Memorygirls - The Matrix Re-inspired

fantasia322

Morning Matrixettes,
Welcome to MissOptimistic (love the user name lol).
Lionheartedgirl, way to go for rescuing another greyhound when the time is right. They are beautiful dogs (have had greyhounds too). The right dog will choose you at exactly the right time, and it will be the best decision you ever made. My chosen breed this time though was the mighty great dane, and she is beyond all shadow of a doubt, the best dog that ever owned me.

I have a confession to make now girls (please dont think I'm too much of a wimp.) Am very proud to be 13 days SMOKE FREE but on Tuesday I had a horrendous wobble, the cravings which i had'nt had uptil then kicked in, I was literally climbing the walls (am so weak and ashamed of myself) and OH had left cigarettes in the kitchen drawer, and I lit one and actually inhaled a puff...............cue exit to bathroom and intense vomiting (lesson learned). The taste was vile, it didnt relieve any cravings, and I felt like bleurgh. Cravings are all in the brain, but they feel physical.
Does this make me awful. or does it mean I have to start from square 1 all over again? Other half has been asked to remove his weeds and keep them away from me till I'm stronger with this.
It's actually taken me 2 days to get the courage to post this, I know none of you are judgemental, but I felt like I'd let everybody down more so than myself. But I cannot tell a lie or try to fake that I did it. :o:o:o.
I want to beat this because its controlled my life and finances for 30 years, and was starting to control my health too, and breathing easy is something I've gotten used to over the past week and 6 days. To run upstairs without getting caught short is amazing, to jog round the block without stopping feels just as good.
So thats my confession done, 1 lapse and I hope I'm strong enough to continue.

Positive vibes and hugs to all who need them xxx

ETA - would it be possible for somebody to send me the Secret e-book. Have lost my original copy. Please and thank you x

Cheery_Daff

Fantasia, nobody is going to think you are a wimp! Really and honestly - who does everything perfectly the first time they try? You're not starting all over again - think of it as if you were building a wall - if one brick fell off, would you knock the whole wall down in a temper? (actually, that's not a good analogy - I might actually do that :rotfl:) - but you know what I mean You'd pick the brick up, put it back on, and carry on. Doesn't make you a bad person. Cravings are real - physical or mental. You've identified it's not a good thing - and well done for being honest! :T :T xx

Cheery_Daff

Oh, and can I just have a minor rant at the universe please?? I've spent MONTHS requesting people to take part in our research - we only needed about 10! Last week we decided enough was enough, and we'd just deal with what we'd got.

Since then, we've had another FOUR people get in touch, and someone else tell me that they just sent 10 information packs out in the post yesterday. Aarrgghh!

Is it wrong to request that people now STOP getting in touch?? :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

clairewop

Good Morning

Fantasia you had a lapse, so what?? you actually lean't you didn't like it so I think it did you good, one puff in 13 days is fab WELL DONE you can do it we all have faith in you.

Well I have put washing on the line but it has gone very dark, so don't know whether it will rain

I'm very sore and struggling today, I have done too much, now its showing so I'm having a bit of a rest.

Bitsy_Beans

Fantasia - Hugs honey, the fact that you've been too frightened to post this for 2 days shows to me how committed you are to making this work. But failure is a valuable tool though and just think if you'd never had that wee puff you might be wondering days, months down the line what it tastes like. Now you know and can remind yourself of how vile it was Baby steps my sweet xx

jenid

Fantasia big, big hugs to you. You are doing amazingly so please don't beat yourself up. I have luckily never been a smoker so not sure about this, but surely it's a good thing you found that little puff so vile you were sick? I think your body as well as your mind is ready to give up and give you a helping hand.

MG, well done on the standing ovation. Oh, and NASA, go DS1 say well done from me, and tell him we want to hear all about it after.

Crickett, I too had a horrible day yesterday and just couldn't shake it. I just eventually gave in and decided nothing on my to do list was going to get done, we weren't going to get out anywhere and that was that. I realised I was absolutley exhausted and that was effecting my emotions and judgement. I decided when DH got home I would ask him to feed and have BBB for a couple of hours so I could go to bed, I ended up gardening for a couple of hours instead and it really revived me and gave me a sense of achievement.

I seem to have woken up with my happy head on again today, and the sun is shining so it's back to happy things and making plans for me today.

Bitsy, positive vibes to your friend and her IVF baby. It brought back so many memories for me when I read this, my heart really goes out to her. Please keep us updated.

MG, any chance you could cover your guided visualisation thingy that makes you feel like you've had 3 hours sleep on the blog, I could really do with this at the moment :rotfl:

Happy days to you all

xx

tellmeitsfriday

Ahhh! Well I've agreed to it... remember I said I was asked if I wanted to do a bit of teaching...

I'm doing 1st year financial accounting and a nice module called Managing Personal Finance. They don't do actual lectures for these 2, they are taught in small groups, so perfect for me. I am going to have 2 groups each for each module for 12 weeks (Should help with the bathroom fund)

The Head of School asked my boss, and she just said fine, as long as it's after 4pm or I make up the time (Woo!)


Scary days!

crickett1234

Fantasia my darling, you did not fail. You found you hated the flavour of it and that is half the battle. And it was only one puff. You are being so strong...well done and you can totally do this.

Oh jenid... I hope your day today is better than mine is rapidly tunring out to be. :eek:

Kittikins

Thanks for the hugs everyone, I'm still feeling over-emotional about it all....he doesn't appreciate that I have bent over backwards to try and maintain DD's relationship with him whilst protecting her emotionally. For example when she last used to have weekends with him nearly 3 years ago (she's now 6), he would keep her up stupidly late - going out for dinner at 9pm !!!!!!, and then she would come back and have unsettled sleep and be very clingy to me for about a week afterwards. Of course he would never see that he'd in some way upset the balance, and I'm just a neurotic b1tch of an ex-wife in his eyes

But, given that the 2 dates he suggested for another afternoon visit in the next couple of weeks don't work for us due to Rainbows etc etc, he will probably crawl back under his rock for another year, well that's the hope! In the meantime, I have to stop being hurt, angry and feeling like I must be awful if he's doing this (he was a big emotional abuser, very cruel in subtle ways whilst we were together, completely eroded my self-confidence) and get back to being the happy Kittikins I know I am these days......

MissOptimistic

Fantasia - You haven't failed - you have simply re-inforced the decision that you really want to be a non-smoker! :T