How Did Others Cope with Parner's Death?

Jellybaby

Hi, please move if this is in the wrong place. My husband died three weeks ago after an 18 month battle with cancer. He was only 48 and we have two teenagers. He had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma which was very aggressive. He is a real inspiration to me and the kids as he was positive from the start, never complained about anything and even when given the devastating news a month or so ago he was terminal refused to lie down to it.

I'm surrounded with family and friends, who have all been brilliant, but never have felt so alone in my life. I feel no one can help me deal with my emotions or tell me what's normal or if I'm going mad because they all still have their partners. I miss my husband so much. I'm taking each day as it comes and it's good I have the boys as I have to do normal 'mum' things!

I know it's still very early days and everything is raw but I guess the reason for my post is to find out from others who are or have been in my position how they coped, will I ever be able to look forward to the future?

LillythePink

Aww sorry to hear of your loss.......BIG HUGS to you

I can't offer any words of advice as I haven't been in your position, but you're not going mad, you're just upset and lost at the moment.

You will come out the other side, it just takes time

xx

shelley_crow

No words of wisdom i'm afraid, just want you to know that your family is in my thoughts ((((hugs)))

thorsoak

Sending {{hugs}} too. I'm in the same sort of position as you - I lost my OH in mid January to pancreatic cancer - he'd only been ill since mid-November, but we were told as soon as it was diagnosed that it was terminal - he fought it to the end, and the end was a good one - if there ever can be a good death for those left behind.

At first I felt numb - and I think I still do. You have got your teenagers that still need support - mine are all grown up and away now and so although I don't have to be strong for them now, I do feel that my reason for getting up and doing anything has now gone - and I have to fight that feeling every day.

I suppose it does get a bit easier - at first I would bring one of the dogs into the bedroom at night - just so that when I woke up in the middle of the night (as I still do every night) I could hear breathing.
It is a physical ache - but it doesn't hurt quite so much now - and I'm not in floods of tears every time I think of him - although I am as I type this.

I have found that talking about him - about his death too - helps - and I've found that friends who have been in the same situatioin over the last year or so help - they understand, and we can offload on each other.

PM me at any time if it would help you.

Sending {{hugs}} - and a large box of tissues.

Margot x

skylight

I have no advice either - but refused to read and run.

Big hugs to you both on your loss.
xxx

Jellybaby

Thanks for all your responses. Thorsoak, thank you. I agree, talking about him and his death, helps. My husband had a very, very peaceful end and although I missed being there by literally a minute I have no regrets. Some days I cry very, very easily over the most trivial thing but I'm not trying to hide my emotions from our boys as I think this is helping them too. I've also experienced what I can only describe as a wave of desperate longing to see him, talk to him or touch him again. This really scares me as I wonder if I will have these feelings for the rest of my life and if so, how am I going to cope as they leave me quite devastated. I'm quite a practical person and not coping very well with my head being all over the place. My house is the cleanest it's ever been, I've done more housework in the last three weeks than I ever did in all the time we were married.

Sun is shining here so going to brave the garden and do some weeding.

puddle96

Hugs to both you and thorsoak.
Nearly sixteen years ago I was widowed and left with a 10 year old daughter. Life does move on but the early days are very tough and you just have to go with how you all feel each day, which can be very up and down
I was lucky in I had a full time job and a child I had to get up for and friends and family for support. The hospice my husband died in organised counselling for me (or try CRUSE) and the school help for my daughter.
A rolled up duvet filled the empty space in my bed and gave me something to cuddle - it fell out one day and didn't get replaced. An unwashed T shirt of his got carried round like a comfort blanket until one day it went firstly to the wash and then the charity shop.
The first christmas we went out for lunch and planned a holiday (somewhere warm and sunny) for the dark depressing days of winter.
One day (can't quite remember when about 18 months - two years?) I could clearly hear my husband telling me that I was still here, to stop mourning him and get on live my life - I've tried to ever since - I've had to create new dreams and plans for a future without him.
I still miss him, but without that physical ache, still 'talk" things over with him if I need advice. The only time I've really missed his physical presence recently was when our daughter got married and my brother had to walk her in (I cried my eyes out then)

I think that what I'm trying to say in a very clumsy way - is yes one day you will be able to look forward but it will come when you are ready which isn't right now
Love
Puddlexx

janninew

I read this thread and wellled up. I have no experience dealing with the loss of a partner, but didn't want to read and run. A close friend of mine lost her husband in a car accident 3 years ago, he was 30 years and they had a 6 month old son. They had been together since school. They were so devoted to each other, I really couldn't imagine how she would cope - but she did. We don't realise how strong we are until we get tested. I can imagine my poor friend had some very dark times and many sleepless, teary nights, but she has come out the other side, and you will too.

Maybe you need to talk over how you are feeling with a professional, this may help. Though I'm sure everything you have described is exactly how others have felt going through the same as you are.

Take care of yourself and your children.

P.S Please don't take this the wrong way, but have your children had help dealing with this? I only ask as my husband lost his Mum when he was 17 years old and it hit him very hard about a year later. He would get drunk and became very depressed, he would hide this from his Dad as he didn't want to burden him with more worry.

puddle96

Janninew's ps is very valid.
You don't mention how old your teenagers are but you may find some help and advice for them and you from Winston's wish (google it) free and nationwide
Puddle xxx

zzzLazyDaisy

I didn't want to read and run. I haven't lost a partner so I can't begin to know what you are feeling. I know it isn't the same at all, but I lost my youngest sister suddenly and unexpectedly aged 38 - we were very close as I had brought her up from quite a young age. I had nightmares for a long time, waking up in the night thinking there was something wrong with her and being half way across the room before I properly woke and remembered.

But that was 10 years ago this year. I still think of her and I still miss her, but that gut wrenching pain has gone. As I say, I know it isn't the same as losing a partner at all, how could it be? But still, it might help you to know that there are other people who have lost precious loved ones and come through it, as you will do in time.

It is still early, you are still very fragile, be extra kind and patient with yourself and with your children.

Hugs

Daisy

Jellybaby

Thanks for all the new posts. Puddle96 your post made me cry - in a good way. My boys are 19 and 16. Eldest is at uni studying medicine and is very practical and focused and loves a good blether so we talk the hind legs of each other! DS2 is a lot quieter and keeps things to himself but I have noticed a difference in him over the last week. He has opened up a bit and talks happily about his dad and his memories. I'm fortunate that I have a very understanding employer and have been told to take as much time as I need. I'm due to see our gp this week and think I will ask to be referred for counselling. Sorry I'm not very good at quotes etc but I appreciate everyone taking the time to post.