How do you get a man to open up??

mountainofdebt

Another thing to consider is how do you bring up the subjects that you want to talk about?

Is it a lets sit down and discuss a, b and c or is it what do you think about a, b and c as you're both just gazing at the sky?

I guess with the former method it seems a lot more formal, anything discussed will be cast in stone where as with the latter it appears casual but still things are discussed

Oldernotwiser

FBaby wrote: »

Ok, what I am talking about is things like priorities in life, financial decisions, intimate life, family choices etc... We do share similar aspirations, but at the moment, we don't seem to have the same priorities and I feel that in the past two years, I have gone with his and been patient. However, this is not happening and I am starting to get a bit itsy that it is not just a question of time.

Is this the "when are we planning to start a family" conversation?

Bo_Nidle

PHYTHIAN wrote: »

Sorry but I need to refer to Rule One in the 'Being a man' handbook we blokes receive when entering the first stage of puberty.

1, Never 'open up' or 'show your true emotions' to any woman other than your mother. It can AND WILL be used against you at some future point.

Spot on. They may wait 5 yrs, 2 months, 1 week, 3 days, 8 hrs, 7 mins and 34 seconds BUT IT WILL BE BROUGHT UP AGAIN AND THROWN IN YOUR FACE, REPEATEDLY.

Stay silent and in control. Say nothing :cool:

itzmee

balletshoes wrote: »

What do you want him to open up to you about OP?
If its discussions about joint problems/practical household or future stuff, I can discuss that no bother with my OH. But I'm aware that I rarely instigate discussions on the depth of feelings we have about each other. I love him more now than when we first got married, miss him, and can't imagine not being together with him, but he definitely tells me more than I tell him this kind of thing.

Maybe your OH, like me, just needs to take his own time to tell you, and needs to do it when he feels its the right time, not necessarily when you are telling him a similar thing. I have in the past got very overcome with emotion when my OH is telling me how important I am to him, and I really can't speak, can't get words out.

Do you know how much you mean your OH? If you do, if you're secure in that knowledge, let him open up to you more in his own time. If you need to hear it from him though, because you're not sure of the depth of his feelings, by all means tell him you need to hear it .

I can relate to this post. My DH is definitely more in touch with his emotions than me - I didn't used to talk about my feelings and he would get really annoyed with me over this. We have been together for nearly 13 years and it's only in the last 3 years or so that I have been able to let myself open up to him, hell in fact it's only during this time that I actually told that I loved him - I wasn't able to say those words without feeling stupid or embarrassed . We nearly split up because I wouldn't communicate so I had to to say something before I lost him as he was so frustrated with me. In my case it took a lot of alcohol after a girls night out but once I started talking I didn't stop. I now find it easier to talk to him but he still annoys me at times by being over-affectionate and over-emotional.

balletshoes

itzmee wrote: »

I can relate to this post. My DH is definitely more in touch with his emotions than me - I didn't used to talk about my feelings and he would get really annoyed with me over this. We have been together for nearly 13 years and it's only in the last 3 years or so that I have been able to let myself open up to him, hell in fact it's only during this time that I actually told that I loved him - I wasn't able to say those words without feeling stupid or embarrassed . We nearly split up because I wouldn't communicate so I had to to say something before I lost him as he was so frustrated with me. In my case it took a lot of alcohol after a girls night out but once I started talking I didn't stop. I now find it easier to talk to him but he still annoys me at times by being over-affectionate and over-emotional.

Yep, I can relate to the feeling a bit embarrassed to say the words. I'm sure that comes from my family - I don't recall my parents/grandparents etc ever saying "I love you" - but I never doubted for a moment growing up that I was loved by each of them.

As an adult, I think I feel that the words mean so much that it somehow trivialises the feeling if we say it too much - which logically I know is complete nonsense . Especially since it makes me feel so valued and treasured when my OH tells me how he feels.

OP thanks for this thread - my OH called me a few minutes ago from work, and the first thing I told him was how much I love him . If I can do it, your OH can too, I'm sure of it.

relic

I wish I could have an answer.

I tend to just bottle up everything, don't tell anyone, then have an outburst months down the line in my own space and own time, to the outside world i'm probably the most chilled out person ever, but honestly it's a very good cover up!

I wish I could change, but it does help me deal with various situations, and I think if I did start to open up, i'd be one of those blokes that cries at movies and kittens... yeah, not me

balletshoes

relic wrote: »

I wish I could have an answer.

I tend to just bottle up everything, don't tell anyone, then have an outburst months down the line in my own space and own time, to the outside world i'm probably the most chilled out person ever, but honestly it's a very good cover up!

I wish I could change, but it does help me deal with various situations, and
I think if I did start to open up, i'd be one of those blokes that cries at movies and kittens... yeah, not me

do you have any idea how popular you'd be with women if you cried over kittens ??

sennheiser

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Is this the "when are we planning to start a family" conversation?

Sure sounds like it, men can spot this a mile off, and for a lot it them it's not something they want to think or talk about.

Gavin83

From what I can gather from your post your referring to starting a family. You want to start a family and he has said he's wanted to in the future and now the future is here he still isn't bringing it up. Correct?

In my honest opinion he's quite happy with life and doesn't actually want children but realises if he tells you this you'll leave. It's not so much a case of he won't open up but that he knows if he does it'll be the end of the relationship. It's an unfortunate situation, hope you both work something out of it.

londoner1998

Emmzi wrote: »

If he doesn't want to, you can't make him in order to suit you. He's the man he is - take it or leave it, don't try and change him.

ok, but not dealing with issues and sweeping them under the carpet just because that is the man he is, will extract a very high price sooner or later. Both on the realtionship and on himself.

My oh is just like this, a cheerful guy, goes on regardless. 12 years of not dealing with his relationship with his ex and the effect of saying 'yes' to everything is regards of his daughter just to keep the peace and not to have to think about it have come back to bit him in the bum, and provoked yet another problem between us.

We get stuck like that sometimes (been together for 8 years), and in the latest one, to do with his child, he practically stopped talking to me for almost two weeks. This time, instead of letting the fear get me, I sat down very clamly and said to him: ' you need to start dealing with this- I am here for you, on your side, but you can't carry on not talking to me because that will not help anyone and is not fair on me. If there is a problem, when you are ready, we can talk'. It has taken a hell of a couple of weeks, but in the end he had time to think and understood that not dealing with the small problems don't make them go away.

I had counselling for three years and that really helped- I would say a mixture of patience and a calm statement of how you see things might help- I would do it in writing- leave a letter for him- i did this in the early days on the relationship and at least he could read it without feeling under pressure and I could pour my heart out without feeling criticised for it. My OH said once he 'doesn't have the words' and I think that is quite literally the problem- his dad is just the same, he doesn't do talking- and he lives a miserable live hardly ever seeing his children...