Feeling a bit low...

tara747

Thanks belfastgirl23 (and the rest of you). I appreciate it.

Well, it's not looking good. I am almost 100% sure that I want out of this relationship, and I am feeling very scared indeed. Who knows if it's the right decision??? But anything has to be better than what we have at the moment. The bad times are outweighing the good tbh. I sat opposite him the other night feeling like I wanted to scream and run away. My friend has just had a baby so I am staying with her for a day or two to help out - which is keeping me busy.

I guess I feel a failure...

tara747

p.s. I was talking to a friend about this during the week, she confessed that her ex-BF once called her a c**t during a heated argument and she said that that was it for her - she dumped him immediately and never spoke to him again.

Has anyone else ever had a moment in a relationship which killed it stone dead or is it usually death by a thousand cuts like my sorry situation?

belfastgirl23

Glad you've managed to get to a place where you can do some thinking and have friends around you.

Does he know yet that things are so serious? I always think that how the other person reacts is what is the final cut...if he really fights to keep the relationship then you might want to reassess but if he also seems to agree it's over then I guess that tells you something as well. All you can do in any case is take one step at a time.

As an aside I heard yet another crazy positive story today - a much older friend of mine (i'm talking not far off 80) just hooked up with an old boyfriend whose wife died a few years ago. Though she's not sure whether he's got a bit boring in his old age but she's still dating!! so in any case there's still plenty of hope for you!

Hope the weekend helps to settle your head a bit.

Oh and well done on the weight loss as well, I have got to seriously get a grip on this myself!!

themull1

My husband left me and my two kids in January, he said he didnt love me anymore, we had grown apart.

We had been together 13 years. it nearly killed me, i was in total shock that he would actually leave, he didnt want to discuss it, he ended up going out with someone 17 years younger than me.

I'm nearly 43, with two kids that i wouldn't have had, except for the fact that he really wanted them, and ironically i'm left trying to manage as best i can.

But now, the thing i miss most is the car!! The relationship would never have worked, if he hadn't left now, it would have been at some stage in the future, and at least i've got the chance to start again.

I will never live with anyone again, but hope to have a man in my life again at some point, but not too bothered if i don't. Its hard to start with, but it does get easier as time goes on. Good luck in whatever you decide.!

happierdaystocome

Tara it took me two years to end my relationship with my ex and at the tim I pondered the question as to whether I would find somebody else, especially as I had two kids and was the wrong side of thirty but I met my OH.
Although OH and I have had our ups and downs over the past three years,(which adulty relationship doesnt) I am so glade that I took that leap of faith and left my ex.

londoner1998

tara747 wrote: »

p.s. I was talking to a friend about this during the week, she confessed that her ex-BF once called her a c**t during a heated argument and she said that that was it for her - she dumped him immediately and never spoke to him again.

Has anyone else ever had a moment in a relationship which killed it stone dead or is it usually death by a thousand cuts like my sorry situation?

HI Tara

so sorry you are things are so hard still.

I have had many, many moments with my OH when I was really hurt by things he said... i can think of two in particular.. (to do with the lack of sex life: this was two years after my dad's passing and although functioning, I was probably at my lowest and completely frozen in the department)... but we always managed to build a bridge- he has put up with a lot from me during those three years until I surfaced again (quite recently) and I have also endured hard times, mainly to do with his ex making our life hell. But if I get a sincere apology, I move on . I have learnt to do that.

In my case, I had a relisation about a year ago; a relationship doesn't have to follow the pattern that is most common. I decided that a night or two a month sleeping apart would be good, and that it is natural if we don't always feel like doing things in the standard way... since we have had a couple of situations, but I now manage them in a different way. I decided to look at my behaviour too and make a decision. The decision was that he is a man worth keeping, for all the flaws and hard times, he can go to the moon for me and I know it. So unless there was infidelity or drugs I would always try and see his side as well and put things in perspective. In long terms relationship, people change and you need to be able to navigate the changes to survice as a couple. It seems this is where you are right now.

I don't know what to say, only you know what to do- I only know that in the past, when it was over, there was no doubt, that was it for me. With my OH now, there have been many, may times when I wanted to scream and run... and I did. And then came back and talked. It might be cultural (I am continental) but feeling like that is not the end of the world anymore.

I would again advise you to take time out- speak to him and be clear, like someone said, he might not be aware how bad things are for you right now. It is then up to him of he wants to give it to you, but you need to give yourself what you need...
I woudln't do anything until you are positive you want out- you need to know how he feels too...how about those things that attracted you to him to begin with? Is there anything left? I am sure there is, but may be buried under the day to day humdrum...

tara747

Thanks for all your messages. Am still at my friend's house, spoke to OH today and asked him to move out for a bit... he is thinking about it as he doesn't want to but I said that it would be for the best. I need some space atm.

icelandic_queen

Hi tara747, I've just found your thread and I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Not much to say except if your gut is telling you that this is for the best then follow that instinct. I left a violent marriage and fled whilst he was at work but I was already feeling like you aside from the violence for quite a while. Embrace the 'new' life you are going to have and if after some time apart you manage to work things out you will be all the stonger for it and together because you want to be and not because of habit or fear of the unknown. Good luck in what you decide.

tara747

icelandic_queen wrote: »

Hi tara747, I've just found your thread and I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Not much to say except if your gut is telling you that this is for the best then follow that instinct. I left a violent marriage and fled whilst he was at work but I was already feeling like you aside from the violence for quite a while. Embrace the 'new' life you are going to have and if after some time apart you manage to work things out you will be all the stonger for it and together because you want to be and not because of habit or fear of the unknown. Good luck in what you decide.

That's exactly what I'm hoping for. A positive outcome, regardless of the outcome.

Thanks for sharing your story, and a massive hug to you. It must have taken a lot of courage to leave your marriage, I wish you all the best xoxoxo

jo91

Hey Tara
Hope you're holding up. So sorry to hear from you as the starter of this thread. I hope you can get your head round what the root cause of this is and if the solution does or does not lie within your relationship.
You posted earlier about anyone having a single point that prompted the absolute end of a relationship, I recall mine. My ex and I had limped along through 2 difficult years (root cause demands of our own young children, his older children, work, his refusal/inability to communicate etc etc !) Anyway, we went along to Relate, by which time I was about where you seem to be describing now. At one point in the session, the counsellor asked me about how I was feeling and I started crying (I had struggled to keep the relationship going and had held out some hope), but at the point I started crying he physically pulled away - moved his legs and his chair. The counsellor pointed it out to him and his response was that he thought I needed space. At which point I managed to spit out "Even a 'kin astronaut doesn't need that much space" ! Anyway, that was my moment.
I hope it doesn't come to that for you - there are so many good news stories to hear - even a forty-somehting bird like me met a wonderful man after this - and he is the most brilliant communicator and so perceptive.
Don't let fear of what may become of you hold you back - life has many surprises - and a lot of good ones mixed into it.

Take care and look after yourself.
Jo
xx