OH awful with money - what can I do?

meds12_2

Thank you everyone for your responses - I was very tempted to show him this thread last night, but he came back with friends (he had been at a football match all day). I think I will show him after the kids go to bed tonight and see what he says!

I do worry about what would happen if I were to die - so much so that I keep telling him that my Mum would have to have the kids as they'd starve for three weeks a month otherwise. He replies that he would "have to learn", but I tell him that is not good enough - he has to prove it to me!

I am going to tell him that the money he is left with has to last, and there will be no money handed back - in theory he doesn't need any money as his petrol is paid by his company and he works in the local area, so can pop back for lunch whenever he wishes, so he could manage.

Things will be easier when I am back at work (have been working my KIT days, but it's still not like normal pay!) - will be back at the end of next month, and then in September my pay will rise a grade.

He does have a bit of a hold over me in that he normally puts about £100 per month more than me to pay bills - but I point out that I work 4 days, and look after the kids 3 days, whereas he works 5, and does pretty much what he wants with the other 2. He is just oblivious!

His family are equally useless with money - all live on long term benefits, and never have any money. His Mum has never worked and went straight from income support to incapacity benefit (nothing really wrong with her though), so I think in his mind, that because we both work, own (some) of our house etc, that we should be well off - but it doesn't work like that! I am too soft - I even give his Mum money for babysitting as she will say things like "our electric has run out" etc.

On the plus side, he does save £175 per month using his company's Sharesave scheme - only because this comes out of his pay before he gets it!

And no - he isn't allowed to have a credit card or an overdraft - I think I'd have a mental breakdown!

meds12_2

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Where is this £200 going in a couple of days?

I presume it goes on paying back his friends when he sees them for a drink after work.

About a year ago it transpired that he had blown a few hundred (of our budget money - before he had handed it over) on fruit machines. It was the November pay - and December is not a cheap month! We had a huge row about it and he is not allowed to use them any more - if he does he knows our relationship is over. I have to trust him when he says that he doesn't use them any more, I really hope he isn't.

LillythePink

A sneaky thing to consider - can you not tell him that things have gone up therefore he needs to put more into the account - and you can save it for things like mothers day/parents birthday etc when he pleads poverty? But then if he surprises you and stumps up for the pressies without being nagged, then you're quids in with your savings account

I know that it's being sneaky and a bit dishonest, but it's not as if you would be blowing the money just having a rainy day fund

meds12_2

LillythePink wrote: »

A sneaky thing to consider - can you not tell him that things have gone up therefore he needs to put more into the account - and you can save it for things like mothers day/parents birthday etc when he pleads poverty? But then if he surprises you and stumps up for the pressies without being nagged, then you're quids in with your savings account

I know that it's being sneaky and a bit dishonest, but it's not as if you would be blowing the money just having a rainy day fund

Good idea. I'll have to ask for extra for a number of months anyway from September as I will need to clear my overdraft, pay for 2012 holiday etc.

Just to get a clear picture - how much do you budget for "misc" purchases each month? Does £200 seem reasonable - car tax, family days out, daughter's activities and school lunches, presents etc?

LittleMissAspie

Car tax isn't "misc", it's car tax. You know how much it will be and you can save an amount each month for it, along with the other car-related costs. Same for school lunches and you can do the same for presents by setting a budget per person per occasion. All that can be planned in advance.

£200 seems like a largish amount for fun stuff to me, but then I'm not very fun

Sambucus_Nigra

meds12 wrote: »

Just to get a clear picture - how much do you budget for "misc" purchases each month? Does £200 seem reasonable - car tax, family days out, daughter's activities and school lunches, presents etc?

None of this is 'misc'. This is where you are not budgeting.

Car tax - you know how much it is and when it is due

Family days out - how much do you spend when you go and how often do you go? Plan it in.

Daughters activities; how often and how much do they cost - plan it in.

School lunches - ditto....You know when the school terms are, plan it in.

Presents - put a budget amount to each, you know when everyone has birthdays - plan it in.

meds12_2

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

Car tax isn't "misc", it's car tax. You know how much it will be and you can save an amount each month for it, along with the other car-related costs. Same for school lunches and you can do the same for presents by setting a budget per person per occasion. All that can be planned in advance.

£200 seems like a largish amount for fun stuff to me, but then I'm not very fun

Ok, my misc will include all my non-monthly bills, at the moment we spread the cost over the preceding couple of months. For example my daughter's party was paid for last month, her presents and party bags will come out of this month's budget.

Maybe my budgeting could be better! It balances out ok - it's the dipping for extra money by OH that causes the problems!

*Louise*

I understand your frustration!

I hope his mother also got a bit of a wake up call when she complained? It always annoys me when it falls to the women in a relationship to make sure cards are sent/presents bought etc. My brother has gotten away with not bothering about anyone's birthdays for 10 years, everyone just shrugs it off 'because he's a bloke' whereas if us girls wouldn't dare.

I also echo the poster who said put his monthly contribution up a bit, so you can put some away. Everything is going up constantly anyway.

My OH has never been great with money. If he has it, he will spend it(mainly on me and the kids though, bless him). It's a long time since he handed over the financial reigns to me and he too used to query where all the money was going. I made him a list of income and expenditure and he now accepts it. He has a list of our/my bank accounts and the online codes for them but he has never bothered to check them because he isn't interested. Lucky for me really, because one of them has a chunk of money stashed away for emergencies that he doesnt know about.:rotfl: I would tell him but he would start suggesting things we could spend it on which would defeat the purpose.


OP - I worry slightly that you say your OH starts getting angry and shouting, that seems a bit ott for just a discussion about money.

meds12_2

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

None of this is 'misc'. This is where you are not budgeting.

Car tax - you know how much it is and when it is due

Family days out - how much do you spend when you go and how often do you go? Plan it in.

Daughters activities; how often and how much do they cost - plan it in.

School lunches - ditto....You know when the school terms are, plan it in.

Presents - put a budget amount to each, you know when everyone has birthdays - plan it in.

I do plan them in at the moment - in my monthly planning they are clearly labelled, before I was on maternity I got a set amount each month from OH (and from my pay) which cover all regular monthly and irregular bills with a bit left over to help clear the overdraft - but his constant dipping means that every month we are not moving forward!

meds12_2

I have to say, I do feel a bit foolish. Obviously the answer is to not give any money back, I really should have worked that one out myself. It's just that my Dad was very controlling with money (he was a very, very well paid finance director for a very successful company), he gave my Mum £40 per week for all household expenses - she had to borrow money from my Gran to buy ice-creams on holiday because he would refuse to buy them. She went back to work to earn money for our after school activities. When he left after having affairs he "hid" most of his money, so my Mum got very little in the way of maintenance, and none of his pension. She is fine now financially, but it has made me not want to follow in his footsteps and be overly controlling with finances.