Teenage Son

scot88

shy-but-need-help wrote: »

I say go on strike too, he needs to know you're not going to keep doing everything because you plain and simple do not have the time.

I also think you need to change mindset- you seem to be looking at it like you're duty bound because you are his mom and he's a child, I think you need to start looking at it with the fact that at 17 he has less than a year before he's a legal adult. Adults shouldn't need mothering- supporting and encouraging yes, mothering, not so much.

My mom was fabulous- did absolutely everything, let my sister and I walk around like lady muck, not lifting a finger, believing fairies did the cleaning and mom was meant to cook for us (and yes, as a mother of five I now feel horrendous for treating her with such liberty) but believe me it did me NO favours at all, at 18 I had my own daughter and found myself moving out and going overnight from being motherED to being mothER and "housewife" and it was so, so hard, such a culture shock that I really wish my mom had been cruel to be kind and made us learn to stand on our own feet earlier in our teens as it was really hard to go from being pampered to having to be entirely independant with no gradual transition.

You might feel cruel sticking to your guns but in the long run you'll be doing him a favour.

(for what it's worth as a result I've taken a much more active approach to making my kids as independant as is reasonable for their ages)

Much the same for me, Mum did everything for me, then I left home at 16...HUGE ..shock..Mum wasn't there to cook/clean/tidy up etc. But I learned quickly...lol.

My brother on the the other hand is 48, has never left home and behave exactly like the OP's son.
Do try to sort things out with your son OP as you don't want to end up like my Mum.

Susan_Frost

BIRKEE is right. The only thing that will work is if things that matter to him are not done. So, speak first and lay down the rules, if he continues FROM NOW ON then you will clean up but take the time back by NOT doing his washing, ironing, meals, etc. etc.

Also, NEVER clean his room, just shut the door on it.

To leave the mess will only upset you and why should you live in a tip. But make sure when he wants to go out and his favourite shirt is still in the wash that you DONT come to the rescue. And if possible, dont explain, just say "never mind love, anyway, just popping out" and leave the house, even if it is to just go to the shop. That way he has no-one to argue with and he is left to work it out himself.

Sues48

OP, I really feel your pain as I'm going through exactly the same thing with my son, only differnce is he's 23. He was exactly the same at 16/17/18 and the rows were horrendous, to the point where it was making me ill, the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I knew he was leaving home to go to Uni. I threatened to chuck him out on several occassions, but when it came to the crunch I just couldn't do it.

Fast forward nearly 4 years, DS has graduated but with no job and no other means of supporting himself I felt I had no choice but to let him move back home. The first few weeks weren't too bad but gradually over time he has slipped back into is old ways. I have now decided to be strong and told him he must find somewhere else to live and i am going to be strong this time and follow it through, he is working so has the means to support himself.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you thought that your son doesn't respect you, I know for a fact that this is the root of the problem in our household. I wish I could advise you on how to resolve the situation but as I failed miserably I can't do that, but if at all possible try and do it sooner rather than later.

martinthebandit

To be honest he sounds fairly average for a teenager, they only seem to be able to consider the feelings of one person, but take heart, he will grow out of it, they all do, it just takes some longer than others.

Just remember that there is nothing wrong with him that a few years growing up won't cure.

But, be careful not to over react as potentially too much over reaction could end up poisoning your relationship with him for a very long time.

So my advice is 'chill, open a bottle of red and ignore the mess'

Sues48

martinthebandit wrote: »

To be honest he sounds fairly average for a teenager, they only seem to be able to consider the feelings of one person, but take heart, he will grow out of it, they all do, it just takes some longer than others.

Just remember that there is nothing wrong with him that a few years growing up won't cure.

But, be careful not to over react as potentially too much over reaction could end up poisoning your relationship with him for a very long time.

So my advice is 'chill, open a bottle of red and ignore the mess'

But that was the point of my post, they don't always grow out of it. If it was just a bit of mess then yes i would be tempted to ignore it, but when you come home from work to find the kitchen a complete wreck and DS flatly refuses to lift a finger to help clear it up, then it's no joke.

martinthebandit

Sues48 wrote: »

But that was the point of my post, they don't always grow out of it. If it was just a bit of mess then yes i would be tempted to ignore it, but when you come home from work to find the kitchen a complete wreck and DS flatly refuses to lift a finger to help clear it up, then it's no joke.

he will grow out of it, although it will take longer if someone else always does it for him. Would he have brought his GF home to cook a meal for her if the kitchen was a mess?

I agree that he will never learn to stand on his own two feet if he never has too

Savvy_Sue

Sadmum wrote: »

It isn't just the kitchen, his rooms a mess, and he really does leave a trail of destruction wherever he's been,. It's the kitchen that really BOTHERS me. When I get home from work and can't find a clean cup or spoon to have a cuppa.

Then you either buy some new ones and hide them in your room, or you wash up what you have used and hide those bits. You leave what he has used.

gonzo127 wrote: »

if its the kitchen maybe take a bit of a extream measure, get one or two of your cuboards and put locks on them, then this is where you keep 'your' clean dishes, just enough to do the basics such as cup of tea bowl of cerial etc, if nothings availible go into your cuboards, use what you need, clean them and only them up, and put back in locked cuboard, then the next time he wants to cook he has no clean dishes to use so has to either wash them up before he uses them or go hungry

Like that.

birkee wrote: »

And don't we ALL have the answer to someone elses kid's problems?

Indeed. Actually, I very rarely post for advice about my family problems, I just think what I'd tell someone on MSE ...

System

Mojisola wrote: »

That's the stereotype of students but they're not all like that. My son and his friends have a very tidy, clean flat. Most of their other student friends are the same.

Every student house i've lived in has had at least 1 untidy person...:eek:

suze1984

vik6525 wrote: »

Assuming you're not kicking him out completely (I hope to GOD I read that wrong...)

Just take the dirty dishes, and lay them out on his bed, possibly in a jaunty pattern. Keep doing it until he gets the message.

This is along the same lines as what my mum did to me lol I was forever leaving my coat on the end of the bannister, shoes flicked off by the front door along with bag thrown on the floor after school. Mum kept telling me each night not to put my coat there and to put my shoes in the cupboard and take bag upstairs otherwise she'd throw the lot in the garden.

I dont know how long it was but I remember getting up one wet Saturday morning and looking for my bag...could I find it anywhere...no. Asked mum does she know where it is she just calmly looked at me an said yea i threw it in the garden last night along with your shoes and coat (as if this was an everyday occurence!). Yup there they were coat, shoes and contents of my bag strewn up the garden and wet through.

Never left them by the door again! :rotfl:

Id go with the putting dirty dishes on his bed, he'll soon get sick of it! x

daska

suze1984 wrote: »

This is along the same lines as what my mum did to me lol I was forever leaving my coat on the end of the bannister, shoes flicked off by the front door along with bag thrown on the floor after school. Mum kept telling me each night not to put my coat there and to put my shoes in the cupboard and take bag upstairs otherwise she'd throw the lot in the garden.

I dont know how long it was but I remember getting up one wet Saturday morning and looking for my bag...could I find it anywhere...no. Asked mum does she know where it is she just calmly looked at me an said yea i threw it in the garden last night along with your shoes and coat (as if this was an everyday occurence!). Yup there they were coat, shoes and contents of my bag strewn up the garden and wet through.

Never left them by the door again! :rotfl:

Id go with the putting dirty dishes on his bed, he'll soon get sick of it! x

I did this to DSD a few years ago, being disabled is bad enough without having to negotiate shoes and coats left on the stairs, due warning and then the nasty shock of it happening.

I also took the door off her room (after several warnings) when she kept slamming it - goodness knows how, it must have been the adrenaline pumping - don't get mad, get even...