How do you get a man to open up??

FBaby

I have been with my partner for 2 1/2 years now, and in many ways, he is a wonderful partner. We without a doubt love each other deeply, but our relationship is blagued with frustrations.

Without going into detail and boring everyone, the main problem is not so much the actual frustrations (although of course they weight on the relationship), but the lack of communication. If you are frustrated but you can at least talk through them, then it is manageable. Unfortunately, my partner seems incapable of expressing his feelings. When I bring something up, telling him how I feel, and then asking him to tell me what he thinks/feels, all I get is either silence or a 'I don't know what to tell you', which inevitably leaves me not only more frustrated, but then also with my confidence shaken because I start to believe he doesn't tell me so not to hurt my feelings and I imagine the worse.

Occasionally, I managed to get him to open up a bit and when he does, everything is better right away, but 4 times out of 5, my attempts lead to arguments. I have of course told him how I feel, how important it is to me to know how he feels about things, how I believe no relationship can be healthy without communication, how I wanted us to grow together as a couple, not just live together as companion, but he seems frozen to the core at the prospect of opening up. As he tells me 'he doesn't think about stuff, he just moves on...' He has said that I am the person he has been most opened with left me quite shocked (but a bit more confident!!!).

So my question is, what can I do to support him to grow more confident in opening up? I know patience is everything, but how do I go about it?

puddy

i could have written this. its very difficult. my OH has lots of baggage from his child hood and has learnt to avoid, im a person who is desparate to know whats going on so i can understand it and he finds it overwhelming.

we saw a great counsellor and it has really benefited us. life is so stressful anyway, especially if you have pressurised jobs and depending on his previous experiences he may feel that communication makes him vulnerable. in a neutral setting, he gets to express things and understnad that it doesnt have to be a threat, then the 2 of you can carry it on by yourselves.

Emmzi

If he doesn't want to, you can't make him in order to suit you. He's the man he is - take it or leave it, don't try and change him.

Plans_all_plans

If you're looking for a man who'll "open up to you about his feelings" I fear you'll be in for a very long wait!

Accept him for who he is.

Men are different to women and in my experience, as long as they are happy in a relationship, talking about feelings is the last thing on their mind. Obviously, not all men are like this, but every one I know is.

I think you need to relax about it. My husband is a quiet, taciturn man too.

The only reason I can see this being a problem is if you have big issues that you feel the need to discuss and he is refusing to. Is this the case? If so, can you give an example?

mountainofdebt

Read 'Why men don't talk and women can't read maps'

The best relationship book I have ever read.

Bo_Nidle

you are trying to change him by making him be like you. You wouldn't change to be like him would you ?

men don't like listening to whining women who think every little bit of gossip and emotion has to be discussed at length or even atall. It does OUR heads in. Accept him for who he is as your feeble attempts at making him JUST LIKE YOU will end up breaking what you have.

CH27

You won't change him. Trying to will end in tears.

Accept him as he is or leave him.

Plans_all_plans

I have just read Bo Nidle's comment out to my husband and he's laughed and said "that's right".

puddy

but clearly the OP is finding the lack of communication is affecting their relationship. she doesnt say how, it might be that she feels uncomfortable with it, or it might be like my OH could be, he used to go off in sulks, verbally attack for unknown slights, refuse to discuss things like money or arrangements for things and it could have spelled the end of our relationship if it had continued. it was unsustainable. good relationships rely on effective communication, however that takes place

Plans_all_plans

That's right puddy, I've asked her in Post 4 if she'd be able to give us an example of the sort of things he won't communicate about. If they are big things, then we will be able to better give advice.

pigpen

Look on the bright side... he isn't moaning!!

If he was miserable/unhappy he would moan... take the lack of output as a good sign!!