Feeling a bit low...

Sublime_2

tara747 wrote: »

I bet it was still really hard though, after all that time. Did it take you a while to decide to break up?

No, it was a relief. I felt like I was in prison. I felt controlled, and he expected perfection, I felt, which is hard when you've two small children and are by yourself 1/2 the year (he works away).

We get on again, since we broke up. I do get lonely sometimes, but I like my own company, so not a problem.

tara747

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Just popping in to see how you feel this morning - even I was awake for a while last night, that wind was crazy.

And to ask, do you think your feelings for someone else are a cause or a symptom of what's going on with your BF? Are those feelings causing you to be dissatisfied or are you sort of indulging them to keep the pain at bay.

Lutz makes about a million good points above as well

Hope things are a little brighter this morning...

No, I think I can separate the two. My unhappiness in the relationship began before I developed feelings for this other guy, and even if he didn't exist, I would still feel like this.

Re how I feel today - tired, but posting here last night definitely helped. It was scary just to put it all into words. Now I can't get it out of my head. I am scared of the future if we break up but perhaps I should also focus on the positives (is it too early?).

Sublime wrote: »

No, it was a relief. I felt like I was in prison. I felt controlled, and he expected perfection, I felt, which is hard when you've two small children and are by yourself 1/2 the year (he works away).

We get on again, since we broke up. I do get lonely sometimes, but I like my own company, so not a problem.

Good for you. It sounds like you did the right (but difficult) thing and have come through it.

Here's a tricky question. Do you wish you had broken up before you had the children, or are you glad that you had them, even though you're not with your ex OH any more?

balletshoes

Hi Tara,

Realistically speaking if you're in your 30s you probably do have 10 years yet for finding the right father for your children and having kids with him .

If you are not happy in the relationship, and there is nothing you or he can do to fix it, then its not going to get any better is it? Its only going to get worse when the demands of children come into the picture.

Have you always been in a relationship, with little or no time on your own? Is that why you're afraid of breaking it off? You might very well find it liberating to have complete freedom to do what you want when you want, without having to consider anyone else's opinions or feelings.

Yes it will be hard making that move to split up, you've been together for a long time. But if its not right, and its not been right for ages, and you both know it, whats the point of staying together? No matter how great your OH is, if you're not happy together, then he's not "the one" for you and you're not "the one" for him (I don't believe there is a "one" anyway, but thats a whole other subject).

Is it the relationship thats making you unhappy, or is it something else? Can you pinpoint what it is?

belfastgirl23

It's never too early to try to think positively IMHO!

londoner1998

tara747 wrote: »

I know that she is probably the exception, but that is still a nice anecdote, I appreciate it.

Sorry for being so pathetic, I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But all your kind words are helping enormously, thank you.

Hey Tara

So sorry you are going through a bad time. I don't know the in and outs of your situation but I get a difficult time once in a year or so- it is normal in long terms relationships- I guess the key questions are: do you love him? Because if you do, it is worth giving a it a go- a bit of time apart doesn't have to mean moving out- may be just breaking the rotuine a bit-in my case, it means not texting every day around lunch time- he is busy at work and doesn't enjoy it when I call/text if he is int he middle of something and I have no pressing matter he can help with. If we have been arguing, I just try and give myself more time- go to the cinema, phone a friend, just give him som space to cool off. Then talk about it, in a honest and calm way (as much as possible)

Do you know how he feels? What is the real issue here? You say you are making each other miserable but not what this means... do you feel bored/ neglected/stuck? SDoes he feel like this? It might be you just need to re-evaluate your relationship and common priorities...

You'll notice I don't mention age- and that is because I think it is irrelevant, what is important how how happy you both are- you need to know what you want and need, and the same for him and find out whether you still enjoy each other. May be some lifestyle changes are needed...
You sound upset at the propect of splitting up, so I think it is worth exploring what you can do before calling it off forever...

I hope things are bit clearer today...
Ax

tara747

balletshoes wrote: »

Hi Tara,

Realistically speaking if you're in your 30s you probably do have 10 years yet for finding the right father for your children and having kids with him .

If you are not happy in the relationship, and there is nothing you or he can do to fix it, then its not going to get any better is it? Its only going to get worse when the demands of children come into the picture.

Have you always been in a relationship, with little or no time on your own? Is that why you're afraid of breaking it off? You might very well find it liberating to have complete freedom to do what you want when you want, without having to consider anyone else's opinions or feelings.

Yes it will be hard making that move to split up, you've been together for a long time. But if its not right, and its not been right for ages, and you both know it, whats the point of staying together? No matter how great your OH is, if you're not happy together, then he's not "the one" for you and you're not "the one" for him (I don't believe there is a "one" anyway, but thats a whole other subject).

Is it the relationship thats making you unhappy, or is it something else? Can you pinpoint what it is?

Hi, and thanks for your post.

In answer to your question, I have had periods of singledom/freedom, I've had two LT relationships, including this one, and a few shorter ones (of a few months each) with gaps in between. This may or may not be a factor in my reluctance to break up, but I initiated the breakup of my first LT relationship and bitterly regretted it afterwards. Maybe I fear that I will regret this too.

I don't know what it is that's making me unhappy, but I think it's mostly our relationship. Really. We have happy times and a good laugh as well, but the bad times are bad. He can be petty, detached and nasty sometimes. And he isn't a good communicator - he tends to shut down and not talk about stuff, which is the kiss of death for a relationship imho.

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hey Tara

So sorry you are going through a bad time. I don't know the in and outs of your situation but I get a difficult time once in a year or so- it is normal in long terms relationships- I guess the key questions are: do you love him? Because if you do, it is worth giving a it a go- a bit of time apart doesn't have to mean moving out- may be just breaking the rotuine a bit-in my case, it means not texting every day around lunch time- he is busy at work and doesn't enjoy it when I call/text if he is int he middle of something and I have no pressing matter he can help with. If we have been arguing, I just try and give myself more time- go to the cinema, phone a friend, just give him som space to cool off. Then talk about it, in a honest and calm way (as much as possible)

Do you know how he feels? What is the real issue here? You say you are making each other miserable but not what this means... do you feel bored/ neglected/stuck? SDoes he feel like this? It might be you just need to re-evaluate your relationship and common priorities...

You'll notice I don't mention age- and that is because I think it is irrelevant, what is important how how happy you both are- you need to know what you want and need, and the same for him and find out whether you still enjoy each other. May be some lifestyle changes are needed...
You sound upset at the propect of splitting up, so I think it is worth exploring what you can do before calling it off forever...

I hope things are bit clearer today...
Ax

I would so love some time to myself though - even a weekend or a week. I think that I need some space to think about what I really want, and I'm not going to get that while living in the same house as him!

Funny you should mention texting at lunchtimes - I have an occasional habit of ringing/texting OH at lunchtime just to chat about nothing in particular! Maybe it annoys him, maybe I should back off... who knows? Food for thought anyway.

I agree that talking about it in an honest and open away would be good. The problem is that he often won't talk. It is so upsetting when he just cuts me off and refuses to talk. What do I do in those situations??

Do I know how he feels? Not really. When he is feeling annoyed at me, he tends to lash out (verbally) or give me the silent treatment. I am willing to talk and work it out, and see if we still have something, but if he's not, then I have to make the decision on my own.

I am upset at the prospect of splitting up, but I need to work out whether that's about losing HIM or no longer being one half of a couple.

londoner1998

tara747 wrote: »

Hi, and thanks for your post.

In answer to your question, I have had periods of singledom/freedom, I've had two LT relationships, including this one, and a few shorter ones (of a few months each) with gaps in between. This may or may not be a factor in my reluctance to break up, but I initiated the breakup of my first LT relationship and bitterly regretted it afterwards. Maybe I fear that I will regret this too.

I don't know what it is that's making me unhappy, but I think it's mostly our relationship. Really. We have happy times and a good laugh as well, but the bad times are bad. He can be petty, detached and nasty sometimes. And he isn't a good communicator - he tends to shut down and not talk about stuff, which is the kiss of death for a relationship imho.



I would so love some time to myself though - even a weekend or a week. I think that I need some space to think about what I really want, and I'm not going to get that while living in the same house as him!

Funny you should mention texting at lunchtimes - I have an occasional habit of ringing/texting OH at lunchtime just to chat about nothing in particular! Maybe it annoys him, maybe I should back off... who knows? Food for thought anyway.

I agree that talking about it in an honest and open away would be good. The problem is that he often won't talk. It is so upsetting when he just cuts me off and refuses to talk. What do I do in those situations??

Do I know how he feels? Not really. When he is feeling annoyed at me, he tends to lash out (verbally) or give me the silent treatment. I am willing to talk and work it out, and see if we still have something, but if he's not, then I have to make the decision on my own.

I am upset at the prospect of splitting up, but I need to work out whether that's about losing HIM or no longer being one half of a couple.

Hi Tara-
my OH is like that too- he just clams up and it is impossible to talk... therefore, very hard to resolve anything. I found that putting it in writing helps. I don't know if is a man thing (and I don't believe in stereotypes, but some men find communicating about emotions harder) or just your OH and mine, but I know mine finds it very hard to speak about certains subjects - ie, me being unhappy. He says he 'doesn't have the words' and I know he means it literally. I had to develop the skills to communicate effectivey wih him, and that nvolved givign him time, listening and trying to keep the emotional outbrusts out of the picture. It works much better now- he gives me the silent treatmen or shouts, I tell him quietly and when he is ready to talk, and not shout, I am very happy to talk and move forward. After 8 years of relationship, I found that giving him (and myself) a bit of space helps. I realised that most of my life revolved around him and came to rely on him a little bit too much after the death of my dad (not his fault). I had to take a step back.

I think you need to find out what he feels, becasue it sounds as if he is pushing you into not talking about it (and I know, I have been there and it is very painful). I would go for a written letter making it clear you want to talk and find out what's going on, leaving the door open. See how it goes. Another option (and I have done this too) is to get some counselling to explore your issues in a comfortable setting with someone impartial- you might find out it is not the relationship, or that may be an aspect of the relationship is making you unhappy. Either way, I think it is a process that can teach you a lot and give you the confidence to make your choices.

It could be that you just need to re-set your priorities and perhaps consider whether you can love him even though he has areas he needs to work on- no one is perfect and I learnt that although my OH has some problems in the emotional communication area and we have some very different opinions in several areas, I can live with it and work with him, becasue he really cares and so do I. Time changes peopel too, and I found this out after my dad's passing and the three years of bereavement- I am a different person now but the transition was very difficult and alsmot split us apart.

Whatever you decide, take your time and take care of yourself.

Ax

belfastgirl23

How are things going now Tara?

tara747

Not so great, sorry I haven't been on, will update soon xo

belfastgirl23

Just letting you know you aren't alone Good luck!