Marriage support needed please

McKneff

Dont forget to keep coming back, even if its just to rant.............

bugbabe1970

Morning all

Thankyou all for your replies and support.

My husband is due back from his dads today, having been there since friday morning. We have txt each other a few times back anf fore and we spoke yesterday morning. He said he has told his dad everything but I am still in the dark.

He is still saying he loves me and doesnt want to leave but that he doesnt know what he wants. Im hurt, angry, numb. Ive just about manged to hold it together this weekend at taken good care of my children and I had an evening in my girlfriends house last night where the four of us laughed and cried together. One of my friends is going through a similar thing at the moment and the other is in a marriage that "survived" an affair 10 years ago. Ive turned into a man hater!! Something I thought I would never be!

He wtill says there was no affair and that they were only friends. So If I want to move on then i have to believe him. There has been no contact with her since i found out last sunday (apart from work - killer)
So I am hoping that its over.

I dont know how I am feeling at the moment. I love him and laways will but at the moment i can not see a future for us. THe first time in 17 years that I have felt like this and Im devastated. But I have to think of my children at the moment. My son is in the middle of his GCSEs and I am not going to let anything interefere with that. We will both just have to put our feelings aside for the next month (easier said than done I know) and then see how we both feel.

Im going to go through the thread now and try and answer some of ur questions. dont know how to do it in a block so will go through them seperately.

Thankyou all again. It has really helped me to talk x

bugbabe1970

DS4215 wrote: »

What were the contents of the txt messages? - were they inappropriate (sexual or loving) or just friendly chat that got carried away?

I didnt see any of the txts. He deleted them all. So he was oviously hiding something. Just found out the extent of the txting from looking at the bill x

bugbabe1970

Errata wrote: »

TBH if my OH was txting someone 40 times a day, I'd be more worried about his OCD than him playing away.

Errata: Ive thought about that. From the frequency of the txtin it almost looks as if he was stalking her lol!

bugbabe1970

pokerpad wrote: »

Obivously feel free not to answer this, but are you still close sexually, and do you still show/tell him how much you love him? (before all this started obviously).

Like any marriage our sexual relatonship has had its ups and downs (no pun intended). We have always had a very touchy feely relationship and things have been different lately and we have probably only been intimate a handfull of time in the last couple of months. Although i noticed we were a bit distant I jsu put it down to the strains and stresses of life. Two of my best friends have lost their fathers in the last month and I have been finishing my dissertation. He also has a very stressfull job. I work away from home 3 nights a week too x

Angela

barbiedoll wrote: »

Oh god, he sounds as though he's having a bit of a mid-life crisis and his colleague is happy to help him through it. :mad:

Of course he doesn't "love" you in the same way as he did when you first met, no-one feels the same after 18 years. Love changes, we all know that, no relationship keeps that early thrill, we'd all be dead from starvation if it did!

What he is feeling is that little rush of blood when he receives the texts, it's probably not that the colleague is anything special, it's just that it's forbidden and he feels excited because he's doing something that he shouldn't. He doesn't sound as though he is the cheating type, from what you say, this is the first time that he has done anything stupid like this. Like most of us, he probably feels that life is passing him by and a silly flirtation like this can liven up the day. The fact that you caught him means that it didn't go any further but also possibly means that he wanted to get caught, if only subconciously. I'm sure that if he really wanted to keep it secret, he would have bought another phone and you would have been none the wiser.

I'm sure that you are devastated, it's losing that trust that is the worst. As for not loving you in the same way, I guess that you will never be able to love him quite so unconditionally as before, you should point this out to him. And I don't want to worry you further but are you absolutely sure that he will be at his dad's this weekend? I don't suppose he has taken any of the kids with him, he will have a nice quiet weekend to get his head together while you're left holding the babies? Do you have anyone to speak to whilst he is away? It sounds as though you could do with a little support yourself, even if it's just someone to babysit while you go and get drunk with a mate.

Much as I would love to tell you to go and smack the colleague in the face, you are best to ignore her. If she is a troublemaker, why acknowledge her at all? It will be what she wants. If she has just been stupid and wants to move on, then fair enough, hopefully she has learned her lesson. But you and OH need to talk and when he comes back, stop the crying and speak to him like the strong woman that you are. Let him know exactly what you expect from him, let him know that boredom is not an excuse to behave badly. If he doesn't want to be married any more, he will have to be a man and say so. But if he does, he needs to grow up and behave like a husband and father. You should maybe think about asking him to change his job too, I can't see you being able to put this behind you if he is still seeing her every day at work. Do all of your crying while he is away, write down what you want to say to him and don't let him see that you are devastated, let him know that you expect better from him if he wants the marriage to continue.

I wish you both well, I would hate to see 18 years thrown away because of a stupid texting fling. Hopefully, he will see what a prat he's been, and you will find it in your heart to forgive him. Take care xx

What a brilliant post very very helpful,sound advice and well put.

bugbabe1970

Angela wrote: »

What a brilliant post very very helpful,sound advice and well put.

Angela i totally agree with you. Ive had lots of good advice and am so grateful

bugbabe1970

So hes due home this afternoon. I sat down this morning and wrote him a letter and tried to be as honest as possible, about everything. I wasnt accusing and havent blamed it all on him. I know im not perfect either and we both have to look at ourselves if we want our marriage to survive this. I dont want to cry anymore and I have to be strong for my children but I knew I wouldnt be able to tell him everything i wanted to without breaking down.

So when he comes home I will be fine. I will make it fine for my children and we can both take the next couple of weeks (while my son is doing his exams) to decide what we both want. Its going to be so hard but ive got to do it.

Errata

You know what? It's ok to break down, have a good howl and then immediately continue the discussion with him. He needs to see how upset you are. Good communication is verbal turn taking, not txting and writing letters to each other (don't mean to seem harsh, that's the reality). Good luck, thrash it out and tough it out with the few minutes crying and then carrying on talking.

balletshoes

Errata wrote: »

You know what? It's ok to break down, have a good howl and then immediately continue the discussion with him. He needs to see how upset you are. Good communication is verbal turn taking, not txting and writing letters to each other (don't mean to seem harsh, that's the reality). Good luck, thrash it out and tough it out with the few minutes crying and then carrying on talking.

you don't have to get it all out in one big rush of words either - if what you have to say/what you hear him say is upsetting, get upset, go stick the kettle on/get the wine out the fridge, and then when you can talk again, get back to saying what you need him to hear.