OH awful with money - what can I do?

meds12_2

Hi all,
Have been with OH for 7 years and we have 2 children together aged 5 and 6 months. We both work - OH f/t and me 4 days per week. The problem is he is awful with money.

Before each month starts I work out a budget and then take an amount out of my OH's pay, to add to mine, to cover all bills. He is generally left with about £200 for the month, whereas I have significantly less (maybe £50, although more if I shave off money from the groceries budget. This is always mainly spent on the kids!).

The problem is his money is gone literally 1 or 2 days after getting paid. Then he "borrows" money off myself and his family for the rest of the month (I never, ever see this money again!). This month I have had to buy his son's (by a former relationship) birthday present, even though I am on SMP and we are struggling as a family.

If I mention that I should give him his money in weekly bits he gets angry and starts arguing that I am controlling his money, even though this would mean he gets the same amount.

I don't know what to do - I really worry about money and I feel it is all on my shoulders - he has no idea how much our outstanding mortgage is or how much pension he is likely to receive or anything else like that! My bank account is constantly in overdraft because of his spending habits yet if I say anything he accuses me of wanting to get rid of the overdraft too quickly - despite him not having a plan to clear it!

Every month I ask him to sit down with me and help with the budget but he refuses.

Anybody been in this situation? What can I do to make him better with money?

happy35

tell him he cant borrow any money off you, if he has spent all his money he has spent all his money he may then learn how to budget eventually

meds12_2

I have been considering that, although it would probably mean that he would just borrow off friends and family instead. I would feel very harsh though - I refused to buy his Mum a Mothers' Day present this month and she came round and complained - I told her that it was his responsibility but I felt very guilty all day as I had bought one for my Mum.

Thank you though - good tip, if I can harden myself for the inevitable arguments!

Any more ideas?

Errata

If I mention that I should give him his money in weekly bits he gets angry and starts arguing that I am controlling his money,

Tell him someone needs to, because he can't.

meds12_2

Errata wrote: »

Tell him someone needs to, because he can't.

I say that to him, but he says to give him just one more month - this time it'll be different etc etc, and he literally does start getting all angry and shouty so I think he would refuse point blank to hand his whole paycheque to me. He really isn't being deliberately selfish - he just cannot see that I am trying to help us both.

rachbc

Stop bailing him out- he won't learn until you do. If he doesn't pay them back his family and friends will eventually stop too

Errata

meds12 wrote: »

I say that to him, but he says to give him just one more month - this time it'll be different etc etc, and he literally does start getting all angry and shouty so I think he would refuse point blank to hand his whole paycheque to me. He really isn't being deliberately selfish - he just cannot see that I am trying to help us both.

So let him run out of money, and just hand over his bus fare to him every morning so he can get to work and give him a home made jam sandwich for his lunch.
He's a bit like a drunk promising they won't get drunk again - until it happens again.
If you sort it out and he can go on making meaningless promises which he either has no will power or no intention of keeping. At the moment by continuing to rescue him you're colluding in his uselessness with money.

dark_lady

You didnt buy HIS mum a Mothers Day present and then she came around and complained to YOU. That speaks volumes. It sounds like he has never had to be responsible with money because Mummy has done it for him. He has obviously been bailed out by her in the past and im willing to bet (from her attitude over the lack of a Mothers Day present)that she is still doing it and that he hasnt been taught to be responsible for his own actions as part of his upbringing.
He needs to learn to be more responsible. He has 200 pounds a month to spend and you only have 50. Yet you are the one buying for the kids. Bloody hell what on earth is he spending 200 pounds on in the space of a few days. I hope he has something to show for it. Sorry but i would call this financial abuse. He is selfish and immature and he needs to grow up FAST. OP please dont keep bailing him out. It just enables his selfish behaviour. You and your childen deserve so much better.

Sambucus_Nigra

Where is this £200 going in a couple of days?

sarah*a

Urgh - I feel your pain

I had the same problem with my OH - he would just spend and spend and we could never pay bills on time or go on holiday :mad: We ended up being evicted from our house just after we got married and only got a new one because my FIL stood as guarentor (sp?).

That was the last straw for me - and thankfully his parents were finally aware. But we had to hit real rock bottom before I got anywhere

Now only the rent comes out of his a/c - and he knows that one missed payment and I'm gone! The rest comes to me upto the nearest £50 and he gets whatever is left as 'play money'. It's usually less than £30 but thats all we can afford to p!ss up the wall. I give him lunch money every week, I pay for his bus pass by DD and put a little aside each month so he has money for gifts when needed - and I buy most of them anyway (all xmas/mother/fathers day etc) so it's just so he has money to buy for me

He still complains occassionally but when I say he can take over the bills/housekeeping again on the condition that everything gets paid, all gifts throughout the year are covered AND we can still afford to go on holiday he usually rethinks pretty quickly.

Deep down he knows he's pants (to put it mildly!) with cash - but it took a long long time to get there

Even now if he spends his weekly lunch money too quickly he has to go without because we don't have extra to give him. (Sometimes I let him keep the change if he goes to the shops for me - always makes me smile 'cos my mum used to do that for me )

Have you sat down with him with a detailed budget? I have a book with all the incomings/outgoings for the month - including all the silly little things you usually forget about and all the extras needed for each month (ie: April: Mum's Birthday - need gift and Train Tickets for visit - £x.xx) and detailing any money saved for future events (ie: May: £xx.xx in savings a/c for Holiday in July) - that way if he gets into one of his 'I don't know what you do with all the money' rants I can show him in precise detail where it goes

Good luck {HUG}

dark_lady

And if i was you i would have told his mother in no uncertain terms that its not MY job to buy HER present especially when you are struggling on 50 pounds a month while he has 200. I can see why some women leave their husbands and go through the CSA when they are in a similar situation. Because they are willing to risk it because it might be more than the pittance some women are getting off their husbands while they are living with them.
I am not in this situation myself but i have read LOADS of threads like this on here. OP google the thread "Is this miserly or just moneysaving" It is the thread that made me join this site because i felt i just had to reply to it. OP your husband is not showing you any respect by behaving like this. You so deserve so much better.