Nearly 30, in debt, lost and nervous! I need to change.

girlatplay

I was thinking about you as well recently Lost. Hope everything is okay xxx

girlatplay

Hey Lost

Hope you are okay. I was just thinking, that is now a year since you started your DMP!! That has flown in.

(((hugs))) honey xx

Lost_and_nervous

Well it's been a long time since I have been on here and lots has happen. I am in the worst financial situation, not meeting all the bills, robbing Peter to pay Paul, I've been really stupid and maxed out oh credit cards which he doesn't know about, he gave them to me and that was it. And I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia on top of my depression. My house is in the worst state ever, I can't seem to get on top and I am very unhappy at work because I have mucked up there too.!

I was so focused, I thought I was coping then more I got down, the more I spent to make myself feel better and the more everything else suffered as I just haven't been doing anything.!

DD on the other hand is lovely and growing up so fast, I keep a smile on my face for her but deep down I am so ashamed.

I abandoned all my hard work and slumped further into the hole I didn't want to get in any further. But I just can't do it anymore, I can't carry on like this as I will do something silly. That's how unhappy I am.

I have put so much weight on, I don't fit into any of my clothes and feel awful all the time, I am so tired and just want to hide from everything, I hate going out, I don't like speaking to anyone and every prayer I say, I feel as its no longer being heard as I have lied. I am an awful person.!

I look in the mirror and I hate the way I look, the way I feel and the person I am. I am desperate and know I need to change every aspect of me. For good. I don't want dd to have a wreck of a mum, a wreck of person who should be a role model but instead I'm a shambles.

I have no confidence and find it very hard to motivate myself, I have been so stupid and worry so much about the finances. When oh is about I don't achieve anything as I am so worried about him finding out, I am so worried about the way he will react to me, that I just sit there, I can't do anything as he is always pressurising me and doesn't help me.!

I have seriously messed up on eBay as I sold some bits but they didn't receive/weren't happy, got negative feedback and now have restrictions on my account, am only able to list 5 items a month. So not sure what to do there.!

Ok so that's that out, faced up to it all now I need to plan what I am going to do to sort this mess out.!

Starting with the spending issue, I've got to stop taking money/cards out with me. I've got to stop. I am going to have to go cold turkey on the spending front. I have a cash tin so I am going to use it to put cards money etc in to avoid the temptation.

I need to redo my budget to ensure all bills are paid with my wages, I also need to allocate weekly money to food and petrol as well as setting up direct debits which have been cancelled.!

I need to tidy the house so it's more manageable, and list my 5 items on eBay in the hope they will take the restrictions off. I need to start decluttering and making piles of things to sell on eBay and things I can put towards a bootsale. I do not need all the clutter it's getting me down, I need to stop holding on to things.!

I then need to stop all this over eating which not taking money/cards out with me should help. Take a drink and food every where I go. Have all meals and drink lots of water to detox, that way I should get more energy and start feeling better about myself.!

I need to keep my head down at work and clear the in tray updating the spreadsheets, typing, filing, I must really work hard. I will have to work in my lunch break to help catch up as there is no overtime at the moment but if I just focus and work hard I should get back to where I should be.!

I need to look into ways of making extra money, trying to get my beauty back up and running may be a start, Avon, and see if there's anything else. It should all be something I feel confident enough to do but I know in my current confidence struggles I haven't been able to but I am going to work towards that.

Lost_and_nervous

I sit here listening to everything going on around me and think back to how stupid I have been, I am do down and fed up of this feeling, I haven't got the motivation or determination I should have and I ask myself why? Am I living a life I shouldn't be living or is it cause I have been such an awful person and done such terrible things, whatever it is I hate the way I am feeling. I am lonely, no one to really talk to, scared of oh finding out, scared of how dd will think of me, scared of me! I don't want to be like this now, I just want to be able to feel normal, feel happy feel in control. My finances are what bring me down. I have had enough and I have some tough decisions to make, only I can sort this mess out, only I can resolve the issues and only I can make changes to be in control.

Woke up very early considering how late I went to bed, I just couldn't sleep. I have made some very stupid mistakes, but I am going to rectify everything with everything I've got.!

I have set up direct debits for gas electric and water, have a couple of more to do but need to find customer account numbers, I have started tidying up and done some ironing, things which I have been avoiding.!

I have found a couple of bits to list on eBay and a couple of things for bootsale, I've started as I mean to go on. It's so hard, I am so tired but I will achieve.!

beverleyhills

L&N

Welcome back. You have taken a step forward to tell us what has been happening to you. We have missed you and have been concerned about you.

You are not stupid; you are a lovely caring person. The Fibromyalgia may well be the result of the burden you have been carrying. Your body is telling you to stop. What does your Doctor say?

Remember to break down tasks into smaller manageable steps.

If you want someone to talk to The Samaritans are there to give emotional support to people dealing with any problems and are non judgemental. http://www.samaritans.org/

Come back soon.

BH

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