Does this sound right? - divorce

bewilderedhelpneeded

Hi

Ive registered under another name but im a long time poster and visiter to these boards.

I realise that im probably opening myself up to being flamed on here by my story, but I really do need some help and advice as to what others think about this situation.

I met my partner 3 years ago. We do not live together. When we met I was single and he was in a very unhappy marriage. Against all my principles, we fell in love and started a relationship. He seperated from his wife and left the family home and his wife started divorce proceedings. They were granted a degree nisi in August last year. They had a bit of trouble around Christmas time regarding access to the children, went to mediation and managed to get it all sorted out by March this year. He has just told me yesterday that his solicitor has sent him a letter stating that they are putting his file to one side for 6 weeks and will then be reviewing it again. They still have the financial stuff to sort out (he ownes a house with his ex which she lives in with the children) I suggested to my partner that he contacts his solicitor and asks them to find out what is happeneing about the next stage and when he will get his absolute. He stated that he does not have a lot of money (true) and doing so whould start to incur solicitors costs again which he cannot afford at the moment so is just happy for it to plod along at his exs pace (she gets legal aid).

Now this leaves me in a very difficult situation, feeling that he is not bothered about getting divorced so that we can move on to the next stage of our life together. I just feel like our life is coasting at the moment, we cannot make any plans about the future (although he is always asking me to marry him - my standard reply is either ask me when your sober or ask me when you are divorced). Has anyone else received a similar letter from their solicitor whilst getting divorced (sorry ive never been married so ive no experience of this or how long these things take).

I also feel sometimes that he is comfortable where he is at at the moment - too comfortable. He has shared care of his children, and they all come and stay at my house when he has them (approx 3 nights a week) this is due to his house being a considerable distance away from where the children are and he needs to get them to school and various after school activities etc. I have shared care of my children and when they are not with me his children stay in their bedrooms, but when all the children are here his children have my bedroom and my partner and I sleep on the living room floor. Not ideal I know.

I feel that by having created this situation he has got comfortable, he can come and stay at mine when he has his children but he then has his own house to go back to when he hasn't, without making a commitment to move in with me. Moving in with me would not be easy as if I cohabbit I will owe my ex a % share of the house. Only way I could pay this would be to get another mortgage with my partner, but as he is still on mortgage with his ex this isn't going to happen. So we are stuck in limbo and as he does not seem to have any interest in pushing his divorce forward I cannot see this limbo changing in the future!

daska

TBH honest it sounds as if he like to have his cake and eat it. Asking you to marry him when he's not making any effort to put himself in the position to go through with it is meaningless. Don't get me wrong, I know how expensive it can be to sort out a divorce, especially if the other party is being obstructive (mine cost upward of £5K due to my ex's shenanigans), but next time he proposes I suggest you tell him to put his money where his mouth is...

skypie123_2

I don't understand why they didn't get an absolute when they were granted nisi. Surely they should have gotten that 6 weeks later?

pigpen

I am in pretty much the same situation, except I was the wife.. I got the nisi in August and the Absolute in october... one of them is deliberately stalling.. there is no reason it would be held up on issues with the children or the shared mortgage.. this is sorted separately. We are waiting on an order goin through tranferrin the deeds of the property into my name but the mortgage will still be in both names.

I'd be asking him if it is him stalling because he is having second thoughts about being with you and throwing away his marriage and family or if it is her stallling because it is the best way she can get under your skin..

martinthebandit

skypie123 wrote: »

I don't understand why they didn't get an absolute when they were granted nisi. Surely they should have gotten that 6 weeks later?

puzzled about that also, I thought it just followed through naturally and certainly has nothing to do with the financial settlement.

Sounds to me that someones partner is not being entirely honest, but I could be wrong

mackemdave

skypie123 wrote: »

I don't understand why they didn't get an absolute when they were granted nisi. Surely they should have gotten that 6 weeks later?

Because the financials should be sorted before applying for the absolute....obviously they arnt settled yet....Its been known that there have been years between nisi and absolute in some cases....There needs to be stamped consent order in place

jackieglasgow

I believe that in Scotland the financials and childcare has to be sorted before the absolute is granted, if that's right, are you in Scotland, OP?

peachyprice

skypie123 wrote: »

I don't understand why they didn't get an absolute when they were granted nisi. Surely they should have gotten that 6 weeks later?

It's granted automatically only if there are no further complications that need to be sorted.

The 6 weeks between nisi and absolute are there as the last chance to settle any outstanding disputes/objections/change of mind, a bit like a cooling off period.

If things could not be raised during this time there would be no point in having a 6 week wait.

catfish50

bewilderedhelpneeded wrote: »

He has shared care of his children, and they all come and stay at my house when he has them (approx 3 nights a week) this is due to his house being a considerable distance away from where the children are and he needs to get them to school and various after school activities etc. I have shared care of my children and when they are not with me his children stay in their bedrooms, but when all the children are here his children have my bedroom and my partner and I sleep on the living room floor. Not ideal I know.

Definitely not ideal. Is this arrangement officially approved? How can a shared parenting agreement work unless both parents are able to provide adequate sleeping arrangements for the children within reach of the children's school?

peachyprice

catfish50 wrote: »

Definitely not ideal. Is this arrangement officially approved? How can a shared parenting agreement work unless both parents are able to provide adequate sleeping arrangements for the children within reach of the children's school?

You don't have to give details of this when you fill in the divorce forms, you just state that you both agree to 50/50 parenting.

So unless the ex wife has challenged the arrangements they won't be brought into play, and I doubt OP's OH will bring them up as he's having his cake and eating it.

catfish50

peachyprice wrote: »

You don't have to give details of this when you fill in the divorce forms, you just state that you both agree to 50/50 parenting.

So unless the ex wife has challenged the arrangements they won't be brought into play, and I doubt OP's OH will bring them up as he's having his cake and eating it.

Sounds like a miserable situation for all the children concerned. OP's kids have to put up with her boyfriend's children staying in their rooms -- boyfriend's children have to put up with sleeping either in their dad's girlfriend's children's rooms, or else sleeping in their dad's girlfriend's bedroom (in one double bed?).

OP, couldn't you just treat this man as a non-live-in boyfriend until he is divorced, if he ever does get divorced? He really doesn't sound like promising material if he thinks it's ok to treat his kids (and yours) in this negligent manner.