Teenage Son

the_cat

Sadmum wrote: »

I've offered money, begged, and negotiated all with the same outcome.

The outcome presumably being that you grumble a bit and then clean it up yourself?

That's the problem. He needs to deal with the consequenses of his actions, either by cleaning up or by getting a 'punishment' for his behaviour (with my DS the threat of me removing the wi-fi access and leaving just the computer in the dining room with online access was the thing which caught his attention and made him sharpen up!)

Mojisola

Sadmum wrote: »

I've offered money, begged, and negotiated all with the same outcome.

'Atmopspheres' don't really work with him I've tried atmospheres as he would just tell me to grow up.

I think that's the root of the problem - he doesn't respect me.

Maybe that's because you've "offered money, begged, and negotiated". Why didn't you just set out the rules and make him stick to them?

If he was sharing a house with his peers and he behaved like this, they would soon make his life so uncomfortable that he'd either change or leave.

It will be very hard to change things now but you've got to do it. At 17 he must still be dependent on you for a lot of things so you do have the upper hand.

Have a talk with him, explain things are going to change, say what you expect of him and what will happen if he doesn't do what you want.

teffers

Sadmum wrote: »

Thanks for the responses! I'm very time poor at the moment and very stressed!

It's not a few pots, it's every pot pan, knife fork & cup and saucer, food on the walls the floor and the cooker, and it's every day...

I've offered money, begged, and negotiated all with the same outcome.

'Atmopspheres' don't really work with him I've tried atmospheres as he would just tell me to grow up.

I think that's the root of the problem - he doesn't respect me.

Thanks again.

It's about that age that they need to start realising how the world works, unfortunately you just become someone to enable them to do what they want.

A shock would do him good.

pigpen

If he was sharing a house with peers chances are they'd all be the same.. have you seen student houses??

I'd wash my mess.. 1 mug, 1 plate plus cutlery and buy enough food for just me..

I'd not do his washing or cleaning or cooking. whatever he left about would be thrown either into the garden or his room.. regardless of what it was or where it landed.

DS1 is now 19 and almost housetrained.. My others are a work in progress but I won't stand for stuff i have specifically asked to be done being left.

lauren_1

I would put all the dirty stuff in his bed, maybe smear it on the sheets for extra effect.
At 17 he is still a minor despite what he thinks, its your house, you own it, you put ££££££££££ in to it so he has no right to treat you like $h1te..

Until he starts to respect you the dirty stuff ends up back in his bed, his laundry gets chucked back in his room dirty, the fridge is stocked with value food, the bare minimum of what he needs, the internet router goes out with you along with the sky card.

This stuff isn't rocket science but why bother trying when mum will relent in the end and just do it anyway?

Errata

Give him one last chance and warn if he doesn't shape up immediately you'll be putting a lock on the kitchen door.
Does he also leave his bedroom and the bathroom in a mess?

heretolearn_2

It's hard and it's hurtful because it is so selfish, especially if they weren't this way in the past. But it's an unfortunate phase and they do tend to grow out of it. I'm not sure the leaving it anyway thing works as my son was (and still is really) perfectly happy to live in a pigsty forever. He spent 3 years sleeping in a sleeping bag on a bare mattress with a bare pillow because he couldn't be bothered to deal with sheets/pillow cases/duvet covers.

On the other hand, he loves cooking so I took full advantage of that when he still lived at home!

No advice, just a bit of sympathy, and chin up. I wouldn't turn the last few years of his living with you into a war zone, I know it isn't fair, I know he should pull his weight, but try and minimize the effects on you without pandering to him. So, leave his room, his laundry etc entirely to him (whether it gets done or not), can you have a couple of pans/plates etc that are yours only and he isn't allowed to use until he gets more responsible about cleaning up, and explain that doing a fair share of chores is all about being an adult and not a child any more.

Mojisola

pigpen wrote: »

If he was sharing a house with peers chances are they'd all be the same.. have you seen student houses??

That's the stereotype of students but they're not all like that. My son and his friends have a very tidy, clean flat. Most of their other student friends are the same.

Sadmum

Thanks for the responses everyone. They've given me food for thought, and also put things into perspective.

It isn't just the kitchen, his rooms a mess, and he really does leave a trail of destruction wherever he's been,. It's the kitchen that really BOTHERS me. When I get home from work and can't find a clean cup or spoon to have a cuppa.

Anyway I will try to devise a plan of action from the advice received, and have now realised that there is light at the end of the tunnel. (He will grow out of it or leave home eventually).

Thanks to everyone who replied.

pigpen

Mojisola wrote: »

That's the stereotype of students but they're not all like that. My son and his friends have a very tidy, clean flat. Most of their other student friends are the same.

Not all 17 y/o's are like the OP's either.. but look how many have said theirs are/were the same..

Maybe your son does what most offspring do when mummy is visiting.. and run about like maniacs cleaning so she doesn't moan and wipe her feet on the way out!

A large proportion of students are pigs.. some down my street you can smell when their doors and windows are closed!!!! They are disgusting and the stuff the landlords throw after they leave makes you hurl! Some of the bedding I wouldn't put in a dog basket!