not happy but don't know what to do (sorry, long)

sashadesade

There's a big difference between working to save a relationship that has potential and outright masochism. Both OP's situation and the one detailed above sound like the latter to me.

sashadesade

If you want to stop feeling like his mum, don't act like it. Let him get himself up and iron his own shirts, he's a grown man after all. You need to have a talk with him about what you both want from life, if he doesn't take you seriously then perhaps it is time to think about moving on. I'm not denying it would be hard, but you're clearly not at all happy with things as they are right now and while you can work to change yourself, you can't force someone else to change.

Saturnalia

He sounds like a spoilt toddler. And he's going to behave as one while you're there to act as mother. You've said it'd be difficult to leave him after 8 years, but it is just going to be even more difficult as the years go by, and haven't you wasted enough time on this idiot who is never going to man up and treat you as an equal?

southoftheriver

sarahevie i'm glad you are happy with your life and that your daughter is doing well. I have to say that your post made me so sad. Are you and your children not worth more than this manchild who doesn't accept his responsibilities? His being selfish with money and time is not just affecting you, it has an impact on his children as well.

We all struggle with our self esteem and I don't have children nor have I been with a partner since I was a teenager so I don't have the same perspective. But valuing yourself as an individual and believing that you deserve a basic level of respect isn't too much to ask. Of course the OP doesn't have to leave, you can stay through anything if you're beaten down enough. I stayed far too long in a relationship that I should have left because I believe that you don't leave when things get tough, you work through them. And I still believe that now, but the other person should be willing too.

Gigervamp

sarahevie wrote: »

He is very selfish with money, but we each have our own, although mine goes on the kids/mortgage and his goes on himself. Last month my tenants didn't pay their rent, so I asked if he had any spare to pay the mortgage, that afternoon he went out and bought a ps3 told me it was my problem.

Good god, that is absolutely shocking! :eek: He basically said "f..k you".
And the abortion thing too!

Agutka

sarahevie, I too am shocked. Hugs to you. I'll never complain about my OH again!

OP, I think it's time to put yourself first. Stay in this flat with him for a while, but get a life of your own. Then leave.
I have no personal experience, but if this boy of yours ever grows up, I'm pretty sure he will leave you. This is not meant as an offence, just that he will see you are not the person he started off with and if his life is all you describe he might meet someone else :eek:. You don't like the guy anyway.

Better to leave on your own terms. Take sarahevie as a warning if you must.

MiniMoo

hey,
Your post made me feel sad because you ultimately dont love and respect yourself and before anyone can love and respect you need to feel that for yourself.
I would now focus on me yes selfish, but now is the time for you. Your weight i feel is what makes you feel down and you struggle with. I was overweight and i lost 2 stone without even realising it, because i started walking everywhere to the shops to the park. As someone said above babysteps, if your not a fan of walking then maybe put some of your fave tunes on your mp3/ipod if you have one and that really helps. Eating healthy is also a must because it will make you feel alot better and in turn that will help with your self esteem.

I think you will notice a big difference in your life after you have 'found' yourself again, because it might make him wake up abit, then again it might not but it wont affect you as much because you will be a happier person and be able to deal with it better.

Good luck hun x

blue_monkey_2

I think you should stop getting him up and stop doing his shirts. If you want him to grow up then you have to stop mothering him.

If you want to change, could you join a gym? Give yourself a reason to get up in the mornings earlier than him and then you cannot dwell on what time he goes to work and in what state. Get yourself out of the house for that time. Even if to go for a walk.

Your bf sounds like my husband, has to moan about everything, he starts moaning now I switch off. I know he'll never change, he'll always be a miserable git.

As for the sex bit, it sounds like you are making an effort, but is he? It's all very well to want it 3 times a day but a miserable moaning old git is not going to do it for me either, sorry. How much effort does he put in? And if he wants to stay up all night on the computer, let him. Get him an alarm clock. And if you are asleep and he comes to bed wanting sex don't give in and give it to him, he needs to make an effort to get to bed earlier if he wants it.

I think you need to start making an effort for you, if you want a weightloss buddy then PM me, I am just embarking on one and maybe we could do it together, I don't go in for all these faddy eat nothing types, just want to eat healthily. And you need to stop mothering him, maybe find some activities for yourself.

In regards to tidying, just think of this 'don't put it down, put it away' and it clears half of the mess as you go.

CRH71

sashadesade wrote: »

There's a big difference between working to save a relationship that has potential and outright masochism. Both OP's situation and the one detailed above sound like the latter to me.

Frankly, and this is from a male perspective, I can't disagree with this statement. I'm not going to hijack this thread and go into my own circumstances but they are fairly similar to both the OP and sarahevie.

To be quite honest with you, if you are not happy in this relationship and that is before you get to the "next level" of marriage and children then you really must sit down, take a long hard look at the whole situation, but "take a step back" and try and see the situation as an outsider would, then take a view on what is best for YOU.

If there's this level of resentment in the relationship already then, I am afraid to say, that by the time marriage and children come along, and the additional strains they put on relationships at the best of times (not being negative about children - I've got 4, and don't regret a single one of them - I'm just stating it how I've experienced it) then for sure the relationship will not survive long term and you will both end up utterly miserable and this will then rub off on your children and affect them, too.

HE is an "adult" (in theory, at least). You aren't his mother, nor should you be acting like it. You are his partner, the one he chose to spend his life with, and you deserve to be treated with respect and decency. If he can't do that, and prefers to treat you as a skivvy, then he is not the man you thought he was and moving on would be entirely appropriate.

It strikes me that he could do with learning some responsibility for himself and his actions. If he can't get up in the morning, then that's HIS problem, not yours - if he's late for work, it'll be him on the end of a timekeeping disciplinary, not you. If his shirt isn't ironed, it'll be HIM falling foul of his Company's Dress Code, not you.

I fully understand that it is very, very easy for me to say any of the above, but a hundred times harder to actually put it into action as you don't want to be seen to be "the bad guy" who's split the relationship up but sometime's you've got to be cruel to be kind. Kind, in this case, to yourself. You're a young woman, and you're being treated like rubbish and it's knocking your self-esteem for six - that much is clear from your post where you're blaming yourself for the state of not only yourself but the flat, too. You work as well as him, what's wrong with him lifting a finger to assist? So, the flat's a tip? BOTH of you, work TOGETHER and clean it up - you both made the mess, after all. It's not solely YOUR responsibility to clean up after both of you!

First things first - I'd sit with him (or, if you can't sit with him and make him listen, write him a letter and leave it where he's likely to see it) and outline just how unhappy and dissatisfied you feel and, more importantly what he can do to deal with that - perhaps share more of the chores, etc., etc. Then, go and have a chat with your GP - you sound to me as though you've got depression which is in itself a very debilitating condition that affects your entire outlook on life and yourself adversely (been there, too) and a session of counselling may help you to learn some alternative thought methods that can improve your overall outlook - you're not overweight - you're depressed and you've turned to "comfort eating" which has caused your once svelte figure to become more apple-shaped than you would like. That can be undone, by changing attitudes, but attitudes cannot change if help is not sought.

It may even be the case, after discussing everything with a counsellor, that the relationship has run it's course and you've both grown apart - you got together quite young and have stayed together a long time - people change as they get older and what attracted you to each other in the beginning, and seemed endearing, can quickly become an irritant as you get older and mature more. I'm no counsellor, but I can see that there are some serious issues in this relationship that you've really got to take a view on and decide what's better for you in the longer term - do you want to willingly spend another 20,30,40 years like this? You know the answer, deep down, the same as I can see it. No.

This is now about you, and your wants and needs being taken into account. That isn't selfish - it's the mature way of dealing with a relationship. Everyone has wants and needs and the key to a fulfilling relationship is that each of you manages the other's expectations of want and need and where agreement cannot be reached, mutually-acceptable compromise is reached. That way, both parties feel valued and "part of the relationship".

*max*

Forgive me for saying this, but what I'm getting from your post is that you don't like the guy, but you're basically staying with him for his money...You're afraid of him losing his job, not because it would affect him personnally, but because you would lose the lifestyle you have become accustomed to, and that he is supporting.

Aside from the self-esteem issues, from what you have written, it's not just a few annoying habits you dislike; you clearly despise him. It's not fair to stay in a relationship with him when you don't even like him, how would he feel if he knew what you think of him? Trying to change him to suit your needs will not work. You need to have a long hard think about this, I think you owe it to yourself, and to him, to end this.