How Did Others Cope with Parner's Death?

swampduck

I didnt want to read and run and I have never been in your situation but I know that the bereavement care phone lines will always have someone available to speak to you when things get too desperate and lonely.

The two thatI know of are CRUSE and the SAMARITANS who are only ever a phone call away if things get too desperate and lonely.

Swampy

pink90

I was widowed 14 years ago when I was 31 and left with 2 small children...

Like others say the gut wrenching feelings will fade with time and eventually it will not be the first thing you think of when you wake up every morning. Having to function as a Mum is a bit of a double edged sword. It is horrid when sometimes you have to do things when all you want to do is curl up and escape from everything but on the other hand it is exactly that which keeps you going in a way. I hated it when people said 'time heals'...it doesn't but you do learn to live with your feelings.

Like others have said at certain times and events in your and the children's lives it will be emotional but you will learn to cope with this and I am never afraid of telling people why I find certain occasions and times of year difficult as people forget over time.

I second that the first of everything ( Christmas,Birthday anniversary of his death) is the hardest...if you can get away for any of those it may make it easier.

I like to look at it that my life has just taken a different path than that which I thought it would.

A last thought..do what you want about grieving and not what others think you should

Best Wishes and please feel free to pm if you wish

traveller

puddle96 wrote: »

Hugs to both you and thorsoak.
Nearly sixteen years ago I was widowed and left with a 10 year old daughter. Life does move on but the early days are very tough and you just have to go with how you all feel each day, which can be very up and down
I was lucky in I had a full time job and a child I had to get up for and friends and family for support. The hospice my husband died in organised counselling for me (or try CRUSE) and the school help for my daughter.
A rolled up duvet filled the empty space in my bed and gave me something to cuddle - it fell out one day and didn't get replaced. An unwashed T shirt of his got carried round like a comfort blanket until one day it went firstly to the wash and then the charity shop.
The first christmas we went out for lunch and planned a holiday (somewhere warm and sunny) for the dark depressing days of winter.
One day (can't quite remember when about 18 months - two years?) I could clearly hear my husband telling me that I was still here, to stop mourning him and get on live my life - I've tried to ever since - I've had to create new dreams and plans for a future without him.
I still miss him, but without that physical ache, still 'talk" things over with him if I need advice. The only time I've really missed his physical presence recently was when our daughter got married and my brother had to walk her in (I cried my eyes out then)

I think that what I'm trying to say in a very clumsy way - is yes one day you will be able to look forward but it will come when you are ready which isn't right now
Love
Puddlexx

Hi, I have found this post so helpful. A friend at work lost her husband in february from a clot in the heart and has just returned to work. She clearly isn't ready and I really feel for her, but I have nothing constructive to say. This post, if you don't mind puddle 96 I would like to share with her as she does not have kids and I can tell she just does not know what to do with herself. Thanks for posting.

concerned43

Jellybaby - my sympathy on your loss, I sadly have been in your position - though it is now over 12 years ago when he was only 32 and his death was sudden with no warning - our son was 6 months old at the time.
Everyone deals with this differently so there are no hard and fast rules. I like you felt very alone once everyone else got back to living their lives! for me it was like someone had taken my life plan and tore it up and I was left with nothing and did not know how to move forward or what to do with my life.
I had no other choice than to take one day at a time. I had a baby to take of so that gave me a structure and I had a career (but I never went back after DH's death (as they sacked me as they did not want a single parent as an employee)! but thats another story!
I decided early on that I must make the most of things as I had a baby who needed me, needed a routine and needed security so I concentrated on DS. I decided to make new memories and revisited all our old haunts so that I could think of these places in a new light and not the past.
It took me about 2 years to get back on my feet and although I still think of him - its not a hundred times a day!
I also went for counseling but it did not work for me and only went the once!
The one thing that depresses me is that no one speaks about him (haven't done for years) and I feel his memory slipping away - which is very sad.
However we did survive and our lives have not been too bad and I hope to think there are better times ahead.
My advice is just to take it slowly, keep talking about him and if you are alone - talk to your DH, I used to do it - don't know if he heard me 'up there' but it helped me!
If there is anything I can do for you let me know and my best wishes and prayers are with you - you will get through this x

CRANKY40

Hugs Jellybaby. I've sent you details in a PM of a site that helped me lot when I was widowed 18 months ago. For four months I cried every single night after our son was in bed, and then it began to tail off a bit. It does still catch up with me sometimes. I've also taken a five year career break from work to focus on my son, myself and our life until he's a bit older.

As my husband's death put a stop to all the plans that we had made together, I found that the best and most constructive thing that I did was to start making more plans. They don't have to be big plans - some days getting out of bed, feeding the boy and hoovering were as much as I could manage, but eventually I planned a holiday. I've had building work done to the house and I currently have more happy days than sad ones. Give me a yell if you need any help.

NuttyFaggot

Never been any good at putting words down on paper (!) but I've been a long term reader of this forum and my intention of joining was to ask a question and then I saw your post.

My big, beautiful man was given 2-4 weeks to live after going to the Drs with indegestion in Sep09. He died in Jul10. I've got to be honest, I didn't cope as well as people thought I would. After his funeral (which I organised) I felt that I no longer had to care for him and became totally lost. I shunned any contact with friends and family and thankfully they respected that. I think because of that I had my space and time to grieve I am now where I am today - still lost without him but able to face tomorrow. I get peed off with people telling me that time will make it easier - to me it doesn't, the only difference is I don't cry as much but I still hurt.

I spoke to the bereavement people at the hospice and they said that as I can talk about my feelings to my friends, then they could do no more. After my rambling, talk to friends/family (when you are ready, but not before), because actually they like talking too. Would also say that don't confuse depression with bereavement - a "friend" suggested I should go to the GP to get something to help me through it - all that does is hide the symptoms, it doesn't cure the cause.

9 months and I am still raw, I miss my husband every minute but now it is spring, am able to look out of the window and see the garden he created, he is still here.

Stephb1986_2

I don't have any advice really I just wanted to say sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family

Steph xx

make_me_wise

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. I have not had to go through or cope with all you are faced with. I hope that you can draw alot of strength and comfort from your children, family and friends. Take one step at a time and I wish you all the best hun.

gunsandbanjos

Have no advice as i've never been in your position but couldnt not post. Sending you a big hug, all the lovely posts on this thread have me in tears, and wishing everyone who has posted their very moving, personal stories all the strength to carry on.

Queen_Of_The_Jungle

I am so so sorry for your loss, just wanted to say that xxxxx