Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

taxi36

totmalysh wrote: »

Hi Taxi.

I just wanted to say that you are the most wonderful parents, I am hoping that my husband and I will be able to offer support to our forthcoming baby (October 14th), should s/he get in a similar situation.

Please let your daughter know that she is not alone in having 'in-laws' or partner who want to have nothing to do with the baby.
I was raised without a father, but I had my mum and grandparents, my mum is now happily married to a man who I call a father as he was there since I was 7. I never suffered and was one of the best students at school and uni, with my parents' support I got my first degree, moved to London from a post-USSR country and gained another 2 degrees here.

I got married considerably young at 22, and the first question my fianc! got from his parents was whether I was pregnant. 8 years together and 7 years married I have no contact with my in-laws for 4-5 years. They have not offered congratulations (not speaking of support) on having a baby, but I have most supportive parents and grandparents in the world, who cried of joy upon finding out that I was pregnant and chipped in getting me baby clothes (both new and my old ones), my mum has knitted beautiful socks and sweaters already. Both my mum and my stepdad are thrilled at the thought, and only wish they were closer to us, as they live nearly 2,000 km away.

While another set of grandparents seems non-existent, I am lucky to have a husband who dotes on me and our baby. Your daughter has your support and her grandparents', if it does not work out with her bf, she can still find The GUY. My mum was a single mother and she has now lived with my stepfather for 22 years.

I wish her and her baby well, it may well be that she will be a better prepared mother at 17-18, somebody who has planned the pregnancy all along, like myself (though I must admit, this IS never expected.

Good luck to you all.

P.S. I never had the morning sickness, mine was in the afternoon, from experience I found that drinking a lot of water helped when I was sick, as it was easier/less painful to get the food out. And having small portions does help, though I was starving all the time and not craving anything in particular.

Thanks for this. I think this is part of the reason why my Daughter has taken this so badly. She always had a wonderful relationship with the fathers family.

The boy practically lives with his grandparents and my Daughter was a permenant fixture in their home. She honestly was there more than here own house.

The grandmother of the ex bf was more like a cool hip friend than a grandmother and text or phoned my Daughter every day (if she wasnt at their house) to see how she was and "what was happening" lol.

Since news of the pregnancy broke there has been no contact what so ever and I feel that it is this contact which my Daughter is missing too. Guess it feels like she has lost a lot of "friends"

I just never thought they could turn their back on my Daughter so cruelly . She doesnt deserve this at all.

At least she has the love and support of her own family.

pigpen

Being at scans is different to antenatal checks.. I was really shocked when OH came to the scans with the baby, I had done all the scans with the older ones (different dad) bar 2 (1 was a m/c and the other was the 20 week scan for the 8th and I forced him to come) so it was alien that OH wanted to be part of that with her. A good few of the MW's have said they like to see the mum alone so they can ask about their situation, if there is always someone else there they get a bit suspicious the mum is not allowed to go out or do anything by herself. They have an obligation to ask about domestic violence now which is hard to do with someone else there.

She can't force him to be involved.. though it is possible once he gets his head straight, which maybe after the birth, he might decide to be more involved.. but it has to be his decision. He needs to grow a set and tell his parents to shut up.. what's done is done and their nagging won't make it go away so they should shut up and put up..

I would encourage her to sort out what she wants to say.. such as.. I want you to be involved because is it important for the baby to have a father I won't stop you being involved but what I won't tolerate is being messed about. .. or similar.. then walk away and let the next move be his.. no contact at all from her.. let him think on it and sort himself.. she needs to focus on herself.

Not every child needs their father.. how many children have abusive fathers? they are so much better off without!.. they need a good male role model be that an uncle, a grandad, a friend.. my dad was and still is a complete waste of carbon and water! My stepdad is a much better role model in many ways, te only thing I gained from having my dad was an eating disorder at age 3 and a few bruises and a shedload of resentment.

Try ginger tea if she doesn't like the biscuits or gingerbread or ginger cake.

She will probably also be absolutely exhausted! In the early weeks carbs are great for energy.. sugary stuff gives the sugar rush but the slumps are lower and they make the sickness worse.. toast with cheese or ham or beans are good, pasta.. rice and fish fingers in here , jacket potatoes with anything etc.. quick easy snacks.. until about 10 weeks the baby relies on the yolk to grow so what she eats is hers after 10-12 weeks the placenta is feeding the baby and she needs to eat well.. sweet stuff is not the way to go.. this is often when sickness gets a little better for many women.

Mojisola

pigpen wrote: »

until about 10 weeks the baby relies on the yolk to grow so what she eats is hers after 10-12 weeks the placenta is feeding the baby and she needs to eat well..

Are we talking human babies here?

abby1234519

The father of this baby (still unborn) decided straight away he wasn't going to be involved. Hes 23 I think, well hes older than me and graduating university. I guess I am lucky that he didn't say he would be involved and then disappear, Its been the same "playing field" right from the start.

Just support your daughter, not that I have any doubt about that, your wife will be the one squealing at the scans, my mum's voice got rather high pitched when seeing him at 12 weeks and 20 weeks.

I am lucky now that I met my boyfriend when I was 2 months pregnant, its an odd situation I do wonder whether I would be damn miserable without him.

My advice is I think she is better off with or without him. By that I mean, I think its worse for her emotional health to make her happy by saying he is excited then changing his mind then changing his mind again. That would destroy me. She needs stability.

I'm not the emotional type at all but I can definitely say I am now hormonal...Battlestar Galactica makes me cry....

So she needs a stable environment. She can cope without him, but not with being messed around!

As for the college thing, I am still at university, I am just going into my 3rd trimester and the timing is good as I finish next week ie last exam. If I was going to be say 8 months pregnant and still at university I'd probably die I am already so tired!

skylight

Just caught up with this. Please pass on my hugs to your DD. She is obviously getting lots for your guys, but a few extra never go amiss!


My first reaction was, well stuff him then. Your DD needs to surround herself with people who care and love her and can certainly do without the rubbish from this particular wastral. At least he is showing his colours now rather than later.

And I realise I sound very much the hypocrite here as I have asked my DD to leave last week as she has done naff all with regards to college etc. Her responsibility levels have sunk to an all time low (she was an hour late for her scan as she was waiting for a friend) and I felt I just cannot cope with it all anymore. I am glad that your DD sounds far more sensible!

pigpen

Mojisola wrote: »

Are we talking human babies here?

You may like to educate yourself here..

the placenta takes over fully at about 10-12 weeks.. but before that the yolk sac is used.

bravobeastie

I would just like to share my experience. Although I was older at 21 when my daughter was born, her dad also left me when I was 7 months gone. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Each week he would turn up and shove a few quid through the door, leaving the engine of his car running before shooting off again.

He wasn't at the birth, he turned up the next day to put money through the door and my mum told him to come in. He held his daughter for 10 minutes before leaving and no contact again for many years (although to be fair he paid up every week via csa)

I had the wonderful support of my mum and brother and lived with them until I met my husband. We have been together 8 years, married 5 and have a 6 year old little boy.

My daughter knows he isn't her dad but still calls him that.

I guess i'm trying to say that the best thing you can do is be there for your daughter, you and your wife are going to have to be very strong for her but in the long run she is better off without this spineless idiot.

Sending lots of hugs your way x

Mojisola

bravobeastie wrote: »

I guess i'm trying to say that the best thing you can do is be there for your daughter, you and your wife are going to have to be very strong for her but in the long run she is better off without this spineless idiot.

I don't think it's fair to judge the lad in this way.

He must be getting a huge amount of pressure from his parents to act one way and may be feeling emotions he never expected to experience for years to come. There are many men much older than him who are completely thrown by the realisation that they are going to be fathers!

He hasn't had the good parenting that taxi's daughter has enjoyed. His parents are not telling him that they will support him whatever way he decides to handle things - they are trying to force their views on him.

He is very young to have to decide between his girlfriend and his family.

Frogletina

taxi36 wrote: »

An up-date on the situation and a bit of a rant!

Things were going "ok" although in saying that , my Daughter had only seen her BF once since this matter all began.

I noticed that she was a little quiet yesterday though and asked her if she was ok. She let out a massive sigh and told me that her bf had changed his mind AGAIN and has went back to thinking that he isnt ready for a baby.

He has told her that he only wants contact from her if it is in relation to antenatal appointments-which he wants to attend- but apart from that he no longer wants to be with her. He very firmly said "it is over,please dont contact me".

My daughter's relationship with her BF broke up with her early pregnancy (their relationship had been on and off) and she went on to bring their daughter up as a single mother. He did visit when the baby was born but said he was not ready to be a father. He also had access to his daughter but was adamant that they would never be a couple again

Fast forward a few years - he finally grew up, they got married (my daughter never wanted anyone else) and have been really happy for several years now.

Try not to alienate yourself from him and his family even though the situation is difficult and of course you want him to be there for your daughter

make_me_wise

Mojisola wrote: »

He must be getting a huge amount of pressure from his parents to act one way and may be feeling emotions he never expected to experience for years to come.

He is 17, not a young, impressionable child. Its about time he started thinking for himself and ignoring his parents views.

He isn't experiencing any emotions that his pregnant girlfriend isn't also facing. She is coping tremendously well and handling it all very maturely.

He knows full well how supportive her family is so if he really wanted to be there for his gf and his baby he could turn to her family for help and Im sure it would be forthcoming.

I think we have to stop using his parents as a convenient excuse for why this guy is messing with his gf head. These are his choices and his actions.