Is it domestic violence? I just want to do the right thing for my kids

euronorris

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

But not since - I do think people can learn their lesson on something like this and I thought it was actually a good sign that this was a one off. I did also say that at the end of the day the OP knows whether he's a basically good guy or not...

A one off bout of physical abuse, which the OP blames herself for. Where do you think that is coming from? Her OH, I suspect, has convinced her that she deserved it.

Has he ever received counselling to deal with that event, and ensure it never happens again? We don't know, but I doubt it. And without that, I would say it is still a very big issue.

It is also a one off bout of physical abuse, followed by years of emotional abuse. Maybe the only reason he hasn't been violent again is because she became more compliant to his wishes very quickly. How do we know that he won't soon escalate back into violence? Especially with his years of emtional abuse.

And, of course, there is the fact that he was kissing other women on his honeymoon. It clearly upset the OP, although she states that it was because he didn't also kiss her, I'm not convinced that she is actually all that happy about it at all. I could be completely wrong, but I've been on the receiving end of such manipulative behaviour before, and you soon find yourself nodding in agreement to something which actually hurts you tremendously.

Yes, the OP knows best as to whether he is a good guy or not, but I don't see much of a good guy at all in her posts.

Catbells

Many things people have said about the emotional and verbal abuse and that needs to be addressed in the ways posted.

I just want to say that I think YOU need to bolster YOUR OWN self esteem/sense of worth/confidence as you sound as if you have become a non-person in your marriage (been there). Becoming an absorbent sponge for the issues in your marriage puts all the problems onto you and very few onto your husband who needs help too.

If you want to change this its down to you. At the moment you sound as though you are happy to tolerate a lot of things for the sake of your marriage/the children but you are putting yourself in a position where only suffering can be the end result.

I know its easier to say than do. Please take care of you in every respect and my very best wishes for your future.

Nimeth

OP, it's time to pack up your kids and head out. What he is doing IS abuse and it's wrong. He has already physically abused you once (on your honeymoon no less!) and the way you say he behaves now, it would not surprise me if he hit you again in the future. I watched a close family member go through domestic violence, her partner constantly belittled her, cussed at her, even hit her over the head with a chair. Each and every time she'd forgive him with him saying how sorry he was and he'd changed and be a better man only to repeat the whole cycle over again. She thought everything was her fault, that she was the problem and if she stayed with him, she could somehow make it up to him. She finally left him when he threatened her their daughter. Leopards don't change their spots I'm afraid.

You say that your kids idolise him, all that does is teach them it's ok to treat you like dirt. The sooner you get them away from him, the easier it will be for them to realise that the way he treats you is never ok for anyone. They're already copying his behaviour.

You are blaming yourself for something that is completely not your fault at all. You give him a pass for his behaviour by making excuses for why he does this. This is what mental abuse does, it slowly makes you think that these things are your fault when they're not. It's difficult to break the habit but it can be done and there a number of places out there that others have already suggested to help you with this.

I would strongly advise you not to wait till it turns physical again, for your sake and your kids. Don't put up with this abuse, you deserve better than that.

RadoJo

I just wanted to remind the OP that they are on the internet, using websites with inbuilt applications and writing coherently and fluently - THESE ARE ALL UP TO DATE SKILLS THAT EMPLOYERS WOULD LOVE!

You may not have the formal qualifications that you think an employer would want, but I know of places actively looking for people who are articulate and vaguely internet savvy so please don't think that you are going to be unable to fend for yourself without your husband - it just goes to show that his abuse is working if you've already convinced yourself that you have nothing to offer in the workplace. Well, he's wrong and you do have plenty to offer! Good luck....:-)

Dontknowanymore

Firstly I want to say that do not pack your stuff and kids up to leave, make him leave!

Contact your local Domestic abuse outreach team who will be able to give you the right advice for your situation, this can be found here
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&region_code=&x=8&y=5

You will survive, trust me, I had to give up everything but my children 14 months ago, live in a refuge and now I live in a new area, if I can do it, anyone can hun x

Dontknowanymore

Regarding the work situation, don't even think about it now, you need to get this situation sorted before worrying yourself about such things, there are pleanty of benefits to help you out financially in the mean time so money does not need be an issue.
What is important is the safety and emotional wellbeing of you and your children.

Little_Leita

God, he sounds like my ex. I used to call him Mr Angry because he lost his temper on the hour, every hour. I tried for years to make it work, but whenever I got upset or tried to speak to him he would call me a drama queen or say 'boohoo, poor you!' or 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' ...I suspect this will probably sound familiar to you. I actually used to wake up and get palpitations as soon as I heard his voice. He ruined every birthday and every christmas - he used to go out of his way to be extra nasty on special occasions!

I eventually stopped trying to talk things over, or try to make him happy. I started going out when I liked (just as he'd always been able to), coming back when I liked and ignoring my constantly-ringing mobile while I was out. Finally, a year ago I gave him the elbow. The kids and I are still adjusting but life is so much better now! Oddly too, I am better off financially even though the household income has halved. I'm paying the mortgage and all the bills myself with very little help from him (£480 total contributed in 13 months!). Makes me wonder where all the money was going before?

Oh, and the hubby is (already) someone elses problem now....

I hope that you can work things out between you but if thats not possible, take it from one who knows that there is life afterwards.... and that its great!

belfastgirl23

euronorris wrote: »

A one off bout of physical abuse, which the OP blames herself for. Where do you think that is coming from? Her OH, I suspect, has convinced her that she deserved it.

Has he ever received counselling to deal with that event, and ensure it never happens again? We don't know, but I doubt it. And without that, I would say it is still a very big issue.

It is also a one off bout of physical abuse, followed by years of emotional abuse. Maybe the only reason he hasn't been violent again is because she became more compliant to his wishes very quickly. How do we know that he won't soon escalate back into violence? Especially with his years of emtional abuse.

And, of course, there is the fact that he was kissing other women on his honeymoon. It clearly upset the OP, although she states that it was because he didn't also kiss her, I'm not convinced that she is actually all that happy about it at all. I could be completely wrong, but I've been on the receiving end of such manipulative behaviour before, and you soon find yourself nodding in agreement to something which actually hurts you tremendously.

Yes, the OP knows best as to whether he is a good guy or not, but I don't see much of a good guy at all in her posts.

Such is the strength of MSE - we all read different things between the lines and come to different conclusions . OP you've had quite a range of opinions here - and the one thing we all agree on is that you are best placed to judge your husband's true nature. Are you any closer to reaching a decision?

zoeisababe

Didn't want to read and run.

You really can't be with someone who treats you like that...its not right...you even know its not right.
How would you feel if it was your child and partner behaving like this? ashamed? appalled?...exactly..time to move on...get rid of him, you can do so much better.
Move into a new town and find new friends..children arent children for long...they are seeing things which are going to make them grow up way too quick.

And I am sure you are not stupid!

Hope you are ok x

uolypool

[

He is also in the middlw of fitting a new kitchen at the moment so maybe that excuses him? He is getting very stressed about it but typical of him is taking it out on me.

]

Hun in no way is this treatment from him your fault. Huge hugs for you and your children.I lived with a monster for years until i plucked up the courage to boot him out and that was only after he threatened to kill me if I went near his bike:eek: Men like that never change, they might seem to and might even try but I honestly believe that if they do it once then there is the possibility that it could happen again.I went through years of mental abuse from the father of my children and seperated with the help of the local womans refuge and the police.Last year the kids told me after he came round one night to "talk" and ended up throwing a coffee cup at my head that they use to hear him being horrible and beating me when they were little and in there beds, that will haunt me till the day I die, please please get help.it may not seem like it straight away but life will be much better without him .