child maintainance with out contact

kittiej

Finally, if your husband did find you, do you fear the consequences?

I also wondered this...

pinknfluffy0

No I do not fear my husband he is a very good man. I fear having to go back to my children.

kelloggs36

You don't HAVE to go back to your children, but you could still see them occasionally?

JoJoB

I'm sorry you feel like you would be pressured to go back to a situation which you found mentally difficult to cope with - but hope like other posters have suggested you can drop your kids a note fairly frequently to let them know you are ok (they will be worried) and that you are thinking of them.

Re the payments - best to be paid through a bank so that a record of payments is kept (to avoid future CSA backdated claims!)

January20

I think posters should be very careful what pressure they put on the OP to see her children. We don't know the whole story here, the extend of the OP's problems, and we really have no right to tell her what to do under those circumstances. We should respect that at this point in time, the OP is doing what she thinks is best for her and her children. We should respect that. She is obviously slowly recovering from a very fragile state. This is not a time for amateur psychologists to interfere.

And to the poster who said that a cr4p mother was better than no mother at all, I want to say that I grew up with a mother who regularly threatened to commit suicide. You cannot imagine how terrifying and damaging this can be to a 10-11 yo child. I'm 48 now and I still have those images of her losing it etched in my memory. My brother who is 3 1/2 years younger remembers it as clearly as I do. So for me, at the moment, the OP is really doing what is right for her children. In future, things may change but that is for her to decide.

kittiej

^^ Totally agree with January.

OP are you going to be divorced from your husband? Or are you just going to leave things as they are?

Apologies for the earlier post btw.

Jinx

I would use the route of paying the maintenance into the dads bank account. I dont think anyone else mentioned it, but if you use the CSA then you are obviously going to have to follow their rules on the amount of earnings you hand over. So it may be worth checking if your x amount of cash matches what the CSA consider the 'right' amount. Using the CSA means regular payments with no leeway for ups or downs which a direct to dad route would. I dont mean to infer you will pay too little or not pay regularly; I'm just in favour of flexible arrangements that suit both sides

make_me_wise

Is there another family member, who is in contact with you, who could set up payments from their bank account to your husbands?
You could arrange payments into their account in advance each month. That way he cant trace you, but still be helped financially.

For what it is worth I think your decision to leave your children is an extremely brave one. Despite your mental health issues you were aware enough to realise that how you felt and what you were doing caused you all alot of heartache and damage. I cant begin to imagine how awful that must have been for you.

You knew in your heart that you were not able to be around your family and have set out on your own. That must have been very frightening. You have obviously sort alot of help since and are working incredibly hard to improve your health. I think you are doing really well.

I hope one day that things may be different for all of you. However the future pans out I wish you all the best OP.

mummyoftwomonkeys

I can see where your coming from that you don't want to upset your kids but why did you have to cut off all contact? why couldn't you have been up front with your husband and said that you needed to live apart because you were scared what you might do but would still be around to see your kids? just leaving will mess your kids up even more. My mum walked out on my dad, she didn't leave because of mental problems but because she put her love life 1st and me and my brother 2nd, she didn't cut off all ties but hasn't been around much at all and its really messed things up! sorry but I think you are making a huge mistake, you brought those kids into the world you need to be there for them! Im actually quite annoyed tbh

There_Goes_Trouble

mummyoftwomonkeys wrote: »

sorry but I think you are making a huge mistake, you brought those kids into the world you need to be there for them! Im actually quite annoyed tbh

It's not your place to be annoyed.
It's not your place to tell the OP she's making a mistake.
It's not your place to compare her situation with yours when they are clearly totally different.

If you read this thread properly you will see the OP feels her presence in her childrens lives is detrimental to their well being.

If you notice the date of this thread it is 3 months old, and if you read more recent posts from the OP you will see that she is begining to re-establish some contact with her children.

I think that there is a whole lot more to this thread than the OP wishes to share and since her original question was relating to how to send money to her children, it was not necessary for her to share such intimate details of her personal life. She was not asking for opinions about whether or not she should have left home and we readers are in no position to make judgement on that aspect of her life.

Just because you feel your Mother should not have left you, doesn't mean the OP in this thread should not have left her children.

In another thread the OP mentions suffering severe depression. I mention this here because the OP has put the info out there herself. Now, I am in no way suggesting that these stories are anything like the OP's situation, but if you google 'depressed mother kills her children' you will find stories all over the internet. Now you tell me that those children wouldn't have been better off if their mothers had had the courage to admit to their illness and leave home to protect their children.

OP if you find any of my post offensive please let me know and I will delete it. I am just feeling very annoyed on your behalf with the previous post!!