child maintainance with out contact

clearingout

pinknfluffy0 wrote: »

If I do it this way will they pay the whole amount to him?

At the moment, yes. However, there are plans to change the way the CSA works and sometime in 2012 (apparently) charging will be introduced. You would then have to pay a premium to use the CSA and so would your ex so the children wouldn't get all the money you give, no.

You can use the calculator on the CSA website to calculate how much you 'owe' in maintenance and then pay that direct to your ex. That way, the CSA is kept out of it (and frankly, they are more trouble than they are worth) and your children get every penny.

I hope all works out well for you in the future.

daska

Slightly off topic but for anyone considering/recommending use of a POBox. To prevent the PO from disclosing your address you have to provide "a letter of endorsement from the police or a similar body". This would usually only be because you would be in danger.

anguk

This might be a bit of a long shot and I don't know if it would work but what about getting in touch with the local church near your ex. Perhaps if you explain things to them you may be able to send the vicar/priest the money and they pass it on to your ex, keeping your whereabouts confidential? The priest could go and have a word with your ex, explaining that you've been in contact and ask if he would accept the money.

Person_one

jetta_wales wrote: »

Sounds like you've completely given up on being their Mum but I hope that changes, you made them you owe them more just money.

Yes you can be traced through your bank account but not by your ex it would have to bevy the authorities to gain such information.

Same could be said of thousands of absent dads, but they never seem to come in for the same level of condemnation.

The OP is seriously mentally ill, she's said as much, there's very little point in berating her through a message board.

jetta_wales

Person_one wrote: »

Same could be said of thousands of absent dads, but they never seem to come in for the same level of condemnation.

The OP is seriously mentally ill, she's said as much, there's very little point in berating her through a message board.

Yes she has said that since.

Pop on the Child Support board though if you seriously think absent fathers don't get sound condemnation for it.

Person_one

jetta_wales wrote: »

Yes she has said that since.

Pop on the Child Support board though if you seriously think absent fathers don't get sound condemnation for it.

From what I encounter in day to day life and not on a dedicated child support board which is bound to attract those with personal experience and strong opinions, it seems that fathers who pay but have no contact get "At least he's supporting them" and those who have contact but don't pay get "At least he still wants to see them".

heretolearn_2

OP I hope the help you are getting has a positive effect on you and one day you will feel ready to have a relationship again with your children. They do need you, even if you are ill, but I can understand why you feel the way you do right now.

Could you at least send them Christmas/birthday cards so they know you still think about them? It might make the world of difference to them and help them understand that you just can't be with them, it's not that you don't want them.

Blackpool_Saver

I was very sad to read baby was put up for adoption, i am sure you know best tho'.
I echo the need for cards at xmas and birthdays.
I wish you luck

Person_one

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I was very sad to read baby was put up for adoption, i am sure you know best tho'.
I echo the need for cards at xmas and birthdays.
I wish you luck

While its very sad, I'm sure baby is currently being adored and doted on by a family who've been waiting and hoping for him/her and to whom he/she will be the most wonderful thing in existence. I hope knowing that is helpful to the OP.

I would reconsider letting people know where you are though OP, hopefully this will never be needed but if something terrible were to happen to one of your children would you not want to know?

DVardysShadow

pinknfluffy0 wrote: »

I do not want to be any part of their lives, or me part of theirs, its best all round.

This post from another thread of yours caught my eye

little_old_me wrote: »

Hi, this is my first time posting. This thread caught my eye as I have been in a similar situation when I was growing up so I can give you a perspective from the children's point of view. ....

and having taken a look back at your old threads, you've worked hard on dealing with issues. I doubt you are half as bad a mother as you seem to think you are.

So I can't say you are wrong in the decisions you have taken to get you to where you are today. In a lot of ways I think you have been quite brave [but possibly - only possibly - mistaken]. Starting a new life is not easy, but you've got over a few hurdles and as I see it, you are not running away so much as taking yourself out of a situation where you feel you are causing more problems. And you are still intent on doing what you can from a distance.

But reading between the lines, I am wondering whether you are actually doing this because you feel have made some sort of mistake, with consequences you can't cope with? If that is the case, I am looking at little old me's post, linked above, and wondering if the consequences of what you are doing now are actually worse than the consequences if you were still at home? It's a question I just have to ask.

Having asked the question, I am just accepting you are where you are for valid reasons. But please do think about this issue of maintaining contact with your children. What you do now will have far reaching consequences for your children [in terms of their ability to grow up as fully functioning people] and ultimately for you, if you look back and begin to regret what you are doing now.

It is great that you want to support them, that will probably ease things for them to a certain extent. But do try to keep more of a channel of communication for their sakes.

Finally, if your husband did find you, do you fear the consequences?