How Did Others Cope with Parner's Death?

NickyBat

hugs to you all
x

:beer:

missindecisive

so many sad stories my heart goes out to you all. hugs x

mad_as_a_march_hare

Sorry for your loss Jellybaby. Sending you ((((((hugs)))))))

I too was placed in your situation in Feb 2008, when i lost my husband suddenly to a Stroke, he was 36.

Grief strikes people in different ways and we all deal with things so differently, In hindsight in the early days i really did make some quite silly and rash decisions, The first mistake i made was sending my 2 boys who were 7 and 13, off to there natural Fathers for 2 weeks, while i orgainised what needed doing, they never came back until after the funeral. I do believe this was the wrong decision as they never dealt with there grief at loosing there step father. My dog was my best friend during the first few weeks.

It really is a case of baby steps, and some small things can feel like a mountain, i always said that during the early weeks i just ran on automatic pilot mode.

I dreaded the first morning doing the school run as i knew people would speak to me and was sure i would just burst into tears, but i made it through.

Having my boys meant i had to do normal things and had to move on for them. I had to make life as normal as i could do, but we always spoke about there step dad and things we had all done together. The memories are the best things to have, and i always tell them that no one can ever take those away from them.

I also got refered for counselling by my GP, i only went once as it upset me so much it just made me feel worse so i never went again as i couldn't face talking about it with a stranger, talking about it with family was just so much easier.

I had to make some deicisons for me aswell in the early days, the first being i just knew i had to learn to drive for me and the boys, Exactly 5 months after loosing DH i passed my driving test, I know DH was looking down on me and would have been so proud. My driving lessons gave me something to focus on in the early months 3 lessons a week, My poor driving instructor had it all from me, the tears, the moaning, just the general life stories, he was a bit of a rock listening to me.

Now to add a twist onto this story, i kept in touch with him via text after passing my driving test, and in a strange an unexpected way our frienship grew and blossomed and we have been together as a couple since the end of 2008.

janninew

Reading this thread reminded me of what my vet told me when I had my beloved boy put to sleep.

"Grief is the price we pay for love."

Take care all who are in dark places right now.

xxx

sophieschoice

A lovely elderly gentleman once told me that there are a lot of bad days following a bereavement with the occasional good day.
As time passes there are lots of good days with the occasional bad day.
Eventually you will be able to look back without tears and with a fond smile when you remember him.
Twenty years of happiness at the cost of (maybe) two years grief isn't a bad trade off really.
What I remember are the weeks of good days and then a bad day catching me totally unaware like a giant wave knocking me over.
Take care and don't hide any tears, you need to grieve.

bluebeary

firstly i want to express my sincere condolences to you and your sons

this is from a different perspective, i read your post this morning and thought about it today, my mother lost my dad when he was 50, due to a very short illness, my mother was 45 at the time

my mother was always a strong person but my brother and myself watched her totally crumble which was for me the hardest part of our berievement, i was eighteen and my brother sixteen, i think

the biggest mistake we made was not talking about it at all, we all dealt with our grief seperately and privately, i know my mother was completely devastated, i went onto autopilot and carried on with college, i still dont know, twenty years later how my brother dealt with his feelings

we werent a close family and that was a real shame, i know now its important to talk to each other and help each out in situations like this

everyone deals with grief differently and i hope you and your sons can talk to each other about how you all feel, anything you want to talk about, you should

i think my mother found it hard being single and looking after my brother and myself, alot of friends were around us aswell around the time, which helped

but you do cope, you work your way through it and things do get better

my mother was able to move on and has been very happy for the past nineteen years, well never forget my father, and will always remember the good times we all had together

its still early days for you as you say and my thoughts are with you, remember, your real life friends and people on this forum are here for you, keep talking xxx

flora48

I send you my heartfelt condolences. I was widowed 7 years ago and know exactly what you are going through. Grief is a journey, it takes us different amounts of time to travel the path but it has to be done. Crying is an important part of grief, I cried in all situations, on my own, meeting someone in the street, in a group of people. For 6 months I felt that I was in a bubble, I could not reach out, I needed people to reach me. I also felt the need to be busy, I kept working and had a busy social life, no gaps in the diary was my motto, but nothing takes away the empty lonely feeling especially when in a crowd of people.
Talk about him, talk about his illness, talk about his death, it is all part of the process. Take comfort in your memories. I found that poems and sentences from books took on new meaning and I began to collect these, eventually I began what the Americans call a 'Commonplace Book', a scrapbook of these snippets with pictures and photos along with my own jottings, it gave me a measure of concentration to keep this book. Concentration was the thing that deserted me when my husband died. I made the last entry in this book on the first anniversary of his death and it seemed to conclude my journey.
When you have grieved, if you allow yourself to do so, you will reach the other side and life seems OK again.
I felt the real physical pain in my heart and realised what people meant my being heart broken. It is possible to come through the other side and life will seem wortwhile agian.
If you would like to PM please do.
Flora

Jellybaby

Hi, I've actually been busy and had quite a few good days! The boys and I have been out enjoying the sunshine the past four days and had some laughs along with nice food and plenty of chat about dad so all good. Thorsoak your wee part-time job sounds fab, as well as some extra cash you'll be out and about meeting new people. I know this may be daunting to start with but just think how far you've come.

From a recommendation in a PM I received, I bought the book 'Death...and how to survive it' by Kate Boydell. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I've read it cover to cover and can truly identify with most of what Kate says. I think her writing is excellent, straight to the point and her sense of humour tickles me. I've found myself nodding at many of the points she makes thinking 'I've felt that or that's what I do'! I don't for a minute think this book will solve all my issues or take away the hurt but it has already made me stop and think about areas that I might have tried to avoid until a later date or try and ignore all together.

My GP asked me how I was feeling last week and I ended up in tears, well the watery eyes and croaky voice holding everything in look, - fine all morning and it had to happen with him. He suggested I take another four weeks off work. I've agreed if I go back before then it will be on a phased return basis and I'll discuss my plans with him and my boss before making any final decisions. At this moment in time I really don't want to go back but deep down I know it's just avoiding all the 'sorry to hear' 'how are you coping' 'it'll take time' comments and besides I will need to work so I'm thinking another two or three weeks then I may test the water.

Take care my friends x

thorsoak

I found the "how are you/how are you coping" the keys that opened the floodgates I could be going along swimmingly - until someone asks.

Had a bad couple of days - I had to take our old dog to the vets on Thursday ....he's 14 so he has had a really good life and we knew when we moved here, less than 3 years ago, that he was on borrowed time - but I hadn't expected to lose OH first - so it made it doubly painful. I'm getting his ashes back next week, and intend to scatter them on OH's grave in the woodland cemetary - and my daughter has given me something to giggle over ....she says that at first she thought that I might do a "Great Escape" let down of the ashes - shaking them out of the trouser leg ! I do miss my girl too - she lives in USA, so don't see her & GC as much as I would like. but hey ho - life has to go on.

Take your doctor's advice, Jellybaby - sit in the sun (whilst we have it) talk to your boys, talk to anyone you can - be kind to yourself. {{hugs - and a hanky}}

Jellybaby

So sorry to hear about your dog Thorsoak. My aunt's dog, a bearded collie aged 14 too, died the day before OH and she is taking it very badly so I have an idea of how you feel. Well I'm well and truly on the roller coaster but getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other - I've decided I don't like any of the alternatives so I'm trying to make the best of it and thankfully with DS1 on Skype and DS2 (who is a bit of a comedian) there's plenty of chat and laughter. I talk to OH everyday when I'm on my own, it does help.

I've also decided I need to go back to work, slowly at first building up to whatever I decide. I've realised I'm getting into a wee routine in the house, running around looking after (checking up on) my elderly parents then waiting patiently for DS to come in from school at 4pm. When I started to interrogate him last week why he was home five minutes late it hit me I had to do somethng.

I'ts also beginning to sink home that 'this' is my life now. Loneliness is a horible thing. BUT I'm still reading my book and still having sunshine moments in amongst the fog so I'll take that for now xx