not happy but don't know what to do (sorry, long)

scooby088

No one makes the OP to excess as she did say she was about 6 stone over weight, her OH didn't force feed her. She has only herself to blame as i have said in my earlier post i would've left years ago. We can all empathise in one way or another but the OP doesn't help herself, we only ever hear one side of the story here and that is how the OP feels. What i said may not have helped the OP in anyway at all but that is what a public forum is for you get all sorts of replies.

whitewing

I have just reread the initial post as I thought maybe I had misread it before. But I honestly can't see from the rereading that your relationship is going to last long term when you're saying that you don't understand why people at his work like him. That's a fundamental lack of belief in your partner??

daviecol

bedazzled_and_bemused wrote: »

I have been feeling very low the last couple of days, but you guys have made me realise that things could be worse, i could be bitter like some of you.

Like I said, you sound awful.

Gigervamp

daviecol wrote: »

Like I said, you sound awful.

And you're just nasty.

Miss_Ellie_F

I have been in a similar position in the past and I stayed because I was too scared to leave. In the end, my ex cheated on me and then left me, leaving me in debt and very much alone. You really need to get some help to get strong so that you can make a balanced decision that is right for you.

I think that the first thing you need to do is to go and see your GP and get referred to a counsellor for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) because you need to work on your self esteem and assertiveness. I completely understand how you feel at the moment and I think that the negativity you portray is a reflection of those feelings, rather than because you are a 'nasty' person.

I can't say whether you should stay or leave - now is not the time for you to make that decision. I think that some help with assertiveness, self esteem/self confidence and a look at your mood will help you to gain a better perspective than anyone else can give you.

CBT is not a long process and you will find that you make changes quite quickly so don't feel that you will be stuck feeling like this indefinitely. It will help with things like the weight loss, the motivation to tidy your flat as well as rebuilding/leaving the relationship. If you are anything like me, then the weight is a symptom of your low mood, not a cause - i.e. tackling the weight won't make you feel good about yourself, you need to start feeling good about yourself and then you will be able to lose the weight.

You are not a bad person, you just need a little help and support and there is no shame in asking for that help - its hard to make that first step but I promise you will never regret it.

I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you.

E

caelshorn

OP I have been in what sounds like a similar situation. Met at uni, stayed together for 8 years. By year 8 we were just too used to how things were. You can't like your OH everyday, and I was kind of fond of mine, but I didn't love him. I was terrified of starting over at 29. I tried lots of things to "make it work", it's not as if I just threw in the towel. He did nothing to indicate he wanted things to improve. Lots of people are cowards. Rather than saying "I don't want this anymore" they waste lots of time waiting for the other person to "get the message". I'm not saying that's the case, but why wait to find out?

There's obviously lots of things on your mind adding to your unhappiness. I don't think I had a lightbulb moment. But I did eventually get help with what turned out to be depression. Then I felt better & started doing things _I_ liked, on my own. It built my confidence, cos there wasn't always someone at my side talking me down (yea, as a joke, but it's only funny the first few times, then it starts to grate) and I felt free to be me, like I was inside, and like I was all those years ago.

After a while it just became obvious that we didn't even have a relationship to save. Yes, it was messy right at the end (what break up isn't?) but I got over it and within a year was happier than I had thought possible.

I hope you find the strength to do something for yourself. Not housework. That doesn't count. Something you used to do, or always thought about doing. Try it. See what happens. You might surprise yourself.

onlyroz

If you want the relationship to work (and you need to think carefully about whether this is what you actually want) then there are a few things you need to do.

Stop acting like his mother. If he's late into work wearing a crumpled shirt then that's his problem. Maybe a few reprimands from his boss is what he needs to kick him into action. Buy him a loud alarm clock and stop hassling him about going to bed late.

Don't run yourself ragged tidying the flat. If you can afford it then get a cleaner. If you can't afford it then designate "tidy zones" - e.g. keep the kitchen/living room tidy, but let him have the bedroom in as much mess as he wants. That's what I do - our ground floor is split in two - I do my best to keep one half spotless, so that hubby and the kids can make mess in the other half as they please. Then I can retreat into the tidy half if the mess threatens to overwhelm me.

You need to sort out the debt and *both* of your spending problems. You need a serious adult conversation with your partner about your outgoings. I'd suggest doing a budget and allocating each of you a set amount of money each month for "pocket money" to be spent on whatever you like. Each of you should put a set amount each month towards paying off the debt.

Regarding losing weight - try joining something like weight watchers, which seems to be a fairly sensible way of losing weight gradually. You also need to fit some exercise into your daily routine. Don't stress yourself with hours and hours in the gym. I'd suggest fitting something into your normal routine like walking/cycling to work, and maybe going for a 30 min swim a few times a week. You need to give yourself achievable targets regarding your weight and exercise routine, and when you meet the targets you'll feel so much better (and healthier) which will give you the motivation to continue.