not happy but don't know what to do (sorry, long)

POPPYOSCAR

Can't find anything in your post that says you love each other.

pozalina

OP, I don't think your oh will change either. Sarahevie says her OH had a lightbulb moment, he didn't. He just changed what it was HE wantd - still all selfish. The ps3 incident proves he is still the same immature, selfish sod he was years before.

If you can accept that he won't change then you can decide if you want to be in the same position in 15 years time when it really will be too late (I'm thinking of children etc). I am convinved that if you left him all these self-esteem issues and weight problem would start to solve themselves. At the moment you don't like him, you don't like yourself and life just sounds miserable .

Hope you decide to do something different.

daviecol

I don't think you should leave him at all, you sound as bad as him. Your worried he loses his job because you'll loose your dream flat? What's that all about?

You both sound awful, you deserve each other. Why separate and make two other people miserable?

CheeseCat

sarahevie wrote: »

I disagree that you necessarily have to leave him.

sarahevie wrote: »

I think too many people give up too easily now.

:eek: Is your post supposed to make the OP feel better? Sarahevie you deserve so much more respect than this I am sure!

Basically OP Sarah's post should make you realise that your OH isn't going to change so you have to decide what you want.

I can't believe anyone would think its right to put up with having zero respect like this

geri1965_2

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Can't find anything in your post that says you love each other.

Exactly what I was going to say.

My OH drives me round the bend sometimes, but he is my best friend and I can't imagine being without him. Sounds like the OP doesn't even liker her OH, let alone love him.

Time to get out and stand on her own two feet, and maybe then each party can find someone they are better suited to.

bedazzled_and_bemused

Thanks for all your replies

In response to those asking about whether I like/love him. He has been my best friend for over 8 years. He was my best friend before we got together. I have always felt that he would be there for me. I do love him, and he loves me. I just don't like him very much sometimes. Don't get me wrong, we have fun times. We go on trips, out for meals, out with friends. In fact we have something planned for every weekend between now and the end of July. I don't have a sad little life chained to the kitchen sink whilst he plays on his computer 24/7. It just feels like it sometimes.

I am feeling very low at the moment, probably hormonal, have slept very badly all week, and so my post yesterday was probably more negaative than it needed to be. But yes, my boyfriend is selfish and immature and I am fed up of it.

I am so glad that some of you have given advice that isn't just "leave". I don't want to leave, I just want a life of my own. So the plan today is: funnel some of my wages into a different bank account so he can't access them to start a saving fund (or running away fund if things don't get any better!), sort out my eating and exercise plans (which I have in place, just haven't been sticking to it this week, probably why I am feeling so low), and do what I can about keeping my flat tidy. He does thank me profusely when I keep up with the housework and promise he will pull his weight, so hopefully eventually he will start.

Davie and max and everyone else who has said I have only stayed because of his money, you are wrong. The reason I have never followed through on threats to leave is twofold - because I am scared to start over, and I do not want this relationship to be over. I don't have a lot of friends, I don't have any money to start over with and I am a long long way from my family. Like I said, we have been together since uni, and we have been together with very little money previously. I do not want to leave my home as I love it, I don't think that is an unfair thing to say.

Sarahevie, thanks for offering your perspective. I do hope that you are getting more from your relationship than your post indicates, but if you are happy then that is all that matters. It is hard for anyone to tell what is really going on based on one message on an internet forum.

Thanks again everyone
BB

valk_scot

If he doesn't want to do his share of the housework and has spare cash, why not suggest that he pays for a cleaner to do his half? He could get one that irons as well. You could use the extra free time to go to the gym or something you enjoy. That would help with the feeling like an unpaid servant issues, the "I am his mother" issues and the self esteem issues. Plus would help you get fitter. And if you were'nt feeling so resentful towards him it might improve your sex life too?

elvis86

sarahevie wrote: »

I ploughed everything I had into [the house] financially and emotionally whilst he went on 'lads holidays', 'games consoles.'

Warning signs.

sarahevie wrote: »

When he found out he found an illegal abortion place, but I refused. Cue sulking for a few weeks. DD1 came, he argued with me in the delivery suite. For six months I ignored him, he was ignoring us, he went out to football (season ticket), another lads hols clubbing every weekend.

Too despicable for words, and you stayed with him?!

sarahevie wrote: »

he wanted a second child, so we've got one.

You mug.

sarahevie wrote: »

He is very selfish with money, but we each have our own, although mine goes on the kids/mortgage and his goes on himself. Last month my tenants didn't pay their rent, so I asked if he had any spare to pay the mortgage, that afternoon he went out and bought a ps3 told me it was my problem.

Good to see that it's been worth it and things are all rosy now...

sarahevie wrote: »

My daughters love their dad, and I do too:)

They don't know any better (would your eldest love daddy so much if she knew that he'd wanted mummy to illegally abort her and proceeded to ignore her for the first 6 months of her life?), and you must be insane.:cool:

Sarahevie, you obviously have a severe lack of self-esteem and self worth to stay with this guy. He sounds appalling.

The OP, on the other hand, sounds like a pretty nasty piece of work. Her OH must pick up on all of her negativity and the way that she feels about him, it must make him feel awful.:( She dislikes him enough to get angry and rant about him on the internet, but not enough to give up the financial benefits and "dream flat" that being with him facilitates...? Add into the mix that she's hypocritical (resents him spending his hard earned cash on things he would like, but admits to overspending herself in clothes), she's fat, and she's not interested in sex, and she's lucky that he hasn't left her before now!

Kate78

Effectively you have two choices - accept him for who he is or leave him.

You can't change someone else.

the_cat

It sounds to me like your low self esteem is preventing you from making a decision. Do you want to be in the same situation in 10 years time? Does he?

You appear bitter and resentful that he is popular and has a good job with the whole 'god knows why' stuff. He has moved on and you feel stagnant, fat and worthless.

Are you certain that staying only feels like the better option because splitting up would make you feel a failure in yet another way?