not happy but don't know what to do (sorry, long)

bedazzled_and_bemused

Hi everyone

I'm a long time lurker, sometime poster with a secret identity newly created to have a moan about my current situation.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, we met when we were both kids (emotionally, if not physically) at uni. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. Over the years since we left uni he has gone on to better and better things, he now has a very high paid job and is well respected (god knows how) in his company. He is very popular (again, god knows how) and generally has an awesome old life.

I am crippled by a lack of self confidence. I have a low-ish paid job, I am overweight, I have very few friends. And the majority that I do have I have doubts as to whether or not they even like me (I try to avoid thinking that, but when people ignore your texts and do things without inviting you you get a bit of a complex). I am 6 stone overweight. My flat is a tip most of the time (and yes I tried flylady, and it worked when I was only working 20 hours a week). I don't like my boyfriend very much most of the time.

I feel like his mother. I do 90% of the housework, the food shopping, the laundry, the cooking. If I don't iron him a shirt in the morning he goes in looking like he slept in it. I have to beg him to go to bed at a decent hour (which he doesn't, so I get woken up in the middle of the night) and drag him out of bed in the morning so he can get to work on time (which he never does, I am terrified he will lose his job and we will have to move from my dream flat since we couldn't afford it on my wage alone). He sits on his bum all night playing on the computer, or on the games consoles. He has no sense of responsibility. He is immature and horrible and sarcastic to everyone. He hates everything (friendly waitresses, wagamamas, pop music, children, people who walk slowly on the tube) and vocalises this at every oppourtunity. We earn a fair amount of money combined, but are about 9k in debt with no plan to pay this back. In fact it is growing because we live beyond our means and don't have a grown up budget. He says I am as bad as him, which I am not, but I do have a tendancy to buy clothes...

I am tired of living like children, always late for everything. I want to be a grown up. I want him to be a grown up. I want to have a clean flat. I want us to spend time together as a couple.

The big issue in our relationship has always been our sex life. I am a take it or leave it kinda girl (I enjoy it, but don't spend every second of every day thinking about it), he would like to have it 3 times a day. And I do try to work on it, increase the frequency and the *ahem* spicyness, but quite frankly I don't feel the inclination when he's acting like a 13 year old boy. So we've had many arguements over the years where he's threatened to end it, and I've threatened to end it, then we reach an uneasy truce where things change for a couple of weeks before we go back to square one.

If I were reading this about someone else I would think, why doesn't she leave? But 8 years is a long time. I don't know if I want to save this but apart from the whole mother thing life is pretty good. I have a nice flat (apart from the mess), we go places (mainly places he wants to go but sometimes there's stuff that's all about me), we do a lot of socialising, and the thought of starting all over again from scratch fills me with terror.

I just want him to grow up. In terms of my issues, I am determined that I will keep on top of the tidying and hope that he starts doing it himself eventually. I am trying to lose weight (not very successfully at the moment but I am trying). I just started a new job 8 weeks ago so hopefully i'll make some new friends soon. Not sure what I hope to acheive by posting this here, maybe just ranting will help.

Thanks for reading, to anyone who made it this far....

BB

jackieglasgow

8 years is a long time, but it is a third or so of your life so far, if you stay with him another ten years, it will have been HALF of your life you will have spent in a relationship which sounds to me like its over. You are unhappy, he is unhappy, you don't like him very much, you sound as if you don't like yourself very much, growing up and learning to be a strong independent woman sounds like it is exactly what you need. I know it will be hard, but you have a life to lead, and it sounds like a life as a single woman for now would be the best thing for you to find yourself.

vik6525

Eeeeek...
ok, feet first here, and Im KNOW Im going to sound harsh. But OP, you sound horrible.

'Over the years since we left uni he has gone on to better and better things, he now has a very high paid job and is well respected (god knows how) in his company. He is very popular (again, god knows how) and generally has an awesome old life'

For starters, you really dont like him much do you? With all those 'God knows hows'.....

'I do 90% of the housework, the food shopping, the laundry, the cooking. If I don't iron him a shirt in the morning he goes in looking like he slept in it. I have to beg him to go to bed at a decent hour (which he doesn't, so I get woken up in the middle of the night) and drag him out of bed in the morning so he can get to work on time'

Um, WHY???? Hes a grown man! If he wants to go to work wearing a crumpled shirt, and spend half the night playing x box, then SO WHAT?
Dont take this the wrong way, but hes not really got much to come to bed for has he? (harsh I realise, but ultimately true)


'I just want him to grow up'
It aint gonna happen hun. You're what? 26? With no kids, disposable income and no 'responsibilities'?

Hells bells, if I were in his position, Id be behaving exactly the same!

You have to make a choice. Accept that this is who he is, or leave.

bedazzled_and_bemused

Thanks for your replies, you have both echoed exactly what my internal monologue keeps saying. vik6525 it is my current plan to keep my head down, sort my own life out and let him grow up in his own time. And I appreciate what you're saying about me being horrible about him, but yes he is a very negative person who has something to say about everything, whether it's an informed opinion or not. He used to crack me up but the routine has gotten old now and it's not funny anymore. And I have a constant fear that one day they're going to realise that he's taking the !!!! with his hours at work and he'll lose his job, because then we really will be screwed.

And Jackie I know I should move on from this, but I really don't want it to be over. The thought of it breaks my heart. I laid down an ultimatum at the end of 2009 that if we weren't in a place to move on and get married within the next year then it would have to be over. That came and went and nothing happened. It's just a horrible limbo that neither of us likes but neither of us wants to end. urgh.

meritaten

YOU are not happy - he sounds like a miserable so and so outside his work. YOU act more like his housekeeper and with added sex benefits than an equal partner. You like the lifestyle, but you are increasingly becoming aware that there is a PRICE to be paid for this - and you dont want to pay any more.
So you get out. you leave hun! you find a little place you can afford and for the first time in years you are entirely responsible for your life! This scares you? it would me too! But, you need to do it - and you can. firstly, you decide you are a good person and dont deserve to live in misery. you work out your plan - find a new place, then you move yourself and your belongings there. You DONT worry about whether HE has a clean shirt to wear - you worry about whether YOU do! in other words - its time to live for YOU not him.

vik6525

bedazzled_and_bemused wrote: »

Thanks for your replies, you have both echoed exactly what my internal monologue keeps saying. vik6525 it is my current plan to keep my head down, sort my own life out and let him grow up in his own time. And I appreciate what you're saying about me being horrible about him, but yes he is a very negative person who has something to say about everything, whether it's an informed opinion or not. He used to crack me up but the routine has gotten old now and it's not funny anymore. And I have a constant fear that one day they're going to realise that he's taking the !!!! with his hours at work and he'll lose his job, because then we really will be screwed.

And Jackie I know I should move on from this, but I really don't want it to be over. The thought of it breaks my heart. I laid down an ultimatum at the end of 2009 that if we weren't in a place to move on and get married within the next year then it would have to be over. That came and went and nothing happened. It's just a horrible limbo that neither of us likes but neither of us wants to end. urgh.

From what you've written here hun, it sounds like hes exactlly the same as he's always been. Its just YOU who's changed.
Dont dwell on what HE'S doing, dwell on whats changed about you. If you can figure that out, then you're halfway there.

balletshoes

You want to change, he doesn't. And theres no reason why he should unless he wants to.

I would stop doing his housework, stop bugging him about the hours he stays up - if you want to help him, get him an alarm clock for the mornings. You're not his mum, and theres no reason on earth why you should be taking on that role. Thats no way to encourage any kind of respect from either of you towards the other.

Concentrate on you, making you feel good, living for you, because you deserve it, not for anyone else.

If you put yourself first, and stop mothering him, he's more likely to find his own way to grow up and start taking responsibility for his life. Right now he has no reason at all to be responsible, because he has you to do it all for him.

building_with_lego

This is what I needed to say, but balletshoes puts it so neatly:

balletshoes wrote: »

You want to change, he doesn't. And theres no reason why he should unless he wants to.

I would stop doing his housework, stop bugging him about the hours he stays up - if you want to help him, get him an alarm clock for the mornings. You're not his mum, and theres no reason on earth why you should be taking on that role. Thats no way to encourage any kind of respect from either of you towards the other.

Concentrate on you, making you feel good, living for you, because you deserve it, not for anyone else.

If you put yourself first, and stop mothering him, he's more likely to find his own way to grow up and start taking responsibility for his life. Right now he has no reason at all to be responsible, because he has you to do it all for him.

And then focus on one of the things that's keeping you down and change it, then another. Baby steps. Good luck

pinkmoo

The biggest thing is after 8 years.... he ain't going to change.

You don't need to have someone hanging around like this, it does nothing for your confidence and happiness.

I appreciate that after 8 years and him being your first proper boyfriend the thought of not being with him is a very scary prospect.

However like other posters have said, your young enough to move on, pick yourself up and have a happy life. However you leave it.... a year, year becomes 2, which soon becomes 5. Your then into your 30's and still in the same position.

The biggest lesson life has taught me (i'm only so still have many lessons left :rotfl:) is you and only you are responsible for your happiness. If you aren't happy then you need to change something (him!)

Pink

macchicken

It sounds to me like you have real self esteem issues, please work on those first, everything else will be so much easier if you do.

Tell your man what you want from life and your relationship, if he doesn't want the same then things will never work but you need to be brave and end the relationship if necessary, I know how hard that is to think about let alone do but it is the only way you will be happy.

Weight is such a difficult issue to deal with, try setting goals, join a weight watching group or working out once a week, then every month reward yourself and review your goals.

Friendships can be hard to maintain, try joining some groups so as you can meet people with similar interests. Book group, evening class, Zumba class, art or drama groups, try something new you might surprise yourself.

Basically what i'm saying is the best person in this world to make you happy is you! If you are happy with your self then then the rest will fall into place.

Take care and good luck!

sarahevie

I disagree that you necessarily have to leave him.

I'm in a very similar position, been with my OH 8 years (since uni) living together for nearly 4. Mine also refuses to move, so we have to live within a mile of where he's spent his whole life. He has LOTs more friends than me who are also very immature. First girlfriends at 27 etc.

We have had periods of not getting on, bought a house that was falling down at the peak of the market. I ploughed everything I had into it financially and emotionally whilst he went on 'lads holidays', 'games consoles.'

When we bought our house late 2007, I was pregnant within the month, but didn't know for 6 months. When he found out he found an illegal abortion place, but I refused. Cue sulking for a few weeks. DD1 came, he argued with me in the delivery suite. For six months I ignored him, he was ignoring us, he went out to football (season ticket), another lads hols clubbing every weekend. He was 25 so hardly a teenager.

Finally he had a lightbulb moment, wanted family life. No more football, no more clubbing, he wanted a second child, so we've got one.

He is very selfish with money, but we each have our own, although mine goes on the kids/mortgage and his goes on himself. Last month my tenants didn't pay their rent, so I asked if he had any spare to pay the mortgage, that afternoon he went out and bought a ps3 told me it was my problem.

He's with me on a lunchtime, and every night after work. I go out to the local pub with his friends and their girlfriends it's better than it was.

At times I've definitely stayed 'for the kids' but actually I've spent a third of my life with him and relationships will have their ups and downs. Since uni, we have faced negative equity, a child with an 8% chance of survival (she's doing great), a couple of close family bereavements, unplanned pregnancy, falling down house and we've come through it. My daughters love their dad, and I do too:)

My mum and dad have been married for thirty years, and could have easily thrown in the towel at times, but I think too many people give up too easily now.