Is it domestic violence? I just want to do the right thing for my kids

moneysavermum_2

youd survive. Lifes much better when you can think straight and not have anyone bullying you. Ive been through it and am 4 years out of the other side. Its much better to live in a calm house.
You dont need a fancy job you would get benefits to top up your wage and csa off him so would be able to manage.

pupsicola

Imagine yourself treating someone you are meant to love the way your husband is treating you. How would you view your behaviour? Would you see it as having an off moment, being a bit out of order, or would you see it for what is really is emotional/verbal abuse?

You come across in your post as someone who can barely think straight, has no confidence in herself, has lost all self-esteem. This hasn't happened by accident. Abuse is all about control and undermining people. Your husband has already got you feeling like you cant cope without him. Not in a nice way either, its how he wants you to feel.

Would your family, friends, neighbours be absolutely amazed if they knew how he treated you and the children? Is he sweetness and light and the life of the party with everyone else?

Abuse is destructive and crippling and nearly always escalates. I should have walked away when my husband was treating me the way yours is treating you. I didn't. It took for police to tell me to get out or it would only end one way. Dont let yourself be reduced to that stage. Confide in someone, anyone, who can help you and get yourself and your kids away.

meritaten

hun - every time you say you KNOW this isnt right, you turn around and either blame yourself or make an excuse for him.
Now, are you prepared to do this for the rest of your life? and watch the kids turn into miniOHs? Picture yourself at 45..........your OH has you completely cowed and has probably hit you more than a few times and your grown-up kids call you stupid and expect you to pander to their every whim! you have no life, no pleasure, no friends and are probably on anti-depressants because you go to the doctor and lie about why you are so unhappy, so he gives you pills - that way you can get through the days (and nights) with no more feeling in you than a zombie!

If you are going to leave - do it now hun! because thats whats in store for you if you dont!

euronorris

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I'm with gigglepig on this. Relationships can get into bad habits and bad routines. It's for you to figure out whether it's salvageable or not. But I do think you need to sit him down and very clearly and calmly tell him that it really upsets you when he talks to you like that and that you think it's also not good for the kids to hear. No accusations, no tears, just very calm. And see can you get anywhere with discussion. It is possible that he doesn't even realise that he's that bad. And he hasn't thought about it in terms of effects on the kids.

Of course it is also possible that this is on the abuse spectrum - only you can know this though, only you know the ups and downs of the relationship and whether he's a fundamentally decentish man or not.

Did you miss the part where he was physically abusive on their honeymoon? Because they were arguing about him kissing a load of other women????

ellay864

Leave aside the physical stuff on the honeymoon....if you knew of someone treating children like that you'd have no hesitation in labelling it child abuse. He is abusing you, whether he does it with words or fists is immaterial. And however much your kids may idolise him he is also abusing them by exposing them to this. I had a relative who was sexually abused then actually raped by her father, from the age of about 8 until her mum found out and called the police. The girl was in bits and angry at her mum for getting the dad she loved into trouble! Kids are taught that their parents are there to be idolised but it doesn't mean how they're being treated is right.
The fact you've come on here questioning it all shows you know it isn't right. Please take the advice of the majority of other posters and take steps to get yourself and your children away from him

belfastgirl23

euronorris wrote: »

Did you miss the part where he was physically abusive on their honeymoon? Because they were arguing about him kissing a load of other women????

But not since - I do think people can learn their lesson on something like this and I thought it was actually a good sign that this was a one off. I did also say that at the end of the day the OP knows whether he's a basically good guy or not...

evh22

Hi, First things first,,,,whatever you do, its your decision - Nobody else's. You are clearly a strong person who should feel incredibly proud of yourself for standing up and asking for help/advice.
Secondly, I agree entirely with earlier advice - You really, really, really should consider calling Womens Aid - They are a totally confidential organisation who are there to support victims/survivors of domestic abuse, which is what you are suffering. You will find other women who have been through much of what you describe and can offer you practical, non-judgemental advice. They will not shake their head's if you decide to remain in the relationship - Your safety and the welbeing of your children are the priority here.
If you ever feel in fear Womens Aid can also access refuge placements and help set you up in applications for housing and also advise on ways to keep yourself and the kids safe.
Please, please, please give them a call - I am sure they will be able to help you.
Stay strong and know there are people around for you.
Take care

Zoetoes

Get rid, no shouting about it just tell him calmly you don't want to be with him anymore.

The kids will see you happier and it will make them feel happier. They love their dad as you say, they will see him in a better way not shouting at you, they will have 2 happy parents that just don't live together anymore.

Set yourself up with tax credits or whatever, enrol at college, maybe do a computer course or something to start with then get yourself a job that you enjoy - you will be surprised at how much your life will change for the better so quickly.

barbiedoll

You say that the kids "idolise" him. Do they really, or are they walking on eggshells too, waiting for him to explode when he comes home?

Added to that, the fact that the kids are now speaking to you in the same way, shows just how much influence he has over all of you and to be honest, none of it is good.

This man is a bully, pure and simple. By kissing other women and not you on your honeymoon, he was making sure that you knew your place. The assault was just to make sure that you got the point. The time to leave him is now. Your post clearly shows that you are distressed, you are living in fear of this man. You owe it to your children to get out of this relationship, it is doing none of you any favours.

Money, accommodation and access to the children can all be sorted out, your mental health and well-being may be damaged for life if you stay, not to mention the physical strain of living like this.

You know what you need to do. It's time to move on and start your life over.

sjc3

OP have a huge (((hug))) hun, I feel you need it. I simply cant imagine how scared you must feel. Its awful that your husband thinks it is acceptable to swear, call you names and have you so scared around him. I was so shocked that he does this in front of and too your little kids too.

I actually showed your post to my husband and asked his opinion on this behaviour. His response was that you live with a cruel, bully. Now my hubby is not a sensitive type and can easily distinguish between someone having an off moment and being really out of control. We read through all the posts and think that the advice you have been given is really good.

There is no excuse for how your husband is behaving. My hubby is, by his own ommission, quite a highly strung italian. He has a short fuse and a bit of a temper. But he would never lower himself to swear and shout or be verbally abusive to myself or our kids. If he is stressed out he goes to the gym and thumps the life out of some boxing eqipment. Or he will go for a run and work whatever is bothering him out of his system. Then he will come home and chat things through and get the support and advice he needs. That is how normal families work.

Hun phone womens aid, go to your local sure-start, even turn up at your local police station if there is no other way of getting help. But get yourself and those little kids away from that bully.

If one of my friends was suffering like this we would put them up and help out all we could. I'm sure most people would. Is there anyone you can turn to?