Marriage support needed please

pokerpad

I'm not saying he's the same, and it's also not something I'm proud of at all, but in a previous relationship, sex got more and more rare and I didn't feel much desire from her and we spent less and less time together.

I started sending e-mails to a couple of girls - flirty ones - but nothing would have ever gone any further than that and I still loved my gf at the time.

He probably just enjoyed the buzz but I would be likely to believe he still loves you and nothing else happened. Not that that makes it right of course...

I hope it works out OK.

Pee

I think you are both being very grown up by trying to effectively cover this up just until your sons exams are over. Is it an option for you to have some time together to discuss this during that time? Would Relate help? I think you will feel better for a proper discussion of it. Statistically more than 50% of marriages survive an affair and the more I know about people in long term relationships - just by getting older - the commoner I realise it is.

I have a very good friend, male, who i respect and admire and was rocked to find out that in the past he had been unfaithful to his wife. The more I thought about this, the more I realised I was shocked because I know how much he loves and appreciates her, for good reason, and it's completely out of character and also because they have such a stable and happy relationship - I know them very well and have stayed with them for prolonged periods, so I know it's not perfect, that they can both annoy the other and have an argument about stuff, but basically they have a lot of love and respect for one another and I really believe that it will be until death with them.
I have to admit before this I always thought a relationship where one party had cheated - and of course your OH says he hasn't -would be broken, but it doesn't have to be that way if you can rebuild the trust. That will be partly down to you and partly down to him. I hope that he deserves you and that if you want to sort it out that you both can and that this makes you stronger.

elaine12022

him texting this girl is to me a symptom of something else, even of a mid life crisis type thing..I hope you can work things through, 17 years is a long time together..

You may find some info on this site helpful, it is a different way of being intimate with each other (in a non threatening way)..yes, the last thing you probably feel like right now I know. I have a previous version of the book on the site and it has a structured way of being intimate that may be helpful.

http://www.reuniting.info/

ssedd

Hi
I hope all works out ok. I found out my wife was texting someone not long ago and eventually found out it was more even though she had denied anything else was going on. We are still together, I have moved back in with her after moving out for a while and decided I still wanted to be with her.
I hope it turns out that he hasnt been up to anything else. You need to decide if you still want to be with him now that he has broken the trust that you both had. It took me a while but I decided I did; I cant say its easy though and still have paranoid moments even though I know nothing is going on. I hope it all works out for the best with you.

flutterby_lil

Hello bugbabe, how are things going?

Sending lots of love and positivity your way x

have-hope

Awful situation for you to be in and I hope you can get through it. Your hubby seems to be engaging in an emotional affair which can feel more difficult than a physical affair as he has obviously formed an attachment to the other woman.

Typically people say that they must have been something wrong with the relationship for an affair to start but more recently its understood that some people are more vulnerable to affairs - such when life is stressful, when there is major change etc. This is what your husband needs to understand and open up about. This affair is most likely to be about HIM (rather than anything you have done or are doing).
Maybe he is feeling like life is passing him by but he does have a choice about how to deal with it. He can choose to conduct an affair and leave his family or work on the issues that he has.

A book that's might be useful is Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It may help you understand why affairs start and what your husband needs to do to help you recover from this.

Hagar_uk

bugbabe1970 wrote: »

DS4215 wrote: »

What were the contents of the txt messages? - were they inappropriate (sexual or loving) or just friendly chat that got carried away?

I didnt see any of the messages. He had deleted them all. I got suspicious because he started carrrying his phone everywhere with him and he had locked it. So i looked at the phone bill and was devastated to see he has been txting her up to 40/50 times a day for the last 5 weeks. I think that more then friendship really.

My story..

My ex would totally disagree, texting between friends in normal, and innocent, and any one suggesting otherwise is just trying to control her, she needs her friends

The person she is texting, an ex girlfriend, well its a small town, and if you can't keep friends with your exs you won't have many friends.

The texts are of a sexual nature, its its just harmless flirting, you knew what i was like when we got together, it means nothing

Something I read indicates something had got further than it should.
It was a one off. it was friendship thing that got too far.

Roll on to now, we split up and and ex is still having a relationship with her, but its all my fault apparently.

---

Moral of my story, I wish I had been togher at the the start, its all innocent thing was bull, and I was a mug, we once even whent to a friends house, who was in bad coverage area, and her friend at that time, got arsey with her, with not replying. If you go head on like you have, maybe you can stop something else from happening.

Like you I noticed phone usage differences, she was paranoid, about her phone being left around, around me she knew I Knew, and would either make a point of not texting, or make an obvious fake comment it was from someone else, and then always take the phone with, to the bathroom, out for a fag etc.

Do I feel like a big fool now

globetraveller

Are you worrying if anything has happened whilst you have been apart?
Even if the worst has happened you can still both get through it if its what you both want. The fact that he is not dismissing it and he is telling you how he feels in the relationship now is actually a good thing. Covering it all up would be the worst that he could do.
You can't make a decision immediately. This needs time to sort through and everything needs to be talked and talked through.
Of course in the end there needs to be trust and if its irretrievable then there is no point in continuing( but picking the time when its least going to affect your children).
I really feel for you right now. Good luck and give yourself permission to cry.

scooby088

When you think you text over phone and start having a conversation you can quite easily use that many texts a day, i know from experience that you can do it so i wouldn't read anything into that just yet, what if it had been a male colleague would you have been so suspicious? As for keeping and locking his phone i know this is very suspicious but then again i sometimes do it not that i have anything to hide which i haven't, but i also delete messages after i have read and replied to them, does this mean i am having an affair of course it doesn't.

Errata

So it's quite normal to text a work colleague 40 times a day? Pity the poor worker who has half a dozen work colleagues, because some of them will have to be left un-texted or the person will have precious little time left to do any work if they treat them all to 40 texts a day.