Trust issues; accused of being paranoid

lookingforsun

My paranoia/suspicions, are ruining my marriage - but at the same time have such a strong feeling, that something is wrong.

I was in hospital for a couple of weeks, before our daughter was born, due to problems. DH was incredibly supportive & attentive. Last month (8 months after DD was born), I found about 25 photos, of my husband's genitals (in flaccid & hard states), on our camera, taken when i was in hospital. When I confronted him about them he said that he felt 'horny' and took them to send me. I've never felt happy with that answer, but everytime I bring it up, he keeps on saying he took them to send me (but never did). He then gets angry, calling me paranoid & accusing me of being nasty to him.

My husband does a voluntary job, one day a week. Two weeks ago, he came home & told me that a girl came in with her baby, in the 'best-looking' pushchair he'd ever seen. He then said that the canopy had broken & the girl's OH had tried to fix it, but not done a good job, so he spent an hour doing it, as he didn't want the baby to catch it's arms. DH expected me to be happy he was nice - in fact I was angry. Firstly when I wanted to look for DD's pram, he wasn't interested, and bought a second-hand one off ebay - not a 'good-looking' one. Secondly - I don't know why he wanted to fix it, if the mum & dad thought it was good enough - the only reason I can see is because he fancies her.

I was also so angry for him caring about this woman's baby - when he took me to the doctors to ask for an abortion on his way to work!

Last night he called me over & I saw a page on his computer, of knickers on ebay. He quickly closed it. I asked to look again & he refused, saying he couldn't find the page, and hadn't meant to click on it, he refused to look on the history to find it - this just makes me more suspicious. They weren't titillating photos, but I now think he may be buying some for someone else & doesn't want me to know (not me as I'm still pregnant at the moment & he's never looked at me in undies anyway).

There are other things, like him going on holiday to nudist beaches alone.

Apart from work he's with me all the time, so he can't be cheating. But he's got fingerprint recognition on his computer & refuses to put my suspicions to an end, saying he's done nothing wrong, so why should he prove himself.

msb5262

Hello OP,

This sounds as if there are a few issues going on - but my first reaction to your post is this:

If you feel a strong suspicion that something's going on, it probably is. Sorry.


My second reaction is this:

Your OH sounds like a real piece of work (not in a positive way). Why are you with him?

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

Best of luck

MsB

ETA -
It's not your paranoia that's causing problems - it's the way your OH is behaving (and treating you). You mention asking for an abortion in passing... presumably this issue is affecting you very much at present.

Please find someone in RL who will listen to you and offer you some support.

Emmzi

I agree, I'd be moving on.

FBaby

For one, don't get it into your head that you are paranoid. That is a typical for guilty parties to do, convincing the other that they are paranoid, this way, any challenge focusses on the paranoia rather than the actual issue...

I am not saying that your partner is up to no good, but some of his actions are certainly worth of suspicion. The issue of him helping the other woman is to my view nothing to read anything behind it, even if he did find her cute and decided to help her for that reason, there is nothing wrong with that. However, the fingerprint recognition computer and him refusing to show you the page he was on screams guilt. Why would someone want to install a software with fingerprint recognition (or pay extra for this) unless they were concerned of what people could find on it????

If I were you, I would certainly keep my eyes open wide

pigpen

If you know his ebay log in you can access the stuff he has looked at previously as it will be on his ebay homepage.. I think there last half dozen things you looked at are shown there.

He sounds a right class act I'd be watching his every move.. and you aren't being paranoid.. and sadly your suspicions are probably correct in one way or another.. he might find the other woman aractive and had genuine concern over the baby's safety.. you missed an opportunity though to say well if you want to get the same pushchair you'd not complain

I'd say it was his inappropriate sexualised behaviour and probable associations with other women and his battering your self esteem that was ruining your marriage.

Buddingblonde

An expartner of mine kept telling me I was paranoid about what he got up to online (as everytime I used it the history had been deleted as well as all the cookies etc) - he then proceeded to set up individual log in accounts on the PC so I couldnt get into his one. This accusation of being paranoid was thrown up every time I asked him anything - eg a simple comment about him being late from work led to him shouting and balling about me being paranoid!
One night I got up in the middle of the night to see him on the pc webcam pleasuring himself with another woman online - he apologised (for being caught me thinks) but that was enough for me to take some advice from a techy friend. I managed to get into OHs email account and there were dozens and dozens of emails from another woman and also emails from dating websites.
If you feel something is wrong it more than likely is HOWEVER it might not be a full blown affair yet. As much as it hurts you should try to get the evidence first then he wont be able to talk you out of it or turn it into it being your problem.

Blackpool_Saver

What a pig, if he is innocent he would want to prove it, sending you love and strength x

Plans_all_plans

lookingforsun wrote: »

My paranoia/suspicions, are ruining my marriage

No, your husband's dodgy behaviour is ruining your marriage.

At the end of the day, having a new baby does strain a marriage and maybe he is feeling a little pushed out (particularly with you having been ill recently) I am in no way making excuses for his behaviour, but I wouldn't say this has to be the end of your marriage.

I'd suggest counselling with Relate to get you back on track.

ETA: just read about the fingerprint recognition, I fear I have been too kind to your husband. I'd be INSISTING he got rid of this, or I'd be seriously reconsidering my future in a big way.

74jax

lookingforsun wrote: »

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Apart from work he's with me all the time, so he can't be cheating. But he's got fingerprint recognition on his computer & refuses to put my suspicions to an end, saying he's done nothing wrong, so why should he prove himself.

pigpen wrote: »

If you know his ebay log in you can access the stuff he has looked at previously as it will be on his ebay homepage.. I think there last half dozen things you looked at are shown there.

.

If he's got fingerprint recognition on his computer he will be able to see EXACTLY what she is doing.

Why does he have this on? This alone seems strange to me, does he check up on what you're looking at?

pigpen

no.. you log on ebay from a different computer.. log in to his ebay account and it will be there.. you don't even have to look at his personal pages.

I've logged in my account on Oh's lappy and everything I've looked at is logged on the homepage and I've seen what my mother has been lookin at when I've logged on to her account (shoes and fabric mainly).. and TBH.. who cares if he does know.. he has nothing to hide right?

Blackpool_Saver

pigpen wrote: »

TBH.. who cares if he does know.. he has nothing to hide right?

Exactly, the pig, uuuugh men