going to counselling many times for myself, but I genuinely don't think he/she would be able to tell me much more than what I tell myself everyday to help me move on. I think I am getting there, just incredibly slowly. The baby matter is not the only issue, there are other where we don't see eye to eye and I can't get him to open up about but I think the baby issue is probably the most difficult one.

Thank you so much for telling me that you think we will be ok. I do hope our total devotion for each other will conquer our differences over time. I waited long to find him, he is far from perfect, but he is the man I love and I much prefer to give all I have to make it work, than giving up and hoping for better to come my way, or worse give up on love.