How do you get a man to open up??

puddy

i totally agree with the above. thats my experience. its not always the stereotypical situation where everything is ok, but the woman wants to talk about stuff for no reason and the bloke just wants to watch footie.

a lack of communication is damaging. remember people that dont communicate, dont just exclude their partner from their feelings, they exclude themselves, they dont deal with their own emotions, difficulties, anger, joy etc etc, everything gets swept away, minimised, dismissed and this is quite dangerous for the person themselves, not just in the context of a relationship. problems arent dealt with which then exacerbate, causing more problems. its a terrible cycle.

londoner1998

puddy wrote: »

i totally agree with the above. thats my experience. its not always the stereotypical situation where everything is ok, but the woman wants to talk about stuff for no reason and the bloke just wants to watch footie.

a lack of communication is damaging. remember people that dont communicate, dont just exclude their partner from their feelings, they exclude themselves, they dont deal with their own emotions, difficulties, anger, joy etc etc, everything gets swept away, minimised, dismissed and this is quite dangerous for the person themselves, not just in the context of a relationship. problems arent dealt with which then exacerbate, causing more problems. its a terrible cycle.

Absoultely, Puddy- I think it creates a huge dent in their confidence, because all they do it to alienate and hurt their loved ones and themselves-and they hate themselves for it too, whether they are conscious of it not. This causes a lot of pain and stereotypes aside, it takes a very strong and loving partner to put up with the silent treatment and the 'I don't have any problem, you do' every time you need to talk. Everybody needs to talk, sooner or later, problems are part of life and the key is to find the style that is effective. I had to learn to tone down my anxiety- but I will not let go when I really think that we need to talk- I just give him time to think about what is going on, as calmly and rationally as I can and try to look after myslef analising really what the issue is. Patience is a must, but I woudl never say 'accept him as he is'- it is not about changing him, it is about learning to communicate within a partnership and issues in this field become apparent only with time...every thing is easy at the beginning.

euronorris

puddy wrote: »

i could have written this. its very difficult. my OH has lots of baggage from his child hood and has learnt to avoid, im a person who is desparate to know whats going on so i can understand it and he finds it overwhelming.

we saw a great counsellor and it has really benefited us. life is so stressful anyway, especially if you have pressurised jobs and depending on his previous experiences he may feel that communication makes him vulnerable. in a neutral setting, he gets to express things and understnad that it doesnt have to be a threat, then the 2 of you can carry it on by yourselves.

My OH has been very similar also, and it did cause a fair few arguments and misunderstandings to begin with.

Whilst we haven't been to counselling, we have gradually learnt how to communicate better with each other over time. I find now that it goes a lot more smoothly if I get us both a nice drink first (like a coffee or tea), and maybe even a nice snack too, and then sit down and ask him if he wants to talk about it. He usually says no at first, so I leave it, and then half an hour later he starts talking.

It's hard for him, so I find the softly, softly, no pressure route best. Oh, and learning to accept that he just isn't ready to talk about certain things straightaway, or even a few hours later. I just let him know that I'm still here whenever he wants to talk, and eventually he opens up. I'm also finding that the more he opens up, the more he wants to (IYSWIM).

wherediditallgothen

What about alternative methods of communication? letters e-mails etc? It's not ideal, but then again neither is what you currently have, and it may provide a starting point.

brians_daughter

FBaby wrote: »

Occasionally, I managed to get him to open up a bit and when he does, everything is better right away, but 4 times out of 5, my attempts lead to arguments.

I used to have the same issues with my oh

The above quote speaks volumes. If your oh is anything like mine he hears the start of 'THAT' conversation adn in all honesty (hes told me since) all he thought was 'good god here she goes again' which lead to arguments as he couldnt see any issues and was sick of the same conversation over and over.. THAT convesation usually involved plans for teh future, kids, mortgage etc.

I had had enough and one day said if we couldnt speak about anything then we should seperate as i wanted a partner i could be 100% with and expected the same. ok, it was an untimatum - but i did mean it - i was ready to walk and not look back.

He didnt wanna speak about it as he wanted to enjoy 'today' not pplan for tomorrow. He eventually - after about 18 months of me not mentioning it actually asked me could we talk about our future lol

Hes gradually (over 12 years lol) got better and better and we we are open about anything

scooby088

From a male point of view when i have ever spoke how i feel to me it seems to fall on deaf ears so i just keep things to myself, i think every boyfriend,husband are onto a loser trying to speak about feelings. Sure i talk about important stuff re money,job. My OH knows i love her and desire her, and i know she feels the same about me.

euronorris

scooby088 wrote: »

From a male point of view when i have ever spoke how i feel to me it seems to fall on deaf ears so i just keep things to myself, i think every boyfriend,husband are onto a loser trying to speak about feelings. Sure i talk about important stuff re money,job. My OH knows i love her and desire her, and i know she feels the same about me.

Why do you feel it falls on deaf ears? Past experience?

murphydog999

My husband is the same, very non-commital about things, but he's always been that way and never going to change - frustrating, perhaps there you go! There will be occasions (generally on the phone) when he lets slip about the way he feels about me, or a situation, that surprises me, but it doesn't happen very often. His best mate's the same.

It's a bit different talking about financial decisions/family, compared to intimacy and your relationship. If he won't talk about the basics of your normal, everyday life then there is a problem. Personally I would say, if he doesn't want to make decisions, take the ball out of his court, and make them for him, tell him what you are doing, and if he doesn't agree he will have to tell you.

If he's always been like this, you don't really have the ammunition to take him to task, but if you think there are reasons why he's avoiding possibly confrontational topics, then you need to deal with it.

crazyguy

blow him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

scooby088

euronorris wrote: »

Why do you feel it falls on deaf ears? Past experience?

Well we agreed on something then the next minute she does exactly what she wants with no discussion. And past experience was a now ex wanted to have children i didn't and she said she respected that and was for months sticking pins in my supply of condoms.

I am happy now as i am in a relationship whereby we both love and respect each other and can speak freely when the need arises. And we discuss things when we need to.