OH awful with money - what can I do?

ukjoel

Not being funny but you need to take control.

My other half is very intelligent, well paid medical professional but is useless with money. I put it down to the fact that at uni she was in so much debt she never opened the letters and still doesnt.

It got to the point where I had enough -we almost lost a house purchase as she couldnt show a single bank statement or salary slip and I told her she has a week to open her statements and wage slips or I do it.

First time I did it she went mental with me until I pointed out the £600 hotel charge from a country she had never ever been to....

Now she just lets me get on with it. Not being funny but sometimes there is too much at risk. Just because people are old enough to vote, get married and die for their country doesnt mean they know what an APR is or what signing up for payment protection will actually cost them.

Some people need saving from themselves and if they live in my house, impact my credit rating, and what they have when they die will go to my kids then I will step in each and every time.

balletshoes

meds12 wrote: »

Hi all,
Have been with OH for 7 years and we have 2 children together aged 5 and 6 months. We both work - OH f/t and me 4 days per week. The problem is he is awful with money.

Before each month starts I work out a budget and then take an amount out of my OH's pay, to add to mine, to cover all bills. He is generally left with about £200 for the month, whereas I have significantly less (maybe £50, although more if I shave off money from the groceries budget. This is always mainly spent on the kids!).

The problem is his money is gone literally 1 or 2 days after getting paid.
Then he "borrows" money off myself and his family for the rest of the month (I never, ever see this money again!). This month I have had to buy his son's (by a former relationship) birthday present, even though I am on SMP and we are struggling as a family.

If I mention that I should give him his money in weekly bits he gets angry and starts arguing that I am controlling his money, even though this would mean he gets the same amount.

I don't know what to do - I really worry about money and I feel it is all on my shoulders - he has no idea how much our outstanding mortgage is or how much pension he is likely to receive or anything else like that! My bank account is constantly in overdraft because of his spending habits yet if I say anything he accuses me of wanting to get rid of the overdraft too quickly - despite him not having a plan to clear it!

Every month I ask him to sit down with me and help with the budget but he refuses.

Anybody been in this situation? What can I do to make him better with money?

next time he asks you to lend him money, just say "No, I don't have any to spare, and stop asking me". That will at least stop the drain on the money you've budgeted so carefully for. You might have to repeat yourself, but don't give in - you need that money for the household bills, you know, roof over your head, food on the table. Its not pocket money - his is, and if he's overspent, tough. He'll keep borrowing money as long as you "lend" it him, and won't have any reason to budget for himself.

We run a similar financial situation to you OP, my OH doesn't have much of a clue at all about how much it costs to run a household, I just tell him how much his share of the bills is, and then I don't ask him for any more than that, and he doesn't ask me for any of it back. He used to though - but I just told him I didn't have any spare money, and stop asking me.

dark_lady

Sarah A it must be exhausting having to justify every penny and what on earth would he do if God forbid you got ill or something happened to you God forbid

Flower08

I really feel for you. My OH is awful with money, but he readily admits this and within months of us moving in together he wanted us to set up a joint account and basically have me give him 'spending' money.

Although some people may see this as me controlling etc...it works for us, we know the bills will be paid, the debts slowly getting paid off and he knows hes not overspending.

I would say you really need to show him exactly what is coming in and out of the house moneywise, maybe it is that he genuinly is oblivious to the cost of things? For example my OH genuinly thought that our council tax was around £50 a month (i wish!) until I showed him our budget.
I try to involve my OH as much as possible when it comes to doing our monthly budgets but it really does just go over his head!

As for his mother moaning at you - I think that just goes to show that he has never had to take full responsibility for his own financial situation. I hope you manage to get through to him!

sweetilemon

I really feel for you! what does he spend the money on? I assume its not essentials? I agree with other people when they say you need to stop giving in, if other family members do thats up to them but im sure they'll get fed up if its every month. what about writing him a letter so he cant shout over you?explaining your trying to so your best for everyone but hes making things so much harder. my worry would be he gets into debt you dont know about. as for the MIL explain the facts in future. im no longer popular with mine for doing just that but feels better than being minipulated like before.good luck!

pigpen

The mother moaning.. I'd have said well he knew it was mothers day, I got my mother something and reminded him he should get something for you.. you should tell him!

I'd start giving him food rations.. small meals.. value brand everything.. coffee, beans, bread, cereal.. the lot.. and a 'cheap' dinner every night.. beans on toast, jacket with tuna etc.. when he complains say well if he will insist you live beyond your means you have to save money somewhere for him to waste on frivolities and junk and goodness knows what else.. Hit him where it hurts and where he will see a difference.. Obviously he wouldn't see his children go without so he'll just have to make sacrifices in other areas if he is so insistent on wasting cash on crap.

dark_lady

Well said Pigpen. Great ideas there.

honeypop

dark_lady wrote: »

Sarah A it must be exhausting having to justify every penny and what on earth would he do if God forbid you got ill or something happened to you God forbid

I do all the financial bits in our house and do a similar thing of transferring an amount from each of us to the joint account to cover all the outgoings and what is left in our own accounts is ours to spend, comes to approx £200 each. I keep a spreadsheet showing how much goes where so DH can see it whever he asks where 'all the money goes'. It shows to the penny how much should be in our joint account so I can keep on top of things.

If anything happened to me, DH wouldn't know how much to pay to who and when to do it, so I have printed him a document (to be opened if anything happens to me, although he can look at it whenever he likes - just that I know it wouldn't mean anything to him!) which contains info regarding all household bills, how we receive the bills (post/email etc), which company it will be from and how it should be paid (DD, BACS...), when deals need renewing etc. Also has the contact numbers and account details for each company should he need to contact them (ie to take my name off if I die).

It also contains details of my health insurance, life insurance, pension etc that he may need if anything happens to me. Also, details of things like my mobile phone contract, car insurance, breakdown cover, loan, things that he wouldn't know what to do with or where to find the relevant info on who I have it with and how to cancel them if I did die.

Not that I'm expecting anything to happen to me, mind you! But as I deal with ALL these sorts of things on behalf of both of us, he wouldn't have a clue where to start organising things and where to find all the info, so I thought it would be handy for him to refer to. I update it every now and then when needed. Just thought, I better make sure he knows where he keeps it, would be useless if he couldn't even find that when needed lol!

Sambucus_Nigra

OP - I think you are going about this the complete wrong way.

How about:
Setting up a central joint account where ALL bills and spends for the family come from. Say it needs 1000 a month to cover everything. This will include a top up of say £50 a month to go towards 'rainy day'

Then - you and your hubby look at income; say you get 1000 income a month and he gets 2000; then the money that goes into the central account is divvied up accordingly - so you pay £333 and he pays £667 [as you earn 1/3 of the household income and he earns 2/3].

If he has any extra left, then that's his and he can do what he likes.

If you have any extra left, then ditto.

However, there will be no lends or borrows, and no money is to come out of the central account for personal stuff.

You can then keep a sharp eye on the central account; and if needs be; up both of your inputs to the central account. If the incomes shift then so does the ratio of input. It would be quite easy to start up a spreadsheet detailing all the family spend that this needs to cover [use the SOA as a basis].

And include everything you can possibly think of; not just the obvious.

sarah*a

dark_lady wrote: »

Sarah A it must be exhausting having to justify every penny and what on earth would he do if God forbid you got ill or something happened to you God forbid

It was extremely exhausting ... and frustrating ... for the first year (or two ) but now it's just day to day routine and doesn't take anytime or effort. I'm a list freak anyway so tend to write things down to keep them straight in my head - I get very frustrated when I know I've spent money but can't remember where and it helps with my control and paranoia issues that come with my Bipolar

It's only very occasionally now that he mentions it - and usually when I've pointed out we can't afford something ridiculous (like a new Hoover we don't need!?) or have bought something HE doesn't see as a necessity (like a new toilet seat when ours broke )

honeypop wrote: »

If anything happened to me, DH wouldn't know how much to pay to who and when to do it, so I have printed him a document (to be opened if anything happens to me, although he can look at it whenever he likes - just that I know it wouldn't mean anything to him!) which contains info regarding all household bills, how we receive the bills (post/email etc), which company it will be from and how it should be paid (DD, BACS...), when deals need renewing etc. Also has the contact numbers and account details for each company should he need to contact them (ie to take my name off if I die).

I have the same (although you have reminded me it needs updating since we changed Gas/Elec Suppliers) and my Mum knows where to find it too - He honestly wouldn't know what to do without it - or with it I suspect

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

....And include everything you can possibly think of; not just the obvious.

This - I think - is the most important part of budgeting. The big things are obvious (Rent/Mortgage - Utilities - Groceries) but the 'unexpected' or non-routine expenses (even when yearly/seasonal like Pet Booster Jabs/Xmas ) can spin you out of control.