Marriage support needed please

bugbabe1970

I couldnt go into the workplace as it is a small comuunity school and i didnt want to cause a scene.

My husband and i have talked and talked over the last 4 days, im exhausted and havent stopped crying, all he keeps saying is sorry for hurting me and he doesnt want to hurt me any more and that he loves me and wont leave me but he doesnt feel the same as he used to.

Perfect timimng too. My eldest is just sitting his GCSEs! Think hes oblivious to it all though to be honest.

Plans_all_plans

I'm not defending him but it's hard to live so far away from family and friends. If he's a sociable sort really then having just you for company may have become too little. I think you need to decide whether you believe it was physical or not/emotional or not/just friendship before you decide on your next step.

If he says he is feeling a bit isolated, does he have any hobbies where he could make friends?

ETA: what about marriage counselling?

Errata

TBH if my OH was txting someone 40 times a day, I'd be more worried about his OCD than him playing away. On a practical note, get away for the weekend and thrash it out even if it means a series of mini rows because it sounds like you both need to clear the air and agree where you stand.

Tropez

bugbabe1970 wrote: »

I didnt see any of the messages. He had deleted them all. I got suspicious because he started carrrying his phone everywhere with him and he had locked it. So i looked at the phone bill and was devastated to see he has been txting her up to 40/50 times a day for the last 5 weeks. I think that more then friendship really.

Has he admitted to you then that there was anything untoward with these messages? 40/50 might seem a high amount to some but I know people who can rabbit on forever in text messages, particularly if they're sharing jokes, or if they're the ones that send semi-pointless messages containing just a few characters such as "K" or "lol".

It is a rarity for me, but there have been the odd occasions where I've sent several hundred messages in a month to a female friend or work colleague. There's nothing more than friendship and just idle chit chat to them. I think the difference in my situation is that my partner sees my bills anyway as she occasionally makes work calls from my phone and needs to keep her records up to date.

pokerpad

Obivously feel free not to answer this, but are you still close sexually, and do you still show/tell him how much you love him? (before all this started obviously).

zzzLazyDaisy

I am sorry if this sounds harsh - but you might have been happy, but he clearly was not. Feelings don't just change that quickly.

Also if she is a work colleague and he has been texting her 40 times a day - AND he see her at work? That is a lot contact, and in my view, goes beyond friendship, there is clearly an emotional connection between them, even if it is just infatuation.

Hopefully now she knows that you know, she will back off in the hope of saving her own marriage. If she (hopefully) dumps him, he may well be devastated. If you want to save your marriage you will need to be strong enough to acknowledge that he is hurting give him room to get over it, as well as doing what you can to rebuild the relationship you once had. It is possible to get past this - after all it is not as if he has had a full blown affair (tho he may well have been on the brink of it) but you have to want to get past this, and you have to be strong enough for both of you.

Of course that's unfair. Of course you are devastated and angry. Of course you want to lash out at him - and her. But if you want to have a chance at saving your marriage you have to play the long game and let him know how much you love him and value him (assuming you still do).

NickyBat

Unless i've got the wrong end of the stick i can't understand why he is using the excuse that he has no friends in the area when you have lived there for 17 years, why has he not made any?

It's good he is ashamed it does show he cares, but then i also think he is going to say that as he has been caught, how long and how far would it have gone if he hadn't been caught?

You can get past this once the shock has worn off - if you want to, i knew a couple where the man had had an affair for 8 years and they did get back on track - maybe in a different way to before, but they went on to have a happy marriage for 20 years until one of them died.

If you believe what he has told you - that nothing has happened - it could be a case of her just showing him some attention, and lets be honest everyone feels flattered at getting a bit of attention even if you do nothing about it.

barbiedoll

Oh god, he sounds as though he's having a bit of a mid-life crisis and his colleague is happy to help him through it. :mad:

Of course he doesn't "love" you in the same way as he did when you first met, no-one feels the same after 18 years. Love changes, we all know that, no relationship keeps that early thrill, we'd all be dead from starvation if it did!

What he is feeling is that little rush of blood when he receives the texts, it's probably not that the colleague is anything special, it's just that it's forbidden and he feels excited because he's doing something that he shouldn't. He doesn't sound as though he is the cheating type, from what you say, this is the first time that he has done anything stupid like this. Like most of us, he probably feels that life is passing him by and a silly flirtation like this can liven up the day. The fact that you caught him means that it didn't go any further but also possibly means that he wanted to get caught, if only subconciously. I'm sure that if he really wanted to keep it secret, he would have bought another phone and you would have been none the wiser.

I'm sure that you are devastated, it's losing that trust that is the worst. As for not loving you in the same way, I guess that you will never be able to love him quite so unconditionally as before, you should point this out to him. And I don't want to worry you further but are you absolutely sure that he will be at his dad's this weekend? I don't suppose he has taken any of the kids with him, he will have a nice quiet weekend to get his head together while you're left holding the babies? Do you have anyone to speak to whilst he is away? It sounds as though you could do with a little support yourself, even if it's just someone to babysit while you go and get drunk with a mate.

Much as I would love to tell you to go and smack the colleague in the face, you are best to ignore her. If she is a troublemaker, why acknowledge her at all? It will be what she wants. If she has just been stupid and wants to move on, then fair enough, hopefully she has learned her lesson. But you and OH need to talk and when he comes back, stop the crying and speak to him like the strong woman that you are. Let him know exactly what you expect from him, let him know that boredom is not an excuse to behave badly. If he doesn't want to be married any more, he will have to be a man and say so. But if he does, he needs to grow up and behave like a husband and father. You should maybe think about asking him to change his job too, I can't see you being able to put this behind you if he is still seeing her every day at work. Do all of your crying while he is away, write down what you want to say to him and don't let him see that you are devastated, let him know that you expect better from him if he wants the marriage to continue.

I wish you both well, I would hate to see 18 years thrown away because of a stupid texting fling. Hopefully, he will see what a prat he's been, and you will find it in your heart to forgive him. Take care xx

balletshoes

The telling thing for me OP is that you said you got suspicious because your OH starting locking his phone and keeping it with him at all times etc - so he knew from the minute he started doing that, that he was doing something sneaky that you wouldn't like to find out about.

He says he still loves you and won't leave you, and he says he's ashamed of himself. Well thats a start. Is it enough? Only you can decide that - and you both have to be really honest with each other. Tell him exactly how you feel, if you've always been able to talk about your feelings to each other in the past, you should still be able to. In your shoes I'd also be asking OH to tell me whats changed, why does he think he couldn't love you again the way he loved you before?

My personal feeling about texting/phoning/messaging another person outside of your relationship is that if you're spending a lot more time communicating with the other person compared to your partner, somethings up.

bugbabe1970

Oh my gosh Thankyou all so much for your replies. I haven't got time to post properly at the moment but I just want to thank you all for ur support. Will try and reply later on tonight. Thanks again x x